Babies, Black Clothes, Bubba and Blondie

It usually takes me a week or so to get back into the swing of Chico life after a great weekend in the Bay Area. Add quality time with Lili and Juno to the mix and my post-weekend blues increase exponentially.

I was originally going to do this as a Grace in Small Things post, but there's nothing small about the amount of grace my friends and family bring to my life. So, you get some pictures instead.

Cocktail hour at The Club (say this like Thurston Howell for maximum effect). CKD threw on her pashmina since she seemed to pack only black clothing and looked like Morticia Fucking Addams. Seriously, it can't be good when your father, who owns 836 plaid button down shirts, stages a little intervention about the amount of black in your wardrobe.

Juno being hilarious. We should have cut her off after the second drink, but she was all, "DUDE! I can handle it! I'm on vacation...back down."

Holding this kid sets my ovaries to "function mode" or something. She never fusses, loves my dancing (I mean, who DOESN'T, right? But she is clearly advanced.) and even when she spit up on me she leaned over so most of it hit the floor. Where do I get one?

And speaking of the famous DeFazio Dance Moves: Evan rocks out with his toy pager. Don't ask. I think he's expecting a call from 1987 or something.

No, Dad, I DID NOT make the baby sing "All the Single Ladies" and we DID NOT do the dance routine from the video and I most certainly DID NOT swear in front of him. Why do you ask?

A few people have asked about the Blondie concert and all I can say is that the bitch kicks some ASS. I want to be like her when I grow up. And I think the entire gay population of Butte County was at the show; it was nice to meet the six of you. I wasn't great about taking pictures, and the ones I do have are just scary. CKD may have gone a little crazy with the Maybelline Superstay and may have looked a little crazy with her new dark hair, pasty-ass skin and RED lips. Just trust me on this one, OK?

All Baby, All the Time

Lili and I are embarking on a little project together:

http://awesomebabyjuno.blogspot.com/

Unlike past "projects" of ours this is totally legal, our parents can know about it and it's unlikely either one of us will lose our underwear in the process. Woo!

Miss Juno clearly needs her own space and I feel a little weird throwing in updates and baby photos of her here mixed in with my talk of boozin' and sexin' up Tina Fey. So, check out the new blog if you are so inclined. However, as a proud Auntie, I will still post the occasional photo of the wee girl on this site because I adore her to pieces...in case that wasn't obvious.

On the Move

Look who's crawling! Let the babyproofing of the house begin!

Juno says, "I'm outta here, bitches. I've got some friends to meet for cocktails down at Whistle Stop. Peace out."

"Hey guys...remember those months where you could set me down and I'd just chill there for awhile and you didn't have to worry about me moving? Yeah, those were good times. Kiss them goodbye."

Rockin' the accessories like her Mama taught her.

Surefire Cure for a Case of the Mondays

It's the Monday after a long holiday weekend. We're all feeling a little blue about being back at work. Perhaps even a bit stressed about hectic schedules and deadlines. Here are some pictures of pretty girls to perk you up. Don't say I never do anything nice for you.

Lili and Juno being freaking adorable.

Katie and CKD enjoying sake and cocktails while making friends with sushi chefs.

A Message from Juno

Oh, hi there! I'm Juno Constance. You may recognize me from such posts as "Area Baby Humiliated" and "Stay Classy San Diego." Today I just decided to sit up all on my own. You know, for the hell of it. And because I'm AWESOME. I've been rolling over for ages (like, way earlier than other babies) and practice yoga regularly, so why not switch it up a bit and try this "sitting" thing. Well, I have to get going. Have a great day and enjoy this picture of me being the sweetest kid ever.

Why She's My Best Friend Part Deux

In addition to her excellent feedback on my writing, Lili has produced a child destined to follow in her fashionista footsteps:



Argyle legwarmers courtesy of Auntie Francine and Uncle Dave (aka Juno's honorary Tutu and Papa). I love that this is her outfit for yoga. Yes, I am wearing the same Old Navy sweats from 2002 but whatever. Juno can be stylish enough for the two of us. Her mommy will see to it.

Stay Classy, San Diego: The Photos

Here's some evidence of Juno's supreme beauty and sweet nature, as well as our last-minute Halloween costumes.

Oddly enough, the shot of Daddy in a half-shirt and skirt did not make it over to me...Hmmm....

Sadly, this beautiful girl fell asleep before the official Halloween festivities got going, but we had a fashion show on the bed while she was still perky. Please note her bright eyes, smile and my ass in the background.

Prom Queen CKD, Goddess/MILF Lili and Kitty Kat Katie before hitting the party across the street.

(Alternate captions for this photo: Juno Has Two Mommies and Shnoowich)

Hey, guess who is too old to stay up all night and then look semi-human the next day? Mommy had the good sense to come home and go to sleep. Auntie? Not so much. I hope Juno doesn't associate me with the smell of vodka and exhaustion. Everyone knows my signature scent is whiskey and regret.

Stay Classy, San Diego

You know that comforting feeling of being around family and lifelong friends where all pretenses of politeness and such are abandoned, but in a good way? That's what it's like for me to be around Lili and her family. We have our own relationship shorthand and can communicate in facial expressions, movie quotes and sound effects. It's great.

We were pretty lame about photos, but once they get settled in the new place Lili will send some my way and I will share with you, Interweb. You're welcome.

In the meantime, a quick rundown of my trip:

-Minutes after my arrival before someone who shall remain me uttered the phrase "cock block": Two, maybe three.

-Minutes after my arrival before someone who shall remain Lili said the word "mount," then paused, looked at me and said, "Huh huh, I said 'mount'" before finishing her sentence: Three, maybe four.

-Times I decided to show my appreciation for something by declaring my desire to hump it: Oh Jesus, a bunch. But it was for stuff like a carne asada taco and their kick-ass clawfoot bathtub so it was totally justified. Sure, judge me. But you didn't eat those tacos, nor did you see the tub.

-Times I had to resist the urge to eat Juno's fingers: Lost count at 87,000.

-Weeks until I see these lovely peeps again: Six-ish.

Oh, and if a guy dressed as a cowboy offers you a swig from his flask, maybe get more details on what is in it BEFORE accepting his gracious offer. Luckily it wasn't a roofie colada, but 100 proof vodka? Maybe not the best call of my life.

Area Baby Humiliated

Lili and Juno made it home to San Diego and sent off some pictures from their trip. I miss them terribly and cannot wait to see them again on Thursday.

"You have a baby. In a bar."

Yes, we took the baby to my favorite pub for lunch. But in our defense, we really wanted to day drink. Here's our girl showing a healthy enthusiasm for Guinness. Don't judge us - it's not like we were shotgunning Natty Light. I wasn't sure if we could bring her in - since it is a bar - but they serve food, so I figured it was worth a shot. At the very least, it would be her first time getting kicked out of a bar, right? I pointed at Juno and asked the bartender if she was allowed in. He answered, "The baby? [No, her 30 year-old mother, you idiot.] Sure, as long as she's not drinking." My reply was, "Oh God, no. She's driving." Nothing from him. Not even a smile. Come on, that was a little funny! I was quick with the reply! Man, tough room.

And here begins the Baby Humiliation for Our Amusement photo shoot. You know she's thinking, "Laugh it up now, bitches. I'll be choosing your nursing homes!"

Please note Mommy laughing hysterically as Juno plots her revenge against us. Uh, Kid, your mom went through 30 hours of labor WITH NO DRUGS. She will dress you as she pleases. Deal.

If this entire outfit was available in my size I would wear it. In public. I am 100% serious.

This is a girl after my heart: pink, green and orange in one outfit? That's what I'm talkin' about! Every time I see her in legwarmers I start singing "She's a Maniac" from Flashdance

Oh No, She's Going to Talk About Babies Again

Well, Elisabeth and Juno left after their whirlwind Chico adventure. All I can say is that kid could be used for procreation propaganda or something. Quite possibly the sweetest, smiliest, cutest, chubbiest...sigh...most wonderful baby girl. I adore her and cannot wait to take her to tea and baseball games. Just have to make sure she doesn't grow up a Padres fan. My God. Can you even imagine?

Aside from Juno's sheer awesomeness, I was incredibly impressed by her mom's complete ease with the whole motherhood thing. She's so calm and relaxed and has a great sense of humor about it all. Not that I had any doubts she would be a fabulous mom, but seeing it in action was pretty nuts. I miss both of them terribly already and can't wait to see them at their place next week.

My parents, as predicted, pretty much freaked out over both girls. They are huge Elisabeth fans and clearly are smitten with the wee one. My mom isn't really a baby person but I had to pry Juno out of her hands and she insisted on rocking her in the same chair she used with me back in the day. I seriously need to get on the stick (so to speak) with scoring them a grandkid.

Pictures from our adventure in Chico to come...

To Do

We have company coming in soon and I am giddy with anticipation. And to be honest, nervous and spazzy. I consider myself to be a decent hostess, but instead of the usual concerns like "Have favorite wine and snacks on hand" or "Make sure fancy guest towels are clean and ready" I have started freaking out over all of the UNCOVERED ELECTRICAL OUTLETS around the house. What if she starts crawling on Friday, licks her finger and shoves it in a socket? And where will she sleep? A crib? Mm, not something our family just has lying around at the moment. And what if that's not just allergies and my mom has the bubonic plague and will pass it on to an innocent baby? I don't care how well-stocked the fridge is, getting someone's infant sick gets you on the shit list really fast. We're not doing our usual bar tour of downtown, so I need to make sure this place has all the necessary provisions. Trader Joe's, here I come.

So, my list looks more like this:

-Construct some sort of comfortable, safe place for the baby to sleep
-Make sure every surface has been fully sanitized so as not to compromise baby's immune system.
-Maybe we should all wear those asbestos suits so as not to get any germs on her? Yes, buy those suits.
-Threaten all pets with bodily harm if they so much as consider coughing up a hairball near the kid.
-Have wine on hand for Mommy-Auntie happy hour. And cheese. And bread, oh God, don't forget the bread. And olives...
-Seriously, has everyone washed their hands? NO TOUCHING THE BABY UNTIL YOU HAVE WASHED YOUR HANDS!

Don't ask me why I'm being such a freakshow over this. It's not like I am uncomfortable around babies. I have tons of babysitting experience and about 500 cousins. Oh, and there's the matter of helping out with Evan when he was an infant. I know their needs are very basic at this age, and if we need to make a run to Target or Raley's for supplies, we will. Serenity Now!

Can You Feel the Excitement?

I was having a pretty average Monday morning...spreadsheets, meetings, blah blah. Then I got an email from my number one homegirl in San Diego saying she wants to come up and visit this weekend. Would that be OK? Um, HELL YES!

So this Friday our home will host the lovely Lili and fabulous Miss Juno for one night before they head down to the Bay Area. Now we just have to get Juno a fake ID to get into the bars. Anyone? A little help here?

Chico best get ready for these ladies to hit the scene. See you in a few days!

Swinger

I'm headed out of town early tomorrow and may not update for a few days. In the grand tradition of "I'm leaving town - here's a cute picture of a baby!" I present you with Miss Juno's first time on the swings. She loved it, of course. Look at that happy girl!

I just want to eat her fingers. Is that so wrong?

Juno rocks a stylish wrap post-bath. I love this family so much. Seriously, why is San Diego so far away?

Can a Cowbell Cure This?

Continuing the theme of Talking About Stuff That Bores My Male Readers...Guess who has been gripped by a serious case of baby fever? I really have no idea where this came from or what's going on. I don't want to have my own child at the moment, but if someone walked in here right now and asked me to hold a baby, I would do it no questions asked. And I would smell that kid's head and rock him or her and probably nibble on some baby toes.

What is happening? Is this part of being 30 and childless, like my body is trying to tell me to get crack-a-lackin' on the baby making? Doesn't my body know I am in not in a place to be doing that? I'm thinking about grad school and where I want to live and oh my God...what the hell?

I have always liked children and babies, but usually ones that belong to someone I know. Lately I find myself fighting the urge to stare at random babies in public and walk by them with the hopes of catching some of that baby smell. Have you smelled a baby's head? It rivals cookies baking in the "things that smell amazing" department.

As I'm dealing with this, Lili sends me pictures from their family trip to Tahoe. I feel dizzy...tiny hands and toes and a smiley baby... Juno got to meet her Uncle Russell on this trip. Thanks for taking such great pictures of the Junebug, Pusser!

I love these happy girls.

You're smelling her head, aren't you? Aren't you?!

Auntie Molly came in for a visit! We love Molls - we bonded as bridesmaids in Lili's wedding and she stayed with me when she interviewed at UCSF. If this baby thing ever does pan out for me, she is totally delivering that kid.

I may book a flight to San Diego just so I can eat her toes.

Some Cuteness for the Weekend

Juno is three months old! Look at the big girl holding up her head. She is rolling over and smiley...and looking more like Mommy every day.

Tummy time for the wee baby girl. It's like Baby Pilates.

The Fam!

Juno with Mommy and Daddy. They sure like that kid.

Lucky Auntie got to chat with both of Juno's parents the other night and placed a request (loudly demanded) for new photos of the little Bug. They wisely complied.

It had been awhile since I had talked to Nick, and it was great to catch up. He is such an excellent husband to my best friend and daddy to their sweet baby. You can hear his smile through the phone when he talks about his girls. When Lils and I are in the same room we regress to junior high (but with more cocktails) and communicate in movie quotes, inside jokes and silly faces. Nick never demands we stop or explain why something is funny. He doesn't even seem annoyed. He just offers us more wine and lets us be idiots. Not sure if he's being polite, but I think he's simply a good egg. You know, the kind of guy you want your best friend to marry.

Juno Should Have Her Own Blog

Or at the very least her own Facebook page. The unofficial press secretary for the Gould-Fleetfoot household has some new pictures courtesy of a photo shoot with Mommy.

How cute are these girls? I need to find a way to make Chico closer to San Diego so we can hang out all the time.

Mommy gets silly while Juno thinks, "Really, Mommy? That's the face you're going with? You've been around Auntie Christen too much."


I will fully admit this picture made me well up with tears.

Oh, have I mentioned that Mommy finished up her 4-year graduate school program weeks before giving birth, is studying for her state boards in August, and is opening her practice in September? Congratulations, Sweets!

Slacker Auntie

I know I've been behind on my Juno news. Her mommy has been awesome about sending out photos and updates and my lazy self hasn't shared the love. Shame! Here is some cuteness to start off your week!

Pretty in Pink at one month old. She's a stylin' one!

Rockin' the orange G-diaper during her first trip to the beach. Unlike her Auntie, she can get away with going topless.

She understands the importance of turning over to ensure even tan lines.

Cute Juno and Pretty Mommy hanging out. Doesn't she look like a smart little girl already? She's so alert and aware of the world around her. Amazing...