Like Emily Freakin' Post Up in Here

Seems like everywhere I turn there's an article with etiquette and helpful hints on navigating the workplace holiday party without being known as the office drunk/slut. I, sadly, work in Scroogeville, and will not even have an opportunity to eat too many cookies at an office party, let alone get wasted.

This was not always the case, my friends.

Oh yes, young CKD had herself a big girl job with a big girl company at the age of 21. (Did you know me when I was 21? If so, let me just issue a blanket apology if I ever threw up on or around you. That was my signature move back in the day.) This company was comprised primarily of older men, which meant my need to prove myself usually manifested itself in talking sports and/or drinking heavily. Guess which one is "problematic" at a work function?

Anyway, the point is that I have probably committed every faux pas ever mentioned in one of these "play it cool at the office party and save your drunken jackassery for a family gathering" articles. Except for the one about discussing religion and politics. I never bring that up when we could discuss how hot my office crush is. Much more appropriate.

Let me add a few other helpful tips for any of you out there who are unsure about walking the line between "good time" and "the HR lady needs to talk to you."

1.) If you are wearing a sorta tight dress and you are new to swing dancing and your dance partner really wants to try that move where he flips you around his back don't be shocked when your zipper explodes and your entire back FROM YOUR BRA TO YOUR UNDERWEAR is exposed. Looking suave while executing this move and landing on your feet are the least of your worries, Sweetie.
1a.) Wear underwear - good ones.

2.) The "open bar" is not a challenge. Do not approach it as "Oh, you think you've got enough booze for 200 people? We'll just see about that." This is especially good advice if neither you nor your date (Hi Brian!) are of legal drinking age, you damn moron. What are you trying to do? Get your employers busted for serving to a minor? Jesus.

3.) If you are there with a date, do not ditch him or her and then hook up with someone else at the party. (I have NEVER done this, but this happened to a friend of mine and oh dear God was that awkward.) Even if you are there solo, maybe don't hook up with anyone there. If you've made a love connection and it's deep and true and real (and not just the shots of Patron) you can call him or her tomorrow, keeping your private life out of sight of management. Also, don't hook up with management.

4.) Did we cover wearing underwear? OK, good. I really cannot stress that one enough.

5.) Don't scream "FREEBIRD" at the band or request "Rag Doll" repeatedly.

Hope this helps all of you use your professional gatherings as a way to network, teambuild and celebrate a year of hard work. Remember to wear underwear!