Hey You Kids! Get Off My Lawn!

It's becoming abundantly clear that I am rolling into Old Lady Land at a shocking pace. Yes, there's still the twelve year-old in me who giggles at the words "balls" or "nuts" and all of that good stuff. But lately other signs have pointed to the other extreme. Some examples:

-I am obsessed with procuring a nice tea kettle and tea pot. You know, for when I entertain the ladies from the church bazaar committee or something.

-As mentioned earlier, my tolerance for a clothing style I shall refer to as "whore chic" continues to dwindle. Sweet baby Jesus, buy some pants that fit you! Ladies, this means pants that are not so TIGHT and LOW that your hips turn into a muffin top. Also, tube tops are flattering on about 1% of the population; it is highly unlikely you are part of that group. The guys are not exempt from ridiculous fashion choices. I want to run around campus pulling up everyone's pants and turning baseball caps around so the bill is in the front.

-Did I mention I'm learning to sew? An apron? Yeah.

-I sometimes find the music in bars to be too loud, so I go home. Before last call.

I guess this is a good thing, you know? Slowing my roll and all that. Hopefully at some point I'll find a balance between acting like I'm 21 and on spring break and eating dinner at 4:30 and curling up with my Reader's Digest.

Really, There are No Winners

Have you checked out "You Spin Me Right Round Baby" yet? No? You really should. Circlestar is freaking hysterical and has excellent musical taste to boot. I'll wait for a moment while you scroll down and check out her blog. Good stuff.

A recent post of hers was about a less-than-successful first date. We talked about the fact that it's sad that the best stories are from horrible dates. I mean, it's lovely if he shows up with flowers and opens doors and even does that whole stand-up-when-you-enter the room thing that makes me swoon (pay attention, dudes) but that does not make for great entertainment. And we all know I'm always up for a laugh at your expense. Don't look at me like that. You know you've gotten a good chuckle out of a few of my unfortunate dating disasters. It's cool, admit it.

So, Circlestar and I are starting up a little contest here. Not sure what we'll do about prizes here and this is totally subjective...so just do it because you like us and damn it, this could be fun. We'll call it "The Best Worst Date Story Ever Contest." God, how awesome would be it be if we got Trojans and Xanax to sponsor this? SO AWESOME!

Please, no "I got my period while wearing white pants!" or "And then I farted in front of her!" stories. This is not the Say Anything section of YM magazine and who the hell wears white pants on a first date? You're asking for trouble and deserve to be single. Especially if you were wearing them after Labor Day. I mean, my God.

These need not be bad FIRST date stories. Sometimes the freaks fly under the radar and we get all the way to date #3 and realize, "Holy crap, you're nutburgers!" Since humiliation does not discriminate, neither do we: gay, straight, bi, married, single, whatever... participation from anyone and everyone is highly encouraged!

Let's hear it, kids. Sumbit the stories to either one of our blogs via the comment section, or feel free to email them if you'd prefer. Circlestar and I are the boss of this thing, so we'll decide who wins (or loses, really) this little contest. We'll post, mock and judge them because hello? This is all about laughing at the misfortune of others.

A Class Act

I'm not one to get really emotional over a celebrity's death, but I had to pour a little out for my homeboy Paul Newman. Great actor, total hottie, and super-classy philanthropist long before it was trendy.

I'm renting "Slap Shot" and suggest you do the same. Not just a hockey movie, it combines "the underdog team rallies" genre with bawdiness and a heart, which is rare in many films. Plus, hello? Paul Newman.

Around Town

Overheard in front of the Chico Library:

Girl #1: I don't like skinny jeans.
Girl #2: Really? I do.
Girl #1: Well, I only like them on me. Like, not on a guy or something.
Girl #2: Totallyyyyyy.

Cell phone conversation between young man (maybe 18) and unknown party:

Young Man: Dude, I can't. Me and Grandma, we've gotta go to our hair appointments. (Pause while Unknown Party responds, presumably.) Yeah, we gotta get our hair done and shit. I do it every two weeks on the dot, Man.

Observed on campus while Shaggy-from-Scooby-Doo doppelganger tries to woo a young lady:

Yo! Peace! Love! Recycling!

Working on Our Listening Skills

This morning I found myself singing along to "Funky Cold Medina" on the radio and it hit me: this song is totally about roofies. A love potion for the ladies? Um, thanks Tone Loc for advocating the use of date rape drugs.

I loved this song when I was 11 and now it's a little disconcerting to realize I listened to it in the car on the way to school all the time. Were my parents that tuned out that they didn't catch on? Apparently.

If you'll excuse me I need to go listen to my old New Kids on the Block tapes and figure out what "Hangin' Tough" was really all about.

Some Tina For You

Yes, for YOU! No need to thank me. I know you appreciate this more than words can express.

This makes me feel like a poseur because a.) This isn't my own material and b.) Another fellow blogger sent this to me (Thanks Roadtripper!), so it's not like I even found it on my own.

http://jezebel.com/5054291/why-tina-feys-self+deprecation-is-good-for-women

Back by Popular Demand

Alternate Titles for this post:

-My Favorite Things 2: Electric Booglaoo (The "Electric Boogaloo" thing will never get old for me in case you were wondering.)
-For the Love of God, You Spend How Much on This Shit?

Alrighty then! Let's do this!

Curl Conscious Creme: My hair is naturally curly, but I spent my adolescence in front of the mirror, round brush and hair dryer in hand, trying to will it into submission. Free from the shackles of my own stupidity, I am embracing the curl and sleeping in. Ah, sweet freedom! But to keep myself out of Carrot Top territory, I get a little help from the good people at Bumble+bumble. I have tried about five different products from various lines and I think I'm in love. Ready to put down the flat iron? Get yourself some of this stuff and prepare to be complimented. They make two types since we all know there are sub-catergories within the curl genre. Duh. Bonus: there's no crunchy-curly hair side effect and no need to blow dry if you're running late.

Never a Dull Moment: The name of this face scrub could describe me. Will she spill water down the front of her top in public? Maybe trip in front of a bunch of construction workers? Or fall asleep at 9pm while watching 90210? Yes, yes, and YES. Unlike other abrasive scrubs, this won't irritate your skin and it even smells nice. Thanks, Origins, for making something for the sensitive skin people of the world. Everyone deserves to exfoliate.

Eye Doctor: I am obsessed with wrinkles, but the idea of Botox or whatever makes me ill. So, I'm going the pre-emptive strike route and have been using eye cream since I was 20. I've tried a few but my favorite so far has been Eye Doctor by Origins. It's on the pricey side, but I like the way it feels and it wears nicely under make-up. I also like the fact that Origins places high importance on recycling, organic goods and sustainable practices. For some reason this enables me to justify the cost. Roll with it.

Dr. Feelgood: This is the kind of thing that makes my father crazy. When asked, "What is that?" I reply, "It's make-up, but you don't look like you're wearing make-up." This makes my dad shake his head, pray that Evan turns out normal and sigh, "THEN DON'T WEAR ANY MAKE-UP! Save yourself some money, too." Oh, Dad, your logic is wasted here. I am BeneFit's bitch: cute packaging and a clever name? I'll take two. This is great for a quick touch-up if you're a little shiny or want to quickly even out your skin tone. Supposedly you can also wear it as a base under foundation, but I've never tried that. If you do, let me know how it works out.

Smashbox Photo Finish: Another shout-out to Elisabeth for introducing me to this wonderful creation. As she put it, "Your face feels like cashmere!" You know what? It does. This is basically primer for your face; put it on before your foundation and the rest of your make-up will go on like velvet.

Coffee: Yes, this is technically a "drug" rather than a product, but the people who had to deal with me that one Lent where I gave up caffeine can attest that I need this. Regular coffee, fancy lattes and cafe au laits, over ice...Mama loves it all. I don't drink it constantly throughout the day, but there's something about my morning routine that requires a cup of coffee. Lately I've been making my own at home, but every once in awhile I treat myself to a soy latte from Cal Java, a local, family owned coffee roaster. And yes, I bring my own travel mug so as to cut down on waste. Calm down, Hippie.

Get shopping so we can be twinsies who smell and look pretty...but have nothing saved for retirement. We'll be the best lookin' ones in the poor house. Isn't that what really matters?

Happy Birthday Kirsti aka "Pour Some Sugar on Me"*

The final member of LLD/Lovely Ladies of Regester/Esteemed Women of the Tower is 30 today. Kirsti and I met freshman year at the Puge; she lived in the room next door with Clare, but was in a separate orientation group. It took us a little bit longer to get to know each other, but a friendship was quickly cemented. Our morning classes were around the same time so we got ready in the communal bathroom (ugh) and ate breakfast (yay) every morning. Nothing bonds me to another person like talking hair products and eating. You're stuck with me, Animal!

Kirsti has the most enviable, gorgeous, natural red hair and perfect curls. And the most fiery, crazy, passionate personality to match that red hair!

Kirsti was a total wild child, making us quite the odd couple. I always admired her ability to live in the moment and credit (blame?) her for helping me come out of my shell and take a few risks here and there.

Kirsti is like a one-woman laugh track. Feeling down or lame? Go tell her a mildly amusing story and bask in the glow of her bubbly laugh. It's better than meds, people.

Kirsti is always quick with a hug and words of support in times of crisis. She is also quick to offer up a sound beating, which cracks me up because...

Kirsti is a nurse. She, like many of us, went through a few different majors and career interests before settling into this decision. Clearly it was the right path for her because she loves what she does and I know she brings her natural compassion to work with her each day.

Kirsti is married to Reed and they have a little redheaded cutie pie, Skylar, who is just as feisty as her Mama. Kirsti is also an excellent stepmom to two teenagers, and takes great care to make sure that her blended family is a happy, healthy one.

Kirsti, it seems like yesterday we were celebrating your 18th birthday and now you're a mom and a nurse and living back in Tacoma. The first two are fine, but seriously, get that cute family down here!

*This song always reminds me of driving around in Kirsti's Toyota and I heard it today on the way to work. It's a sign: today is an awesome day!

Saturday Night's Alright for Fightin'

You were told there would be no math involved? Tough. My weekend in a series of lists and tallies. Enjoy.

Boys kissed: I don't know...maybe 5?

Oh, did you mean straight boys?: Unless we're counting Dave and Matthew, that would be 0.

Boys stopping me in Safeway to tell me I look good: Just 1, but he was cute and his friend wasn't exactly disagreeing.

Asses slapped: I lost count at 6. John, where's my $10?

Times Dave's version of Drunk Lecherous Dude at Party made me laugh: Haven't stopped yet.

New black boots (!) complimented: Every time I turned around, bitches.

Go Get Some Culture

Culture Organic Frozen Yogurt is open for business, people! Regular readers may remember my plug for a former classmate's new business venture. You've been working hard - go ahead and treat yourself to something tasty. You deserve it.

Mention my name and get verfication that Joey was my favorite New Kids on the Block.

http://culturefrozenyogurt.com/

Congratulations, Alexis and Mary!

Evan's First Day of School

My Sweet Boy,

Today Mama, Dada and I took you to your first day of school. Yes, it's only pre-school but... wow. What just happened? Wasn't I worried about supporting your head while holding you about five seconds ago? Didn't you just start crawling? You are growing so fast and I couldn't be prouder of the person you are becoming. You like to help and comfort people. This, more than any other quality, defines you. I credit Mama with this one. Your sense of humor and love of making people laugh is sheer Dada. The way you repeat a joke until it gets really old? Yeah, that might be from me.

Looking at you in those first few days, we had no idea what you would be like at 6 months, 1 year, 2 years...and at each step you smile more, hug more, make us laugh more. How is this possible? How can such a little guy (you tell me you're a big boy but I don't think so) be filled with such joy and be so willing to share it? At this rate you'll shoot rainbows out of your butt by the time you start kindergarten. This family - this world, really - is better because of you. You were more than worth the wait.

While you are a joy, you are also a toddler - and every once in awhile you are a rotten one. It takes us all by surprise when you lose it and freak out because you are so even-keeled most of the time. But it also reminds us that you are a real person with feelings and frustrations; you're figuring out how to express yourself, and I am trying to respect that. (Frankly, I envy the freedom you have to pitch a fit in Target, because if I pulled that shit? Yeah, there would be a rent-a-cop all up in Sissy's grill.) Lucky for us you are easily calmed; it's almost like you need a reminder that we have your back and will help you find a solution to the problem. And you know what? We totally will.

I cannot wait to pick you up today and hear about your new adventure. I know you had fun because you are a DeFazio and we bring our own party wherever we go. Hopefully you learned a little something, too.

Love you always,
Sissy

That's MISS Flex Gunship

Today's theme? Things of Zero Importance or Substance. Let's do this!

If Sarah Palin were your mother, what would you be named? Click below to find out:

http://politsk.blogspot.com/2008/09/sarah_13.html

More importantly: if Sarah Palin were your mother, would she babysit for you while you go to prom? Because that would be a huge help.

Many thanks to Cece for the link. See, it's not plagiarism if you cite your sources.

If You Could All Keep It Down, That Would be Great

Hey, remember that time a co-worker invited you over to her house for one glass of wine to celebrate her new job offer? And then it turned into four... bottles? On a Wednesday? And you had to be at work at 7:30am the next day? Yeah. That was great.

I need to take my own hangover advice right now, but that whole "remaining-upright-while-at-work" thing is messing me up. My usual recovery routine looks a little like this:

1.) Sleep as long as possible. (In this case, that meant roughly 4 hours. I look darling today, in case you were wondering.)
2.) Roll out of bed slowly. Slowly being the key word here. Nothing is on fire; there is no need to do anything with any sort of urgency.
3.) Get some purple Vitamin Water (Revive) and get hydrating. Ideally this will happen over the course of several hours, preferably during a Law & Order marathon, or while watching Tommy Boy.
4.) Now that the "hydration" phase is complete, get some spicy food and a Coke. No viable spicy food options? Man, your life sucks. OK, any greasy food will do here. McDonald's or Taco Bell will work in a pinch.
5.) Get back on the couch. Don't be a hero and try to do laundry or hold up your end of a conversation with another human.

When did I decide to start living my life like it's a wacky sitcom, or start pretending it's 1999 and we can chalk up this level of poor decisions to youthful exuberance and naivete? This week, apparently.

In other news, congratulations K! Staff Development's gain is our loss. Don't forget about us on the other side of campus, OK?

UPDATE: Someone who is really annoying randomly brought in donuts for our office. Could there have been a better development in my day? No.

Diet? What Diet?

Who would like to man the stopwatch for the countdown until my heart attack?

In my rush to get out the door, I forgot to pack something for breakfast. No worries, right? There's a cafeteria with yogurt and fruit and bagels just a short walk away. Yes, the cafeteria has all of those healthy, delicious options. Which is why I went for the Breakfast in a Cup. Already sounds a little disgusting, huh? And also maybe just a little tasty? Sweetie, you have no idea.

My little Artery-Clogger in a Cup consists of potatoes, egg, sausage (you can get bacon, or BOTH if you want to die before lunch) and is topped with shredded cheese. My co-worker Katie, in a flash of brilliance, adds gravy. (Did I mention you can also get biscuits and gravy here?) For kicks, I asked them to add some on top of the potatoes. People, this may have been the best decision I HAVE EVER MADE. I trimmed my own bangs last week - even though I am paying a professional to do my hair tomorrow - so I've been all over the excellent choices as of late.

It's been about 15 minutes since I inhaled my food, and the tummy is starting to ache a bit. I just told one of the Grounds guys about my breakfast. His response? "You got the GRAVY? Man, the stuff in the cup is bad enough. You're not looking so good."

Here's hoping my healthy lunch, lovingly prepared by Dave, will counteract the effects of whatever the hell I just ingested.

Oh, have I mentioned that the last time I had my cholesterol tested it was well over 300? Anything over 200 is "bad" so let that info sink in for a moment. Maybe tomorrow I'll drive blindfolded or cover my bedroom floor with rusty nails and run around barefoot.

Wherein I Act Like It's 1993 Up in Here

Did you see 90210 last night? I did! Within the first three minutes the words "Donna Martin Graduates!" were uttered and I almost snorted Sauvignon Blanc out my nose. If someone mentions throwing another person down the stairs like Donna I may suffer a stroke from the sheer awesome cheesiness.

We also know the identity of Kelly's baby daddy. I totally called it! Not sure if I should actually be proud of that, but let me have my small victories, OK?

It's so funny how my ritual of sitting down to watch this show has remained eerily similar to when I was 14, but with some small tweaks. When I was a kid, I'd hunker down with some cookies or ice cream. Now? Wine. And maybe some cookies or ice cream. Don't look at me like that.

PS No, every Wednesday will not be a 90210-related post. Don't give up on us, Baby.

Where is Emily Post When I Need Her?

Interesting etiquette dilemma and I am seeking your advice. Yes, you.

So, I love Facebook and am open to being friends with people from my current social circle and I joined my high school alumni group. It's been fun to reconnect and hear what's new and exciting. I try not to be a total Facebook whore, but I have yet to receive an invitation that made me uneasy. Until now.

Recently I have received two requests from people I don't know. One is a friend of a friend, but I have never met the requestor. While I'm sure he's not out to harvest my organs or something, it just strikes me as odd that he would do this. The mutual friend isn't someone I've been in touch with since college, anyway, so it's not like we're all going to get together and have coffee any time soon. The second person and I share a last name, but I have never seen nor heard of this woman in my life. She appears to be roughly my age, and when I looked up her other friends, I could see there are many others with our shared last name. I'm pretty sure she assumed we are related (and we could be - I'm not in touch with any extended family on my dad's dad's side), and just added me.

So, do I hit "Ignore" and call it good? Do I send these people a message explaining my uneasiness? Or do I open myself up to the possibilities that these people could bring great, unexpected joy into my life and hit "Accept" and go from there?

To all the FB haters out there: Yes, I know...this is lame and what I get for being there in the first place...blah blah. Save it.

Any advice? I feel like I need to acknowledge these people for some reason, but how? And why do I feel that way? Oh yes, because when you get down to it I'm a people-pleaser and cannot stand the idea that someone - even a complete stranger - may view me as rude. That's right.

Brilliance and Good News Abounds

When I think about my friends and family I get so excited at the number of bright, funny, witty, energetic, supportive people in my life. Sometimes I wonder why they're slumming by hanging out with me, but mostly I'm grateful and go with it. If you'll excuse the bragging, I have some shout-outs to deliver. Let's do this!

1.) Congratulations, Elisabeth Gould, M.S., L.Ac (that's Master of Science, Licensed Acupuncturist) on passing your boards. Now start poking people with needles and prescribing herbs and such.

2.) Long-distance dedication to Roadtripper8, who moved into a swanky new pad and started her job this week. Show 'em how it's done, Lady!

3.) Evan has been accepted into pre-school and will start Friday. One of the teachers thinks he will be bumped up into an older age group since he is a genius*. My dad's comment? "I feel sorry for the other parents. Their kids aren't as cute or as smart as he is." No joke. Evan is going to wipe the floor with these other clowns.

In exciting job-related news, we received approval to move forward with two more solar projects. I helped gather the supporting data and organize it so my boss could sell it to our Board. Yay sustainability! Steve Holt!



*Maybe she didn't use the word "genius" but come on. That kid is all kinds of smarty-smart.

Shock and Awwww Yeah

Me: "...and she's all freaked out because a week earlier we were partying it up and dancing in a cage and she had no idea."

Him: "Hold up. You were what?"

Me: "Well, you know, drinking and we went out dancing."

Him: "No, back up. You were dancing in a cage?"

Me: "What, I was, like, 22. It wasn't my job or anything."

Him: "Are there pictures of this?"

Me: "I don't think so. But you're talking to the girl who woke up on top of the covers in her underwear with a bruise on her forehead from hitting it on the toilet. So, there totally could be. I have no idea."

Him: "I'm going to Google your name and cage dancing."

Me: "Go for it. And let me know if you find pictures of me and another girl in an elevator in Vegas this year."

Him: *Stares in silence without blinking*

Me: "OK, I can explain that one - "

Him: "Don't. I want to be surprised."

She's Crafty

It's well-known that I am...how you say? Ah, yes, lacking in the domestic arts department. I can't cook to save my life, although I am a fabulous baker, and I haven't made a present for anyone since the second grade. But lately I've been inspired by mom and stepmom. My mom made her own clothes in high school as well as several kick-ass Halloween costumes for me. She also crochets, cross-stitches and has taken up quilting. Judy made her own wedding dress (and it's gorgeous) and has outfitted me with quite the winter accessory collection. The orange knit hat I wear in the winter? Yeah, she whipped that up in the hospital just before her c-section.

With nothing else to do today, I accompanied my mom to a local quilting store since she's gearing up to make one for me finally. (She has already made one for Evan - her ex-husband's kid - but I had to wait my turn.) Here's the thing: as lame as I am in this area, I love the process of shopping for the goods and helping my mom pick out the various pieces. I saw a pattern for an apron and mentioned I thought it would be fun to learn to sew so I could make things for myself. People, I don't think I've ever seen my mom so excited. We ran around the store looking at different materials, found a "simple" pattern and now my mom is going to teach me how to sew. An apron for me to wear, in an unironic way. For reals. We figured this is easy enough since it's just a few pieces and straight lines. Since I rarely walk in a straight line, I don't know how this will turn out, but I've got an expert guiding me.

We grabbed two complementary patterns that are adorable and have a vintage-but-not-old-lady-feel, and set out to find some thread. After holding up two possibilities, I pointed to one and said, "This one. It bridges the two patterns better than the other." My mom looked at me like I just told her I was giving her grandchildren and said, "Very good! You really are my daughter." Apparently the sarcastic wit and flat feet weren't enough of an indication for her.

If this goes well, expect me to wear this thing all over town because I am that obnoxious.

Small Town Life

This is my second weekend in a row in Chico and I feel myself getting restless. Sometimes I love it, but it's been crazy-hot and this delicate flower is wilting. On a more shallow note, the shopping options are not doing it for me. Mama needs some black boots and my favorite shoe store closed, which meant a trip to the dreaded Chico Mall which meant I wanted to open a vein after about five minutes. But I didn't.

But then there's the fantastic part of small-town life. Like running into my friend Mandy at her booth at the farmer's market and getting all kinds of free samples. Free CHEESE samples. Yeah, you heard me. When you live in Chico your friends own dairy farms and almond orchards and you get to "test out" the merchandise. Of course I wanted to buy some and she was all, "Oh, you let me borrow your notes in a class that one time, consider it a 'welcome back' gift." Since she and her boyfriend are planning a trip to a Slow Food convention in Italy, I insisted on paying and told her to keep on making awesome stuff and keeping her family's business running.

While wandering around downtown later I bumped into a friend from work. His wife and daughters were off doing girl stuff so he was passing the time walking the dog and enjoying the sunshine. We sat down and talked about his daughters, my move back, people-watched and had a nice visit. That kind of thing didn't happen to me much in San Francisco. Even if I did bump into a friend, he or she would have been on the way to some event or in a rush to run an errand. Random leisurely visits were not the norm. It was such a pleasant surprise and made me want to give Chico a little kiss on the cheek for being so sweet today.

Still, I'm looking forward to getting out of town next weekend. It's nice to switch it up.

In other news, we have an Obama/Biden sign on our lawn. I'm taking bets on how many of the neighbors stop speaking to us.

Grocery Shopping Made Fun

Conversations with Dave in and around Trader Joe's today:

While in line to check out, referencing a woman in another line:

Dave: "Her face bugs me. Why is that?"
Me: "She has 'bitch face.' You can just tell she's a bitch. Kind of like guys with 'date rape' face."
Dave: "You're right. It's total 'bitch face.' That, and 'skank face.' I don't like her."

While looking at some dry skin on his arm:

Dave: "Look at this. Is this cancer?"
Me: "Hey, remember how I'm not an oncologist?"
Dave: "Oh, yeah. Maybe it's just my bug bite healing."

And, SCENE!

Backstage Pass

There was a music festival taking place on campus this week, and the name of one of the bands made me laugh out loud: Viking Sandwich. A good one, for sure.

But I like the name of my all-girl heavy metal band better: Steel Erection.

They Grow So Fast

Tomorrow my parents are taking Evan to enroll in pre-school. He may start as soon as next week. Mixed emotions all-around from the adults in this scenario. Evan may be ready for this new adventure but I'm not sure we are.

Evan, January 16, 2006. This is how I will forever think of that kid.

Our telephone conversation tonight:

Me: "Hey Bubba."

Evan: "HI SISSY. I'm wearing jammers."

Me: "Nice! Getting ready for bed?"

Evan: "Almost. I'm saying hi to you now. Will you come see my school?"

Me: "Of course I will. I would love to see your school. Talking to you makes my whole day, Baby."

Evan: "You make my day happy, too. Goodnight. I hang up now."

Click.

Clearly, he is my favorite person ever.

It's Not Me, It's You

Summer, you know I love you. Flip-flops, trips to the beach, barbecues. We've had some good times, but frankly, you've been a bit of a bitch this year and I need to break it off. I mean, what the hell was up with the month of June? And the fires? Putting my respiratory system at risk for infection did nothing to endear you to me.

Sure, we turned it around in July and August was pretty great. But we can't go on like this: me all sweaty and going into shock from the heat outside to the cold air conditioning inside. It's not healthy.

Much as I love you, we know I'm not in love with you. My heart really belongs to Fall. I look better in the colors and it's acceptable to be pasty. Plus, I have some scarves that are dying to see the light of (shorter) days. I hope you'll understand.

Love,
C

Yes, I am 14

This almost makes me want to take up golf:

http://schwettyballs.com/


For the original SNL sketch:

http://www.hulu.com/watch/4156/saturday-night-live-nprs-delicious-dish-schweddy-balls

I think for Christmas I'm going to buy my parents tee-shirts that read "I Spent Thousands of Dollars on My Child's Education and All I Got is a Daughter Who Laughs at the Word 'Balls.'"

Lazy

For some reason I am really tired today, but there's stuff I want to share. So you get a post in list form. How exciting for you! Hey, there's no mention of my womb so enjoy the reprieve from my crazy.


Things that have recently brought me happiness:

My new business cards. Recognize!

Talking to Evan on the phone about how great cupcakes are. Glad he gets it. Also, I think I convinced him to have a "Fireman" birthday party when he turns three.

Being compared to a hurricane and asked what type of beer and hard alcohol need to be on hand when I'm around.

Reconnecting with people from the past and realizing you have more in common than you ever thought. How fun is that?

Coffee Guy calling me "Sunshine" and waving when I walk in the door.

Watching the sunrise during my morning run.

Hearing ABBA's "Take a Chance on Me" at 7:20 am.


Things that are bumming me out:

Evan may start pre-school soon? No, he's still a baby. NO.

The Executive Planner 2009 ordered for me. I am neither an executive nor a planner. Something about a faux-leather planner embossed with my name screams "frumpy" and I don't care for it.

My new business cards do not have the words "biatch," "homegirl," or "mama" on them. Unacceptable.

Seriously, how hard is it to find black knee-high boots? Very, apparently.


I'm glad the first list is shorter than the second. No idea why I feel the need to even mention stuff that bums me out...balance? Not wanting to jinx the good?

Fun fact: today is Joe Perry's birthday. He is almost exactly three years older than my Dad.

OK, Mama's sleepy. You kids have a nice day.

Baby Mama, Hold the Drama

By some weird twist of fate, Baby Mama showed up today courtesy of Netflix. As much as I adore the work of Tina Fey I thought it looked stupid and wasn't enthused. The commercials always showed Amy Poehler peeing in the sink and if that's a highlight, I wanted none of it.

It's surprisingly funny and original and kind of sweet. And completely timely for this girl given my recent state of mind. There's even a scene where Tina's character, Kate, leans in to smell a baby in an elevator. I feel you, Sister.

Plus, Steve Martin plays a total jackass so that right there is pretty fantastic.

Here's your Tina picture for this week.

Amy Poehler is married to Will Arnett from Arrested Development so while I don't love her the way I love Tina, I really want to be friends with her.

Can a Cowbell Cure This?

Continuing the theme of Talking About Stuff That Bores My Male Readers...Guess who has been gripped by a serious case of baby fever? I really have no idea where this came from or what's going on. I don't want to have my own child at the moment, but if someone walked in here right now and asked me to hold a baby, I would do it no questions asked. And I would smell that kid's head and rock him or her and probably nibble on some baby toes.

What is happening? Is this part of being 30 and childless, like my body is trying to tell me to get crack-a-lackin' on the baby making? Doesn't my body know I am in not in a place to be doing that? I'm thinking about grad school and where I want to live and oh my God...what the hell?

I have always liked children and babies, but usually ones that belong to someone I know. Lately I find myself fighting the urge to stare at random babies in public and walk by them with the hopes of catching some of that baby smell. Have you smelled a baby's head? It rivals cookies baking in the "things that smell amazing" department.

As I'm dealing with this, Lili sends me pictures from their family trip to Tahoe. I feel dizzy...tiny hands and toes and a smiley baby... Juno got to meet her Uncle Russell on this trip. Thanks for taking such great pictures of the Junebug, Pusser!

I love these happy girls.

You're smelling her head, aren't you? Aren't you?!

Auntie Molly came in for a visit! We love Molls - we bonded as bridesmaids in Lili's wedding and she stayed with me when she interviewed at UCSF. If this baby thing ever does pan out for me, she is totally delivering that kid.

I may book a flight to San Diego just so I can eat her toes.

How You Doin'?

A friend and I were talking about Val Kilmer the other day and she said, "Oh yeah, he's on my list." Got me thinking about my list and how it has evolved over time. I mean, Tom Cruise occupied a spot on it for years. Stupid volleyball scene in Top Gun really got to me. Come to think of it, I think Val was there for awhile. I still love him but as of now my Top Five looks like this:

Chris Noth: Let me be clear on this one: I fell for him during the Law & Order days when he was solving crimes as Detective Mike Logan. I didn't really care for him as Mr. Big; he was too slick for my taste. Then he did a movie with Hilary Duff and cred was lost. But then I catch a Law & Order marathon now and then and all that love comes rushing back. So, he stays on The List.

Jamie Bamber: Yes, Jen, I am including someone from the cast of Battlestar Galactica. This hot Brit fakes an American accent and even though I'm a total accent whore, I kind of wigged out when I heard him in an interview. Obviously not a deal-breaker though. I'm kind of bummed his character isn't a pilot anymore; he looked pretty sweet in that uniform. Don't even suggest he's a Cylon or I will be forced to beat you down.

Jason Bateman: This one goes way back. JB caught my eye as mischief-maker Derek on Silver Spoons. Kind of weird that as a six year-old I was like, "Ooh, bad boy. Heeyyy now." If It's Your Move is ever released on DVD I will probably freak out because that was such an awesome, underrated show. The Hogan Family years prove that he is incapable of having an awkward period. His awesome performance and boyish good looks on Arrested Development sealed the deal. If given the chance to watch him in anything, ever, I will. Except Teen Wolf Too. That was some lame shit.

Jon Stewart: Stalking laws are the only thing keeping me from moving to New York and following him around all the time. Doesn't he look like the kind of guy who would wake up early and get bagels while you sleep in and not judge you when you use too much cream cheese? Then you'd do the crossword together and go for a walk in the park.

Kevin Bacon: The man took his licks during fraternity initiation, got a town to dance and was an astronoaut. Did you see him that one time on Will & Grace? That was genius. And yes, I can easily relate to a fictional gay man on a canceled television show. This is why I am a varsity level hag, people. Anyway, this one has spanned decades, too, and I'm not sure if that makes me a loyal fan or really imbalanced and in need of meds. I've never written to him or done anything crazy so we'll call it good.

There's No Section for This in My Dream Analysis Book

Last night I had a dream that it was the day of my First Holy Communion...only I was Present Me, not Eight Year-Old Me. And I knew this was weird. In fact, all of us "kids" were adults. Elisabeth was there and I remember looking at her and thinking, "Dude, you're married with a kid. What are we doing?" And then I looked around and the Bush twins were there, just chillin'. Of course.

I'm pretty sure the apocalypse is imminent.

Mostly this freaked me out because I frequently have dreams where Present Me is back in high school or whatever, but I (and the others around me) don't know that. But being all aware and shit? Man, that kinda messed me up.

It Could Happen

Since I wrote about Dave Coulier and he ended up being an hour from my house the next day, I'm going to try a little experiment.

A million dollars.

Jason Bateman.

I'll keep you posted.

Ask and You Shall Receive

Guess who's headlining at Rolling Hills Casino tonight in Corning? Dave Coulier! I had no idea until I opened up the paper this morning, and the heartbreaker's photo was staring up at me. Tempting as this is, I don't want to go alone. And if I did go, what's the plan from there? Walk up to him and say...what? "I got your autograph years ago and I made a joke yesterday on my blog about getting it on with you. Can I call you 'Joey'?" Smooth.

And who am I kidding here? We all know I'm Uncle Jesse's bitch anyway.

You Probably Think This Post is About You

A good friend turned me on to a great podcast from "This American Life" regarding break-ups. The first act was all about break-up songs and was one of the funniest things I've ever heard in spite of its subject matter. I've been wanting to put together a Broken Hearts Greatest Hits for a long time now. You know, for wedding gifts and such. Anyway, the podcast and my entire summer made me think about some of my favorites and why I enjoy them. They all have different purposes and satisfy various needs through the healing process. Because I know you care, I'm going to tell you all about it.

Have something you'd like to share with the class? The comment section is all yours, Baby.

"Against All Odds": Ah, Phil Collins...when asked if he enjoys his music, Jack Donaghy of 30 Rock replied, "I have two ears and a heart, don't I?" True that, Jack. Anyway, this is possibly one of the most cheesetastic songs ever. If you have a chance, check out the video on YouTube. It was the theme to a film by the same name starring Jeff Bridges and James Woods. Jeff Bridges was smokin' hot back in 1984. For reals. Who knew The Dude had it goin' on? Without a doubt, this one is of the weepy, sappy variety. Listen to it in the dark while drinking wine from the box.

"Goodbye to You": I know I've mentioned this one before, but it's a good break-up song because it conveys the mixed emotions of a failed relationship, but it's upbeat so you can dance through the pain. Maybe that's just me.

"It's a Heartache": If pressed to name a Bonnie Tyler song that best conveys love problems, most people will pick "Total Eclipse of the Heart." A classic, I admit. But this one is entirely underrated. Check it out. Strikes a nice balance between the setimentality of Mr. Collins and the bouncy pop sound of Scandal.

"Knowing Me, Knowing You": Did you think I wouldn't mention ABBA at some point? Please. It's all breathy and dramatic and they're Swedish. Great stuff.

"I Will Survive": No disrespect to Cake, but I am quite loyal to the Gloria Gaynor original. I like to think of this as an anthem of Woman Power and that means a woman sings it. Obviously this must be blared and sung along to if you have been wronged by the one you loved. Feel free to choreograph a little dance routine if that gets you through the day.

"You Oughtta Know": Really Alanis? We're THAT flipped out over Joey from Full House? Well, damn. I met Dave Coulier at a celebrity hockey game years ago and got his autograph. Kinda wish I had gotten more out of him, if you know what I mean, dude.* Clearly there's a lesson to be learned: don't underestimate the mullet, ladies.

"Return of the Mack": Do not make fun of this one. Boy Chris can attest that this song and some Coors Light take the sting out of a cold hard dis. Perfect for when you want to party through the pain. Be sure to wear your baseball cap backwards for maximum jackassery.

"All By Myself": Yeah, when I was young I never needed anyone either, Eric Carmen. It's a different world now and you get it. Good for you, man. Good for you.

"These Boots are Made for Walkin'": Found out your man did you wrong? Going to karaoke night with the girls? This is your song.

"Love Hurts": Well, no shit it does.

"I Want to Know What Love Is": And who doesn't?

"You're So Vain": I'm not sure who Carly Simon is singing about, but it could be any number of my exes. And probably yours too.

*I am talking about sex.

Thanks, Science!

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/09/080902161213.htm

The article states that allele 334 is not an absolute indicator of infidelity or general behavior in a relationship, but how cool would it be to "screen" for cheating the same way we do for high cholesterol or some other defect? It would be nice to have an indicator that when you fly to California for your grandma's funeral it's likely your boyfriend will bring some random skank back to your house while you're gone.

9021-Oh My God It's Back

While I was a fairly devoted Beverly Hills 90210 viewer the first time around, I didn't have much interest in the new version. Pretty rich kids with problems? I'll pass. But an East Coast source gave me the heads up that this was some juicy stuff so I figured I'd check it out.

Guess who is completely hooked? Oral sex! Cheating! Drugs! Unplanned pregnancies! Does it get any better? No, it does not. Go ahead and mock my infatuation with this show. I probably deserve it. And no one's more shocked than I am that I am interested enough to tune in next week. I think this will replace my Gilmore Girls Tuesday night guilty pleasure.

This show has inspired me to start dressing cuter (judging by Coffee Guy's reaction today's effort was a good one), do something with my hair and update the make-up routine. It's important to have goals.

Personal Attacks and Politics

Sarah Palin's 17 year-old daughter is knocked up. Apparently I'm supposed to be really upset by this, but I couldn't care less. She's not my kid and it has zero impact on how I vote or my world view in general.

I'm furious with the media outlets who compare Palin to Tina Fey. Yes, they are both women who wear glasses. But Tina Fey is lovely and pure and I will not stand to have her compared to a Republican who has clearly done a great job of teaching her daughter the importance of abstinence. How's that working out, Alaska?

Hi, I name my kids shit like "Bristol" and "Trig."

Hi, I am fabulous and funny and love the Earth.

See the difference, America? Now stop it with the unfair attacks on Tina. Comparing her to a self-proclaimed "hockey mom." Please.

Barf, Bigfoot, Bug Bites

Mama's back, kids. It was a great weekend with a bit of excitement thrown in here and there. I know I've mentioned this before, but I really, truly, sincerely cannot handle vomit. Like, not at all EVER. And certainly not while sober. Guess who decided to puke all over his Sissy? Yeah. By the time Judy was able to pull over there was barf everywhere: all over Bubba, his car seat, my suitcase, the back of my dad's chair. I could not have been more horrified had the car caught on fire. Judy and I got it all cleaned up and I managed not to vomit myself, nor did I suffer a psychotic break. Evan managed to throw up once more before we got to the cabin. Thankfully my uncle kept the cocktails coming.

As if I hadn't suffered enough, yesterday Evan threw up in my hand while we had some company over. I tried to act all cool like this happens every afternoon but I went inside and totally lost my shit. The humanity.

In other news, I gave whiskey a serious try and I like it. Who knew?

The Bigfoot Parade was everything you could hope for and more. One "float" (really someone's pick up truck) featured a dude in a Chewbacca costume. My cousin and I figure Wookies are related to Sasquatch. The parade was also heavy on the fireman action, but these were Willow Creek volunteer firefighters, so the "hot" factor was pretty low. Like, completely nonexistent.

My hopes and dreams for the weekend were realized: lots of pool time, no make-up, hair in pig tails and family bonding. I totally roughed it too: no hair dryer or laptop. My uncle brought a box of photos for us to go sort through and divvy up. I found some cute ones of my parents that made me laugh and also made me a little sad. In one my mom is pregnant with me, and she's smiling at my dad while he's talking on the phone and smiling down at her tummy. They look so young (and they were - Mom was 21 and Dad was 24) and happy. They were probably genuinely excited about the baby on the way. Hey, they didn't know she'd have colic and then grow up to be a complete freakshow.

I have to go put more anti-itch lotion on my 2000 bug bites. Hope your Labor Day weekend was just as fun but with less vomit.