Happy Birthday Jen! aka "Who's the boss? Tony Danza? No, I think it's Jennifer"

March 14 was my dear friend Jen's birthday and I hope she will forgive me for the tardiness of this post. Jen and I met at the Puge; she and Kim lived two doors down from me in Regester Hall (Virgin Vault - HOLLA!) and we quickly discovered a shared affinity for Goonies, Adam Sandler and speaking in movie quotes. We have a winner! Also, her product collection and morning routine rivals mine in the "Holy crap, how much stuff do you have?" department. My only complaint about Jen is that she lives so far away now. What's it gonna take for you guys to move to California? I'll do the truffle shuffle...

Jen is an adorable white girl from So Cal who also happens to have mad rap skillz. She and Kim do an excellent Dr. Dre/Snoop Dogg for "Nothing but a G Thang" that will send you into fits of uncontrollable laughter and awe.

Jen's nickname, The Boss, is a shortened version of her maiden name, but also an excellent way to sum up her dynamic, take-charge attitude. This woman chaired committees for, like, 90% of the activities of our campus and every single one was a raging success.

Jen is never embarrassed by my ridiculous shenanigans and just encourages me to be a jackass by laughing when I dance like Elaine. So, blame her.

Jen's dance skillz would make Kevin Bacon proud. She can do any routine from Footloose, including the part where Ren dances around by himself and yanks off his sweatshirt. Just thinking about it is mkaing me crack up right now.

Jen is an awesome karaoke partner. Our version of "Sweet Caroline" brought down the house at orientation. Word.

Jen has a Rain Man-like memory for song lyrics and movie lines. Throw out some obscure line from Friends or pretty much any movie ever and the woman will respond in kind.

Jen, for all of her straightforward, "I'm-not-gonna-pump-sunshine-up-your-butt"-ness is always, always the first to offer love and support and encouragement in a time of need.

Jen is not afraid of confrontation or saying the Thing Maybe You Don't Really Want to Say but Probably Should. Being terrified of every offending anyone ever when I met her, I learned from her example that it's possible to stand up for yourself and the world will not fall apart. There are times even now that I channel that energy and it has served me well.

Oh Hen, I miss you and wish we lived in the same building again so we could get some fro-yo from Smell. If you ever slow down for two seconds I'll come visit soon since I have yet to meet your baby Tessie. Plus, Jeff and I clearly need to discuss the subtle nuances of the genius that is Happy Gilmore. You are so money, and you don't even know it!

Remember That Time Blogspot Was All Effed Up and I Almost Had a Stroke?

That wasn't fun. I am insanely behind in posting (birthday! my Sacramento adventure!) and am just glad this technical issue has been resolved because OH MAN DO NOT CUT ME OFF FROM ALL THREE OF MY ADORING FANS.

Stay tuned kids. More to come.*



*That's what she said.

Step Inside, Walk This Way

Guess who is going to see Def Leppard, Poison and Cheap Trick in concert, bitches? To say that I am excited is a supreme understatement. I am pretty much freaking out and cannot wait until September. I am going with some of my favorite concert buddies and am going to throw out a quick plea to S to come down from Seattle for this momentous event. Come on, Man! Remember how much fun Billy Idol was? I bet this will provide as many, if not MORE, laughs.

So, I think I need to start watching Rock of Love or something to get my outfit just so. Anyone know where I can get a leather fringe halter top? Cappa has already suggested leopard-print leggings and maybe a neck tat. At this point anything is possible. Seems like I should also have some daddy issues and smeared lipstick and/or eyeliner. Thank goodness I have time to prep.

And here I thought knowing all the words to "Unskinny Bop" would never help me later in life.

For Future Reference

Here are some things you may not want to be doing while the Accreditation Committee is touring your department:

1.) Singing along to .38 Special

2.) Shaking and kicking the vending machine when your snack get stuck

3.) Eating Pop-Tarts while getting crumbs all over your top

4.) Dancing in your chair while "I Love the Nightlife" is on the radio

5.) Spilling water in your lap

6.) Inspecting your head for gray hairs

7.) Daydreaming about Mark Harmon

The more you know...

Hypochondria: Not Just for Crazy Old Ladies

You know that person who gets a headache and immediately Googles "brain tumor" only to have the headache subside by the time she has convinced herself that she totally has all the symptoms?

Hi there.

My lips have been really dry and chapped and peeling and even bleeding a little (I know - eww) and I have no idea what prompted this. And nothing seems to work. The only thing I can think of is that I am dehydrated, but stepping up the water intake (thanks for the suggestion Habesha Child - I have been hydrating) hasn't really made a difference one way or the other. On the bright side, my lips are a little darker and pinker so I don't need to apply gloss or anything. Um...Yay?

I feel like a tool for looking up this kind of stuff on WebMD, but what if I am ignoring a common symptom of malaria or Avian bone syndrome or the Ebola virus? I have an English degree and I watch House so clearly I should be diagnosing this stuff with info cribbed from Wikipedia.

When I hear about women who don't realize they are pregnant until they are giving birth into a toilet, I am absolutely shocked someone could be so disconnected from her body because the slightest change and BLAMMO! my ass is consulting websites and frantically emailing doctor friends for free advice and reassurance.

For now, I am placing a bit of the blame on one of my parents who shall remain Dave because he is the king of the Worst Case Scenario. Allergic reaction to some funky peanut sauce? It's probably West Nile. Bump on my neck? Unborn twin tumor baby. No wonder I'm a mess.

UPDATE: Guess what is all better? Yeah. Turns out constant application of Kiehl's and Aquaphor AND drinking a shit-ton of water (shout out Habesha Child!) did work. Oh, and some patience.

Frakin' A

File this one under: "Nerd Porn" or something.

So, I stumbled upon this: http://io9.com/5165920/the-men-who-make-battlestar-galactica-feminist while checking out Jezebel and was like, "Great, let's read all about the feminist theories involved in Battlestar Galactica!" I was all kinds of detached intellectual about the whole thing, pushed my glasses up on my nose and nodded and shook my head as I agreed and disagreed with the author. Really, it was all very scholarly and I was feeling so smug for being able to apply various literary theories to a television show.

And then I saw this:

And I freaked the fuck out. As my friend Judi said, "My gods that man can wear a towel." Indeed. Once I got my lady parts to chill out I finished the article, but I don't really remember much of it. Don't look at me like that.

This Springing Forward Stuff Has Messed Up My Sleep

So, I apologize in advance for this potentially disjointed, rambling post.

1.) It seems my weekends have two speeds: GOGOGOALLTHETIMEDON'TSTOP or sit on my ass with no plans. But this weekend? I think CKD found this thing called "balance" and oh man. It's sweet, y'all. The perfect mix of lazy mornings sitting around drinking coffee and socializing on the town. Perfect, really.

2.) Life in a college town just isn't for me. Yes, there are things to love (cheap drinks and such) but my patience with the general population is wearing thin. I mean, did that guy really think that wooing me with the promise of "a lot of fun" on his buddy's pull-out sofa ("I'm not from here, dude") was going to work on a grown woman? Because it wasn't. If you want a classy broad like me, you're going to have to do better than that. Get a futon. The best part of this exchange was how the guy went from all kind of charming (if you find smarmy to be charming, that is) to downright pissed off when I turned down his gracious offer, like I had wasted ten minutes of his time and now he was going to have to find some other girl and start all over again. The humanity. People are a fucking mystery to me.

2a.) When describing this scene to a friend she asked if the guy was cute. Yes, he was, but I explained he also kind of had "date rape face" and she didn't know what that was. Am I the only one who has ever heard of this? Basically, this guy could play Frat Dick #2 in any variety of college movies. If he had approached anyone I knew, I would cockblock because he just had THAT LOOK. I'm crazy, right? OK...

3.) My lips are really super chapped and it's annoying. I cannot figure out why this is, and my usual remedies (Kiehl's balm and Aquaphor) are not working. WTF?

4.) I finally caught this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LoGYx35ypus from Louis CK and realized I am a total asshole. Sure, I try to enjoy the moment and be zen about shit, but I've done a fair amount of bitching this last week over minor inconveniences and it's such a waste of energy. Trying to breathe in more. Feel free to remind me.