Because My Friends Cannot Make Decisions Without Your Help Either

Interweb, your assistance is requested regarding A Very Important Fashion Decision. A wedding-related fashion decision...which is pretty hardcore in the realm of clothing choices. The marriage may not last, but those photos are around FORFUCKINGEVER. (Just ask my mom about the harassment she has endured at the hands of her only child. Hey, if you wear a lampshade hat, expect me to comment on it, OK?) For the first time in the history of someone getting married I am NOT the one required to don a bridesmaid dress. But we have a Bridesmaid Virgin on our hands and she needs our help.

Miss Katie will be in her very first wedding in September, which is actually very exciting. The bride has chosen dresses offered through an online boutique, and has designated "persimmon" as the color. However, being a reasonable sort, she is allowing each girl to choose her own style. Here is where you can help.

We have a little poll going where you can vote on which style Katie should choose. She has it narrowed down to two, but is open to suggestions if you feel strongly. You can vote in the comments, too, and all opinions will be considered.

Here is Katie, in case you haven't met her:

Check out the dress options here http://lulakate.com/bridal/. Katie is leaning toward the Ashley or the Katherine (which would be kinda cute since that is her name and all, but not really a requirement), but open to suggestions if the overwhelming majority feels differently. This is kind of reminds me of playing dress-up with my dolls only it's a real, live person. Who really likes wine. See why we're friends?

Conte and Pollie Get Married!

Saturday night in Pasadena? Of course I crashed a wedding! Did you expect anything else?

OK, full disclosure: I was invited to crash. I met Conte at Boy Chris' bachelor party and knew he was a kindred spirit (read: total drunk, just like me). I had the pleasure of meeting his gorgeous bride Pollie when Boy and Katie were married, and they were gracious enough to invite me for the booze-and-boogie portion of their wedding. Congratulations! (In case it isn't glaringly obvious, I went for the brown halter dress - thanks for your votes!)

How cute are my friends? So freaking cute!

Haaaave you met Cappa? You really should.

Beautiful Bride Pollie flanked by Cappa and Girl Chris.

Sorry, Ladies, he's taken. I'm convinced Conte and I are related.

Hotties at the party: Kristie, Cappa, and Nikki.

If this man ever asks you to give the bartender a thumbs up - don't! Boy Chris and Katie looking adorable as usual. Thanks for letting me stay with you!

Kendrick and Wong keep the "thumbs up" action going.

My new friend Jen (rocking my extra pashmina) and Cappa keep it classy.

Oh, I've got your Double-Double right here.

What happens when a car full of drunks stops at In-n-Out at 1am? Milkshake down! Thank God Cappa captured this on film INSTEAD OF HELPING US WIPE IT UP.

Saturday Night's Alright for Fightin'

You were told there would be no math involved? Tough. My weekend in a series of lists and tallies. Enjoy.

Boys kissed: I don't know...maybe 5?

Oh, did you mean straight boys?: Unless we're counting Dave and Matthew, that would be 0.

Boys stopping me in Safeway to tell me I look good: Just 1, but he was cute and his friend wasn't exactly disagreeing.

Asses slapped: I lost count at 6. John, where's my $10?

Times Dave's version of Drunk Lecherous Dude at Party made me laugh: Haven't stopped yet.

New black boots (!) complimented: Every time I turned around, bitches.

Kim + Justin Forever 2: Electric Boogaloo

Yes, I have been criminally behind in my reports from the Portland Wedding Reception Extravaganza in honor of Kim and Justin. It was awesome. We reverted back to 1996 only with less Boone's Farm and more discussions of the housing market. That makes no sense but roll with it, OK?

The weekend started off with me spanking Jen in the airport... and then it just got awesome.

Smooches from the Bride to the Groom

Lynn and Fritz threw an amazing party and it was great to meet Justin's lovely family, too. Thanks for showing us ain't no party like a P-town party!

Girl Chris and Boy Chris flank Fritz, father of the bride. We LOVE Kim's family. I was greeted with, "It's THE Girl Chris!" and a huge hug. Then Fritz asked me to help him take care of some chardonnay. Who am I to refuse such a request? He was thrilled to be photographed with the Chrises.

After the reception we headed over to Kim and Justin's sweet new townhouse. It's awesome and perfect for entertaining. Around this time Boy and Girl decided shots were in order. God bless the Kimmer: she had some tequila on hand. The Sigma Chi shot glasses added an extra touch of class.

Grabbing a drink before dinner at McMenamin's. Kim's adorable friend Jean, Beautiful Bride Kimberly, and Girl Chris. Chug those beers ladies! Our table is ready down the street...

We were carded at dinner, which always warms my heart. Boy felt the need to sass the waitress so she skipped his drink order. Oh, snap! Then we headed out to a new bar, because God forbid we sit still.

Dude, you're stuck with her now. Kim is possibly the cutest drunk ever.

This place offered party bowls, which just leads to trouble. If someone ever suggests a drink called an "Adios Motherfucker" just say "no." Don't think about it: JUST SAY "NO" and then switch to water. Don't agree to a race to see who can drink which bowl the fastest, and if people call you a "pussy" just take it. Don't be a hero. Nothing the color of Windex should be consumed by humans. But it is tasty.

The drink in question in front of Katie and Boy Chris.

Jen amused and semi-horrified by the drunken antics taking place around her. Jen has a Magellan-like sense of direction and got us all over Portland with no issues. She was also a huge hit with the homeless teens who called out, "Hey Woman, what's your name?" Her husband is a great guy and all, but always nice to know you have options.

What, you DIDN'T want a picture I took of myself down the front of my dress? Sorry. See kids, THIS is why we say "NO" to the party bowls.

I woke up Sunday hungover and covered in bruises. And I felt like I had whiplash, too, which was weird. I also found a note in my purse that read, "YOU ARE BEEFY" and was in Boy Chris' handwriting. No idea what that meant.

As the token Single Person I entertained/scared my friends with stories of my life and gamely participated in a Q&A session about What Went Down and The World of Dating Now.

Portland is now on the short list of places where I might end up at some point. Great friends, clean, affordable...even my hair looked better when I was there. Portland, you really may be the land of milk and honey!

Viva Las Vegas! Oh, and Mom and Dave, too.

Today is Mom and Dave's 6th wedding anniversary. After 18 years of togetherness and a two week engagement (during which time I circulated pregnancy rumors) we jetted off to Vegas with a handful of friends for the world's most low-key wedding. Why make it official after so long? Tax breaks, people. My parents are nothing if not practical. And they kind of like each other too.

I convinced my mom at the last minute to get some flowers, just because it felt like we were running an errand and we needed to girl it up a bit. Dave's good friends Kurt and Mike showed up as a surprise, which was great fun. I'm glad they made it not only because they are cool guys, but because Mike hooked us up with a poolside cabana at the Four Seasons. Princess Christen could stand to roll like that all the time.

The weekend was not without a bit of drama: someone who shall remain me managed to faint in the airport en route to Vegas...and was denied the ability to board a flight for the rest of the day. After riding in an ambulance with the most attractive paramedic I have ever seen in real life, I was deemed dehydrated, given an IV and released. Still made it to Vegas in time for the wedding and acted as the official witness for the big event. Way to rally!

Here's a tip for all of you: when you call your mom from an emergency room the day before her wedding to tell her you lost consciousness and hit your head, expect a little bit of freaking out.

I'm not sure what the official anniversary gift is for six years so I am gifting my parents with my unconditional love and an Interweb shout-out. Go Team!

Eleven Years Ago Today...

My dad and Judy were married. The whole experience was sort of a blur, but in a happy way. I was so busy with my freshman year of college up in Tacoma that I was pretty removed from the details of the planning. I'm not sure what a 19 year-old college freshman would have had to offer in the way of advice and ideas anyway. Favors? Beer can helmets! Music? Metallica!

Looking back I realize I totally dropped the ball when it came to my bridesmaid duties. I mean, I showed up, I was sober for the photos, and since I was related to every guest there was so scandalous smooching, but I probably could have stepped it up.

My favorite thing about the reception was when Judy came up to me and said, "I just wanted tell you that my girlfriends and I will be on the back deck in about 5 minutes to do tequila shots. I'm 'not inviting you' but I am letting you know. Oh, and bring your own lime." Then she turned and walked away. She's a keeper!

The wedding was lovely and fun and intimate and exactly what the bride and groom wanted. And I couldn't have picked a better wife for my dad, mama for Evan and stepmonster for me. Thanks for agreeing to be part of our crazy family Judy! We love you!

Slowly Crushing My Mother's Dreams

Since I am nowhere remotely near planning a for reals wedding, I find it fun to play the "If I Were Getting Married" game. Why is it more fun now? Because there's no prospective groom to fight with. Much easier when you take that other person's opinions out of the equation. Feel free to play along at home. Already married? Turn it into "If I Had to Do It All Over Again" and have some fun!

My game is more of an exercise in "Oh hell no, I am NOT (fill in the blank here)." For example:

1.) There will be no reaching up my dress to pull something off my leg so that it can be flung into a crowd. In front of my relatives.
2.) Sliding, Electric or otherwise, is prohibited. "The Macarena" can bite me. I'll compromise on the Chicken Dance, but as a rule I am opposed to choreographed dances. Unless we are reenacting a scene from Footloose and then it's fine.
3.) A white dress? Really? No.
4.) There will be no teasing of hair or crazy updo. This is not the Country Music Awards.

And then there's the "Yeah, we are TOTALLY (fill in the blank here)." For example:

1.) REO Speedwagons's "Take it on the Run" will be featured at some point. You won't know when or where but it's coming.
2.) Do a keg stand and take home a "prize" off the gift table.
3.) There will be a karaoke machine so my cousin Nichole can do her "metal scream" and I can prove that among the Ruiz cousins I am the quiet, shy one.
4.) Two words: Dance Off.

Obviously, an open bar with top shelf hooch and the best dance music ever are a given. Come on. You're familiar with my work.

Kim+Justin Forever!

The happy couple!

Today my dear friend Kim "Jabbaartsch" Bartsch is marrying the fantastic Justin Miyake. While I (and other Puge chums) cannot be there to celebrate in person, we are all thinking of our dear girl and pouring out some Boone's Farm for her! Justin, welcome to the family.

In honor of Kim's wedding day I won't share any embarrassing stories about her. Don't say I never did anything for you, Kimmer.

Much love to you and see you in Portland next month!

Ode to Boy Chris aka "What's up Fatty McFatFat!"

Boy and Girl, still rockin' into the wee hours after Chris' wedding.

Are you sick of me talking all about me? Yeah, so am I. So today we're switching it up and putting the spotlight on Boy Chris. It's his 30th birthday, so it feels appropriate. Want me to do a little E! True Hollyword Story about you on your birthday? Great, because I think I'm going to start that.

So, back in the fall of 1996 I set off for school in Tacoma, WA and randomly decided I was going to be known as "Chris" while there. I wasn't going to demand my family and pre-UPS friends change it up, but I was reinventing myself I guess. My new dormmates and I are walking past a group of fellow orientation participants when this loud guy shouts out:

"Hi! Hey, what's your name?"
After figuring out he was addressing me and my group of friends..."Hi, I'm Chris."
"My name is Chris, too. Great name! Come sit down."

And we were off! Within a few moments we had figured out we were both from California, enjoyed the creative genius of Adam Sandler and were incurable smart asses. We were inseparable and became known as "Boy Chris" and "Girl Chris" for the next...well, forever I guess. We still call each other by these nicknames. If we are around my family he will call me "Christen" and I flinch. It's weird.

Chris ate corndogs every day of our freshman year and never gained weight. Part of me wanted to hurt him, but I have to admit I was envious.

Chris is color-blind and didn't believe me when I told him he bought a green area rug for his dorm room. He thought it was gray.

Chris held my hair back the first time I threw up after drinking too much and was so nice about it. (Anyone who has known me for more than 20 seconds knows I cannot handle anything vomit-related, so imagine that scene in Michelle's bathroom.) He acted like it was completely normal, and his slightly-less-drunk version of the story is hilarious.

Chris is a Dodger fan. I am a Giants fan. We try not to discuss this much.

Chris once had a guy who hurt me thrown out of one of his frat parties because I couldn't stand the sight of him. He also made sure the jackass was "blacklisted" to spare me the horror of having to deal with it again.

Chris' bachelor party in Las Vegas. That's all I will say.

Chris has never looked happier or more content with life than on his wedding day to the lovely Katie. They have been together for over 8 years and when he talks about her today he still sounds like someone in those early shmoopy stages of love.

Aren't they cute? Hi Katie! She is a brilliant veterinarian. I love her.

Chris called or emailed me daily when I was going through a rough patch in early June. He immediately offered up the guest room and poolside daiquiris as a place for me to recuperate among friends. The kindness of this offer made me cry all over again. In the wake of feeling so hurt and smacked down by life, he and Katie reminded me that there is so much good in people and I am so lucky to have them in my life.

Happy Birthday, Boy Chris! Try not to party like it's 1996. We were so obnoxious then.

Call Me Bob

One of the best things about listening to "Bob 92.7" - one of those "we play random stuff all day" stations - is eating my banana* while listening to "Renegade" by Styx. Boy Chris once made me a CD with that song on it and I always think of him and "Billy Madison" when I hear it. Today Bob is playing songs from the soundtrack of my life and it's taking me back.

For example:

"Groove is in the Heart" by Dee-Lite: Listened to this song at least twice a day for most of 1991, thanks to Elisabeth, and therefore associate it with teaching her how to fast dance and trying on our new outfits from Contempo Casuals. Also, I danced to this song with my dad at his wedding because that's how we roll. No, seriously, Dude is in a wheelchair and he almost rolled over my foot while we were dancing. I was 19 and probably 5 drinks into the evening at that point, so there may have been some stumbling on my part. It is a miracle my father acknowledges me as his child.

"Midnight Train to Georgia" by Gladys Knight and the Pips: Did anyone else love that show "It's Your Move" starring a post-"Silver Spoons" but pre-"Hogan Family" Jason Bateman?** Just me? OK then. Well, there was a scene in one episode where part of the cast sang this song at karaoke or something and I still crack up when I hear it. Guess you need to see it in order to get it.

"Ragdoll" by Aerosmith: Probably my favorite song ever and the guitar solo makes me want to lick Joe Perry's face. Heroin problem, shmeroin problem. I love him and I don't care who knows. Normally I only get it up for drummers but in this case an exception has been made. And a restraining order against me has probably been issued. Had to turn this one up extra loud today to drown out the sound of Sinatra coming from my officemate's computer. I adore Sinatra, but there are some misty water-colored memories associated with him now and I can't deal until I can reclaim Frank as mine.

*Not a euphemism. Old Lady DeFazio needs more potassium in her diet.
**I loved Jason Bateman when everyone else was into Ricky Schroeder. Even in first grade I liked my men sarcastic and edgy. Well, edgy to a six year-old.