Hey You Kids! Get Off My Lawn!

In reality, I guess I should ask them to quit skateboarding in front of my house and making out in my driveway, but you get the picture.

Upon arriving home tonight, I saw that some boards were blocking my access to my driveway. As in, I could not park my truck where I park it every fucking day. My teenage neighbor was sitting between his family's driveway and mine with some girl, as I gave him the "Hey, would you be a dear and move your shit outta my way so I can park? Thanks bunches" look. He looked at me, then the boards (which are really pathetic and in no way constitute some sort of homemade bitchin' skate park and if this girl is impressed by his "stunts" then she deserves to be with the dumbshit), and continued to sit there and be as useless as tits on a frog. Let me repeat this: HE SAT THERE AND DID NOTHING TO REMOVE THE OBJECT AND BE A HALFWAY DECENT HUMAN BEING WITH ANY REGARD FOR OTHER PEOPLE WHO NEED TO EXIST AROUND HIM. I knew that if I rolled down my window and asked him to do this, I would not be able to contain my ire, so I just parked on the street.

As I got out of my car, Tony Hawk offered a lame, "Sorry about that" and continued the strenuous activiy of sitting on his skinny ass while his little girlfriend breathed through her mouth. "It's cool. You're busy." I answered and marched myself into the house quickly while I was able to resist the urge to hurl the boards at their heads.

So, how was your day?

Pushed to the Limit

Tonight I will accompany my mom to Toys R Us.

Let me reiterate: I am going to Toys R Freaking Us during the holiday season. If I could just yank out a kidney and hand that to my mom instead, I would. I am googling "warning signs of a stroke" to see if I can fake one and be excused from this outing.

Yeah, yeah, it's for a good cause: we're picking up some things for a toy drive.

But so help me if some mothereffin' third grader in those godforsaken wheelie shoes knocks into me he best watch his ass because I WILL NOT HESITATE TO THROW DOWN, bitches.

Please, someone hold me.

UPDATE: I made it out of there alive, and we scored some awesome toys for kids who will surely enjoy and appreciate them. I managed to avoid any run-ins with children, but kept my keys in my hand at all times, much like I do when walking through a dark parking lot alone and I need to have a "weapon" on hand. So, who needs a babysitter?

Around Town

Overheard in front of the Chico Library:

Girl #1: I don't like skinny jeans.
Girl #2: Really? I do.
Girl #1: Well, I only like them on me. Like, not on a guy or something.
Girl #2: Totallyyyyyy.

Cell phone conversation between young man (maybe 18) and unknown party:

Young Man: Dude, I can't. Me and Grandma, we've gotta go to our hair appointments. (Pause while Unknown Party responds, presumably.) Yeah, we gotta get our hair done and shit. I do it every two weeks on the dot, Man.

Observed on campus while Shaggy-from-Scooby-Doo doppelganger tries to woo a young lady:

Yo! Peace! Love! Recycling!