The Year in Review

January: Evan turned 2 and we celebrated with an Elmo-themed birthday party. I turned 30 and we celebrated with a booze-themed birthday party.

February: Quit my job working for Satan and felt instantly better about life. Went to my first bachelor party.

March: Moved across the country.

April: Partied it up Puge-style at Boy Chris and Katie's wedding in Pasadena. Attended Lili's baby shower and predicted she was having a girl.

May: My Grandma Pat passed away. Juno was born one week later. Her birth and the joy and anticipation surrounding it cushioned the loss tremendously.

June: Moved across the country again. Lost about 10 lbs. Started this blog.

July: Started a new job and met my friend Katie.

August: Celebrated Kim and Justin's marriage in Portland. Had the crap scared out of me when Dad was hospitalized briefly. Was incredibly thankful for Dad's speedy recovery and subsequent good health.

September: Spent some quality time with Dad and the family. Celebrated Brad and Gustavo's marriage...for the third time. It doesn't get old; those guys throw a rad party.

October: Went to Pasadena and am thinking about moving there. Met Juno and fell in love at first sight. Went to San Diego and am thinking about moving there.

November: Welcomed Rico home from Iraq and learned that he and Beth are making me an auntie again.

December: Took a fantastic trip to New York. Reflected on the amazing surprises, blessings and gifts this last year brought me. Started thinking about grad school, next career move and where I want to land for awhile. Celebrated both the passing of one incredible year and the hope and excitement of a new year with family and friends.

Here's to 2009 kicking the ass of 2008! Be safe, be happy, and cheers to you!

The Most Gorgeous Train Wreck You Will Ever See

Today my mom and I are indulging in our favorite past times: eating and mocking others.

Have you ever seen Say Yes to the Dress on TLC? It is a show all about real women picking out their wedding dresses at the famed Kleinfeld bridal salon in New York. It is also a study in family dynamics, passive-agressive behavior and tacky taste in fashion. Obviously I love it.

There is a marathon on today. I am feeling better so my mom whipped up some of her famous crab and cheese fondue and we're avoiding the cold and crowds out there...and laughing our asses off at these women, their moms and bridesmaids. Some of the highlights:

-A woman is afraid that if her dress has too much beading, her fiance will leave her at the altar

-The bustiest woman I have ever seen this side of porn trying on dresses in front of her fiance, who CANNOT STOP TALKING ABOUT HER CLEAVAGE. On TV. In front of her mother.

-The (clearly single) sister of the bride refusing to crack a smile or tell her sister she looks anything other than "nice" in each beautiful dress

-A jilted bride has to make the decision to lose $6,000 on a dress and leave it at the store, or pay the remainder, take it with her, and hope that one day she'll get to wear it. She decides to pay for it and keep it. (Sweetie, sell it on eBay and take a nice vacation!)

-A woman breaks down in tears after her mom tells her that her dream dress is heinous

Mind you, my mom and I are basically treating this show like Mystery Science Theater 3000 and screaming out when someone tries on something hideous or looks awful in a dress (which happens about every two minutes). We are also placing bets on how quickly each marriage ends in divorce.

The other great part is watching women freak out over getting married. Not freak out like, "Oh my God! I'm getting married! This is so great!" More like, "I'm having trouble committing to a dress because ultimately I am unsure about marrying someone and signing paperwork and legally binding myself to another human. But hey! Let's try on some pretty gowns!"

Every commerical break also features an ad for the movie (and affront to all women everywhere) Bride Wars. I mean, seriously. Can I hear from the ladies in the house? Is the premise that the "perfect" wedding is more important than interpersonal relationships insulting to anyone else? Ugh.

Happy Birthday Cappa! aka "That's a Hot Tranny Mess!"

What, you thought I'd do a birthday tribute for Jesus? Nope. Today we are celebrating Courtney Cappa: fashionista, Facebook addict, and lush.

Cappa and I met earlier this year at Boy Chris' bachelor party in Vegas, so I don't have as many embarrassing or touching stories about her, but what I do have? Oh, there be some gems. And the photos? Oh man, the photos... Neither one of us will ever be able to run for public office.

Cappa apparently tried to break some sort of binge drinking record in Vegas the first night and was heard telling Boy Chris, as she leaned on him for support, "Sorry if I drool on you a little." That right there pretty much sealed it for me: this broad is a keeper.

Cappa tried to take advantage of groomsman/nurse Jared's surefire hangover cures in Vegas: IV hydration bags after said night of drunken foolishness. There was some mishap with getting this plan to work, but the sight of this hungover girl in a Vegas hotel room trying to rally for night two was inspiring. Talk about dedication to the cause.

Cappa offers excellent wardrobe advice, which is always appreciated by Girl Chris, the fashion retard. From what to wear to a wedding to a weekend in New York, the girl is spot-on.

Cappa preached the Gospel of Dunkin Donuts coffee to me, which led me to give it a whirl and fall head over heels in love. So, yeah, thanks for getting me hooked on something I can't get locally.

Cappa's birthday falls on Christmas (duh) but rather than whine about it, she chooses to see the positive: she never has to work, it's festive, her family is gathered together...basically, the glass is half full. Of beer. Or Dunkin Donuts coffee.

Cappa got stuck with the bar tab Boy Chris and I rang up. As a joke, we got the bartender to transfer our tab to hers, and she "consented" by giving him a smile and a thumbs up. For some reason she still speaks to us.

Cappa, you bring the party with you wherever you go, and I am so grateful that my circle of friends now includes you. To quote you, "we are rad bitches." Truer words were never spoken. Enjoy your day!

Such an introvert.

Merry Christmas to All...

Have a happy holiday, Interweb!

No Excuse Really

So, I haven't really been on the ball with the whole holiday card thing. If you don't get one, don't take it as a slight or anything. I've been overwhelmed with saving the world...oh who am I kidding? I've been carousing, drinking, traveling and now I'm recovering from some mutant cold.
To make it up to you, I will share something that brings me great joy: a not-so-bloated Alec Baldwin and a joke which revolves around the word "balls." Don't say I am lacking in holiday spirit.

http://www.hulu.com/watch/4156/saturday-night-live-nprs-delicious-dish-schweddy-balls

Being Sick is for Crap 2: Electric Boogaloo

Hey, remember when I could breathe out of my nose? And talk for more than two sentences without coughing uncontrollably? Ah, those were good times.

This is total bullshit, people. The timing really couldn't be worse. Today is my dear mother's birthday (I would do a birthday tribute, but there's no way I could sum up my mom in one post. Plus, she doesn't read this.) and Dave is whipping up a feast unlike any other. As of now it's uncertain if I will be a.) awake and able to partake and b.) able to taste anything should I be able to rally.

Oh, and there's this thing called "Christmas" this week. Heard of it? The stores have been advertising it since August. Anyway, I had kick-ass plans in the Bay Area to see my dad and the fam, Elisabeth and HER family, and various other awesome friends who are in town. I have been looking forward to the gifts, eggnog (and Bushmills, oh the Bushmills!), wine, laughter, chubby baby hands, and time with loved ones. But I'm pretty sure no one really wants to be around me at the moment. It's like having Amy Winehouse over: I'm either drugged up and incoherent and passing out at random, OR I'm freaking out, looking for more drugs, anything to make me feel better. Just substiture "Alka Seltzer cold medicine" for "heroin" in my scenario, OK? Being in this state makes things like operating a car damn near impossible, what with the matter of needing to be not asleep.

Silver lining: my voice is starting to take on a sexy, smoky quality. So, I might start up a phone sex service for the next week to bring in some extra cash. We'll see how many people have a coughing fetish.

Being Sick is for Crap

Seriously.

For months co-workers have breathed on me and tried to get me sick and my mighty immune system has resisted. One flight without some Airborne and my ass is out for the count. I am seriously concerned that since I am getting worse rather than better with time (and rest and juice and soup and every other damn thing that is supposed to make it all better) that my Christmas plans will be derailed. So help me if I miss out on quality Evan or Juno time there will be HELL TO PAY.

My method of dealing with illness is relatively simple and foolproof. I generally just need some juice, drugs and rest. Maybe some movies. For the most part I just want to be left alone and sleep it off. But maybe if I shout my will to be breathe again from the rooftops (or, you know, this blog) good health will once again be mine.

If you'll excuse me now I'm going to cough into my pillow and watch Talladega Nights.

All Baby, All the Time

Lili and I are embarking on a little project together:

http://awesomebabyjuno.blogspot.com/

Unlike past "projects" of ours this is totally legal, our parents can know about it and it's unlikely either one of us will lose our underwear in the process. Woo!

Miss Juno clearly needs her own space and I feel a little weird throwing in updates and baby photos of her here mixed in with my talk of boozin' and sexin' up Tina Fey. So, check out the new blog if you are so inclined. However, as a proud Auntie, I will still post the occasional photo of the wee girl on this site because I adore her to pieces...in case that wasn't obvious.

Next Stop: Denny's Early Bird Special

Something about being sick (or just sickly) makes me feel haggard and tired and old. CKD is not digging this feeling, people. It's sapping my enjoyment of the season and if I am going to survive the schedule for next week it's clear I am going to need all the energy I can get.

Other things that are making me feel a little less than hot and vivacious?

-The look on Coffee Guy's face when I told him my age. (To my credit, I probably could have shaved a year or two off and gotten away with it, but went for the honest route.) You could tell he wanted to ask what it was like when dinosaurs roamed the Earth.

-The discussion I've been having with a girlfriend about eye creams, crows feet and the like. She is crazy-hot though so I am taking any advice she's got.

It's really just a matter of days before I start smelling like BenGay and eating dinner at 4:30 in the afternoon. Someone get me a housecoat and let's just call it good, OK? Hey you kids! Get off my lawn!

I've Got a Gun, Let's Go to a Broadway Show

Despite the heartbreaking absence of a Tina Fey sighting, New York was awesome. Absolutely amazing, really. There's really no way for me to talk about the trip in any sort of interesting meaningful way, so I'll just hit you with the highlights:

*Not sure how to express my newfound love for Dunkin' Donuts coffee, but let's just say it's a good thing it's totally acceptable for me to put that stuff in my mouth because OH MAN DO I LOVE DUNKIN' DONUTS COFFEE.

This one's for you, Cappa.

*In keeping with the theme of my life, "I am a Lonely Nerd" I was exceedingly excited about our trip to the New York Public Library. My purse was searched about 870 times while there, which is funny considering it's mostly closed stacks. What do the guards think I have in there? A painting off the wall? Also, are we concerned that the security at a library is more intense than the security at the airport? I spent a fair amount of time trying to find the exact location where Big ditches Carrie and think I succeeded.

*Walking across the Brooklyn Bridge made me feel like I was in a movie. That may be because I regaled Kevin with the entire plot of the Sex and the City movie and explained its significance to Miranda's storyline which I still maintain was total bullshit but whatever. No one asked me, right? But the bridge was awesome in spite of the wind. My Dunky's kept me warm.

*Have you been to the Met? If so, did your head almost spin off of your neck due to the sheer awesomeness of it all? I was actually a little dizzy by the time we reached the Egyptian temple, but that may have been a caffeine buzz from Dunky's.

*Rockefeller Center...yeah, no Tina, but still pretty awesome all-around.

*Taking the ferry to Staten Island is a good (read: free) way to see the Statue of Liberty, but without all of the waiting around and crowds and such. Also, if you leave the ferry terminal, cross the street and make a right, you will find a Dunkin' Donuts. Fun fact.

*Did you know that I can walk around an amazing city and relate everything to an episode of Sex and the City or Law & Order? Did I mention I'm still single?

*Speaking of Law & Order, I saw Anthony Anderson and did not point and shriek, "OHMYGODLAWANDORDERILOVEYOUWHERE'SJACKMCCOYAAAHHHH!" So, I might actually be growing up a bit. Who knew?

*For all of its touristy cheesiness, the Empire State Building was more than worth the wait in line. We lucked out with a gloriously clear evening, but CKD could have used some space heaters up there.

"Bring your green hat." What's up? Everything's cool...I'm NOT AFRAID OF HEIGHTS and kind of dying inside a little about being 86 stories up in the air. Nope, not me. Totally casual and cool. Really. I'm not clinging to another person as if my life depended on it.

Oh, and obviously the very best part ever of New York was quality time with one of my oldest and dearest friends. Duh. Thanks for a fantastic weekend, Kevin! You rock!

On the Move

Look who's crawling! Let the babyproofing of the house begin!

Juno says, "I'm outta here, bitches. I've got some friends to meet for cocktails down at Whistle Stop. Peace out."

"Hey guys...remember those months where you could set me down and I'd just chill there for awhile and you didn't have to worry about me moving? Yeah, those were good times. Kiss them goodbye."

Rockin' the accessories like her Mama taught her.

Where Did You Get $240? Sshhh...

I dedicate this post to Miz Literature.

Does anyone else remember the TV show The State from MTV? It was on in the mid-90's and was quite possibly some of the goofiest, funniest, most random shit ever. Sometimes the sketches were stupid, but oh man...when they got something right those mothers NAILED it.

Plus, I love Ken Marino:

Here is where I would make a joke about him dipping his balls in something, but, like, 3 people would get it and the rest of you would just think I'm a sick perv.

I keep hearing rumors of a movie involving the cast and I'm not really sure how that would work. It would be like a Saturday Night Live movie: what the hell would the plot be? It's a sketch comedy program - would they try to tie in recurring characters to make some sort of cohesive plot? Would it be any good? Who am I kidding? I'd pay full price to see it. The soundtrack would be great.

Not really sure where I'm going with this, other than wondering if anyone else out there knows this show. I find that I quote from many of the sketches a lot in daily life, regardless if I think the person I'm talking to has any clue what I'm saying. Anyone? Bueller?

Me, Me, Me, Me, ME

I saw this on another site, and figured I don't share NEARLY enough about myself, so here's more personal info, but in list form. Goddamn I love lists. Supposedly another blogger should "tag" you to do this, but I'm just going for it and tagging others. Look at me bucking convention and rules. I'm a loner, Dottie. A rebel.

Anyway, here goes...

Four jobs I've had:

1. Lunchlady/Deli Biatch at the Puget Sound SUB - HOLLA! No joke, I had a following because I make fantastic sandwiches. Also, I showed up to work drunk once. It was great.
2. Training Coordinator for a General Contractor - Probably the best job I ever had. There were Red Vines in the kitchen. Need I say more?
3. Satan's Assistant - Working for an investment firm nearly killed my soul, but I did lose 10 lbs from the stress alone. Sweet!
4. Professional Hippie - Sustainability Projects Coordinator

Four movies I can watch over and over - Bonus: I can also reenact these films for you.

1. Tommy Boy
2. Sixteen Candles
3. Billy Madison
4. Old School

Four places I have lived:

1. San Francisco, CA
2. Tacoma, WA
3. Stafford, VA
4. Chico, CA

Four TV shows I love:

1. 30 Rock - CKD+Tina Fey 4Eva!
2. Arrested Development - Oh, how I loves me some Bluth men.
3. Battlestar Galactica - So say we all.
4. The Daily Show - Don't tell Grandma, but I would totally convert for Jon Stewart.

Four places I've vacationed:

1. Vancouver, Canada
2. Manuel Antonio, Costa Rica
3. Honolulu, HI
4. NYC

Four of my favorite dishes:

1. Dave's Famous Mac n' Cheese
2. Grandma's Potato Salad
3. Mom's Lasagna
4. Sushi - all of it, all the time

Four sites I visit daily:

1. The Superficial
2. Jezebel
3. Facebook
4. Mighty Girl

Four places I would rather be right now:

1. At home, reading a book
2. At Banshee, drinking a beer
3. At a park, playing pirate ship with Evan
4. Kevin Bacon's house

Five people I am tagging - Yeah, I'm adding an extra spot. What are you gonna do about it?

1. Cece
2. Mo
3. Circlestar
4. Rico
5. Roadtripper/Bad Wolf

Like Emily Freakin' Post Up in Here

Seems like everywhere I turn there's an article with etiquette and helpful hints on navigating the workplace holiday party without being known as the office drunk/slut. I, sadly, work in Scroogeville, and will not even have an opportunity to eat too many cookies at an office party, let alone get wasted.

This was not always the case, my friends.

Oh yes, young CKD had herself a big girl job with a big girl company at the age of 21. (Did you know me when I was 21? If so, let me just issue a blanket apology if I ever threw up on or around you. That was my signature move back in the day.) This company was comprised primarily of older men, which meant my need to prove myself usually manifested itself in talking sports and/or drinking heavily. Guess which one is "problematic" at a work function?

Anyway, the point is that I have probably committed every faux pas ever mentioned in one of these "play it cool at the office party and save your drunken jackassery for a family gathering" articles. Except for the one about discussing religion and politics. I never bring that up when we could discuss how hot my office crush is. Much more appropriate.

Let me add a few other helpful tips for any of you out there who are unsure about walking the line between "good time" and "the HR lady needs to talk to you."

1.) If you are wearing a sorta tight dress and you are new to swing dancing and your dance partner really wants to try that move where he flips you around his back don't be shocked when your zipper explodes and your entire back FROM YOUR BRA TO YOUR UNDERWEAR is exposed. Looking suave while executing this move and landing on your feet are the least of your worries, Sweetie.
1a.) Wear underwear - good ones.

2.) The "open bar" is not a challenge. Do not approach it as "Oh, you think you've got enough booze for 200 people? We'll just see about that." This is especially good advice if neither you nor your date (Hi Brian!) are of legal drinking age, you damn moron. What are you trying to do? Get your employers busted for serving to a minor? Jesus.

3.) If you are there with a date, do not ditch him or her and then hook up with someone else at the party. (I have NEVER done this, but this happened to a friend of mine and oh dear God was that awkward.) Even if you are there solo, maybe don't hook up with anyone there. If you've made a love connection and it's deep and true and real (and not just the shots of Patron) you can call him or her tomorrow, keeping your private life out of sight of management. Also, don't hook up with management.

4.) Did we cover wearing underwear? OK, good. I really cannot stress that one enough.

5.) Don't scream "FREEBIRD" at the band or request "Rag Doll" repeatedly.

Hope this helps all of you use your professional gatherings as a way to network, teambuild and celebrate a year of hard work. Remember to wear underwear!

They're All Gonna Laugh at You

I am probably toeing the line between superfan and crazy freakshow here, but this week's episode of 30 Rock was pretty much the best thing I've ever seen. Ever. God bless Hulu. If you missed it on Thursday, you can watch it on http://www.hulu.com/ as many times as you want. Like, three times in one day while you eat cheese and crackers. Not that I would do that or anything... just, uh, making you aware of options. Yeah.

Liz goes to her high school reunion somewhat reluctantly, as she dreads facing up to the cool, pretty girls. Encouraged by Jack to show them that she is a successful, happy adult, she attends only to find out that the sense of humor she cultivated as a defense mechanism caused actual emotional trauma to everyone she encountered. Throw in the girl from Teen Witch, some 80's music and references to Carrie and you have the finest half hour on television this week.

After watching this I actually IM'd a friend of mine "i think i was kind of like liz lemon in high school." So, uh, sorry if I was a total bitch or whatever. I was in kind of a bad mood from 1987 until about 2002.

Her Genius May Not Be Fully Realized in This Lifetime

Message from Circlestar that has made my day - nay, I daresay my LIFE.

"You know you are THAT hungover when you Febreeze yourself."

Appropos of Nothing, I Have the Song "Whatever You Like" Stuck in My Head

Things I Intended To Do Last Night:

-Go for a run
-Take a shower
-Eat dinner
-Watch 30 Rock
-Go to bed early

Things I Did Last Night:

-Went for a run
-Took a shower
-Had some wine with Katie
-Went to a birthday party for a complete stranger
-Shotgunned a Natty Ice with some firemen
-Started a dance party

Sometimes it's best to abandon the expectations and roll with what happens.

Note to Self

Three cookies means satisfyingly full and content.

Four cookies means sick and bloated.

Oy.

I should probably apply this equation to drinks, come to think of it. Bring on the holiday season!

Pushed to the Limit

Tonight I will accompany my mom to Toys R Us.

Let me reiterate: I am going to Toys R Freaking Us during the holiday season. If I could just yank out a kidney and hand that to my mom instead, I would. I am googling "warning signs of a stroke" to see if I can fake one and be excused from this outing.

Yeah, yeah, it's for a good cause: we're picking up some things for a toy drive.

But so help me if some mothereffin' third grader in those godforsaken wheelie shoes knocks into me he best watch his ass because I WILL NOT HESITATE TO THROW DOWN, bitches.

Please, someone hold me.

UPDATE: I made it out of there alive, and we scored some awesome toys for kids who will surely enjoy and appreciate them. I managed to avoid any run-ins with children, but kept my keys in my hand at all times, much like I do when walking through a dark parking lot alone and I need to have a "weapon" on hand. So, who needs a babysitter?

Hello, Darkness My Old Friend

Is it bad that when I hear "The Sound of Silence" I immediately start giggling and think of Frank falling to the bottom of the pool after taking the tranquilizer dart in the neck?

Does this happen to anyone else? No? Oh, OK.

Surefire Cure for a Case of the Mondays

It's the Monday after a long holiday weekend. We're all feeling a little blue about being back at work. Perhaps even a bit stressed about hectic schedules and deadlines. Here are some pictures of pretty girls to perk you up. Don't say I never do anything nice for you.

Lili and Juno being freaking adorable.

Katie and CKD enjoying sake and cocktails while making friends with sushi chefs.