For Future Reference

Here are some things you may not want to be doing while the Accreditation Committee is touring your department:

1.) Singing along to .38 Special

2.) Shaking and kicking the vending machine when your snack get stuck

3.) Eating Pop-Tarts while getting crumbs all over your top

4.) Dancing in your chair while "I Love the Nightlife" is on the radio

5.) Spilling water in your lap

6.) Inspecting your head for gray hairs

7.) Daydreaming about Mark Harmon

The more you know...

Pop Quiz, Hot Shot

Guess which of these things I DID NOT do over the course of the last week:

-Told a bouncer "You're fucking joking, right?" when asked for my ID at a 21 and over establishment.

-Honestly forgot it was Lent and ordered a Pepsi when going through the Taco Bell drive-thru.

-Got exceedingly, embarrassingly excited when some high school boy gave me the "Hey Now!" nod and up-and-down.

-Felt superior to those around me when I knew Freddy Washington's nickname was "Boom Boom."

-Wished my nickname was "Boom Boom."

-Pointed and laughed at Katie when she stumbled in public.

-Drank too much sake.

-Acted my goddamn age.

Hello, Darkness My Old Friend

Is it bad that when I hear "The Sound of Silence" I immediately start giggling and think of Frank falling to the bottom of the pool after taking the tranquilizer dart in the neck?

Does this happen to anyone else? No? Oh, OK.

Making Dad Proud

Actual conversation between my dad and me this morning:

Me: "I like your jeans."
Dad: "Thanks. They're new. I started buying 559's. I got a few in different washes."
Me: "Isn't that the style you always get?"
Dad: "No, I used to get 569's - "
Me: "BWAHAHAHAHA! YOU SAID '69!'"
Dad *Hangs his head and sighs heavily*

For those of you playing the home game, I had only been at the house for 12 hours at this point. I was asleep for 8 of them.

We're hoping Evan turns out normal.

This is What Hundreds of Thousands of Dollars Worth of Private School Educations Gets You

After Kevin the Crazy Plumber left today:

Dave: "Does it smell in here? Like chemicals or something?"
Me: "Yeah, Kevin probably used something to fix the sink. Like CAULK. Hey, it smells like CAULK in here!"
Dave *giggling*: "Huh huh I smell some CAULK! Has someone been LAYING PIPE?"
Me *trying not to fall over laughing* "Wow, decades of excellent educations and all we can do is yell 'CAULK' back and forth."

*Calls Mom at work to give her an update*

Me: "Kevin just left. That guy is a trip."
Mom: "Yeah, he is."
Me: "Anyway, it smells like CAULK..." *laughs uncontrollably*
Mom: "You're retarded. What's for dinner?"

The End.

Goals

If there's one thing I regret about my teens, it's the complete absence of a wild-and-crazy-out-of-control-biker-gang-shows-up-there's-a-car-in-the-pool-type of party. I'm talking about a cross between the party scenes in Sixteen Candles and Weird Science, people, but for reals. But now that I'm living at home maybe I can convince my parents to head out of town and realize this dream.

I'm not really sure what part of all of this is the most concerning: that I've spent some time today reflecting on my adolescent regrets, or that I am living with my parents.

Can't Take Me Anywhere

Things that have made me laugh as of late:

-the word "erecting" in a campus-wide email about the new construction

-the phrase "swinging steel" in the same email

-quoting select lines from Pee-Wee's Big Adventure and Office Space at work

-doing Pee-Wee's "Tequila" dance in the elevator

-singing along to "Good Vibrations" by Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch on the way to work

-Last weekend I accompanied my parents to buy a new faucet for the laundry room sink and totally held my shit together when the saleswoman suggested we get a "caulk hole cover" for the replacement. Say that phrase out loud. Now do it without laughing. I did, and then demanded my parents take me to ice cream for a treat. True story.

In other news, my current look could be described as Liz Lemon in Season 2 of 30 Rock. So I've got that going for me.

That's MISS Flex Gunship

Today's theme? Things of Zero Importance or Substance. Let's do this!

If Sarah Palin were your mother, what would you be named? Click below to find out:

http://politsk.blogspot.com/2008/09/sarah_13.html

More importantly: if Sarah Palin were your mother, would she babysit for you while you go to prom? Because that would be a huge help.

Many thanks to Cece for the link. See, it's not plagiarism if you cite your sources.

Backstage Pass

There was a music festival taking place on campus this week, and the name of one of the bands made me laugh out loud: Viking Sandwich. A good one, for sure.

But I like the name of my all-girl heavy metal band better: Steel Erection.

Yes, I am 14

This almost makes me want to take up golf:

http://schwettyballs.com/


For the original SNL sketch:

http://www.hulu.com/watch/4156/saturday-night-live-nprs-delicious-dish-schweddy-balls

I think for Christmas I'm going to buy my parents tee-shirts that read "I Spent Thousands of Dollars on My Child's Education and All I Got is a Daughter Who Laughs at the Word 'Balls.'"

Beavis and Butthead Would Be Proud

Is it bad that when someone uttered the sentence "I have a twelve inch pipe" during a meeting I had to look down at the table and bite my lip to keep from losing my shit? So much for all of my growth and introspection.