Babies, Black Clothes, Bubba and Blondie

It usually takes me a week or so to get back into the swing of Chico life after a great weekend in the Bay Area. Add quality time with Lili and Juno to the mix and my post-weekend blues increase exponentially.

I was originally going to do this as a Grace in Small Things post, but there's nothing small about the amount of grace my friends and family bring to my life. So, you get some pictures instead.

Cocktail hour at The Club (say this like Thurston Howell for maximum effect). CKD threw on her pashmina since she seemed to pack only black clothing and looked like Morticia Fucking Addams. Seriously, it can't be good when your father, who owns 836 plaid button down shirts, stages a little intervention about the amount of black in your wardrobe.

Juno being hilarious. We should have cut her off after the second drink, but she was all, "DUDE! I can handle it! I'm on vacation...back down."

Holding this kid sets my ovaries to "function mode" or something. She never fusses, loves my dancing (I mean, who DOESN'T, right? But she is clearly advanced.) and even when she spit up on me she leaned over so most of it hit the floor. Where do I get one?

And speaking of the famous DeFazio Dance Moves: Evan rocks out with his toy pager. Don't ask. I think he's expecting a call from 1987 or something.

No, Dad, I DID NOT make the baby sing "All the Single Ladies" and we DID NOT do the dance routine from the video and I most certainly DID NOT swear in front of him. Why do you ask?

A few people have asked about the Blondie concert and all I can say is that the bitch kicks some ASS. I want to be like her when I grow up. And I think the entire gay population of Butte County was at the show; it was nice to meet the six of you. I wasn't great about taking pictures, and the ones I do have are just scary. CKD may have gone a little crazy with the Maybelline Superstay and may have looked a little crazy with her new dark hair, pasty-ass skin and RED lips. Just trust me on this one, OK?

All Baby, All the Time

Lili and I are embarking on a little project together:

http://awesomebabyjuno.blogspot.com/

Unlike past "projects" of ours this is totally legal, our parents can know about it and it's unlikely either one of us will lose our underwear in the process. Woo!

Miss Juno clearly needs her own space and I feel a little weird throwing in updates and baby photos of her here mixed in with my talk of boozin' and sexin' up Tina Fey. So, check out the new blog if you are so inclined. However, as a proud Auntie, I will still post the occasional photo of the wee girl on this site because I adore her to pieces...in case that wasn't obvious.

Surefire Cure for a Case of the Mondays

It's the Monday after a long holiday weekend. We're all feeling a little blue about being back at work. Perhaps even a bit stressed about hectic schedules and deadlines. Here are some pictures of pretty girls to perk you up. Don't say I never do anything nice for you.

Lili and Juno being freaking adorable.

Katie and CKD enjoying sake and cocktails while making friends with sushi chefs.

A Message from Juno

Oh, hi there! I'm Juno Constance. You may recognize me from such posts as "Area Baby Humiliated" and "Stay Classy San Diego." Today I just decided to sit up all on my own. You know, for the hell of it. And because I'm AWESOME. I've been rolling over for ages (like, way earlier than other babies) and practice yoga regularly, so why not switch it up a bit and try this "sitting" thing. Well, I have to get going. Have a great day and enjoy this picture of me being the sweetest kid ever.

Why She's My Best Friend

Me: need a tagline for my blog. any ideas?

Lili: I got it - "you can't accuse me of cockblocking"

Me: I love you.

Lili: or... "your ass looks fat in those pants"

Stay Classy, San Diego: The Photos

Here's some evidence of Juno's supreme beauty and sweet nature, as well as our last-minute Halloween costumes.

Oddly enough, the shot of Daddy in a half-shirt and skirt did not make it over to me...Hmmm....

Sadly, this beautiful girl fell asleep before the official Halloween festivities got going, but we had a fashion show on the bed while she was still perky. Please note her bright eyes, smile and my ass in the background.

Prom Queen CKD, Goddess/MILF Lili and Kitty Kat Katie before hitting the party across the street.

(Alternate captions for this photo: Juno Has Two Mommies and Shnoowich)

Hey, guess who is too old to stay up all night and then look semi-human the next day? Mommy had the good sense to come home and go to sleep. Auntie? Not so much. I hope Juno doesn't associate me with the smell of vodka and exhaustion. Everyone knows my signature scent is whiskey and regret.

Stay Classy, San Diego

You know that comforting feeling of being around family and lifelong friends where all pretenses of politeness and such are abandoned, but in a good way? That's what it's like for me to be around Lili and her family. We have our own relationship shorthand and can communicate in facial expressions, movie quotes and sound effects. It's great.

We were pretty lame about photos, but once they get settled in the new place Lili will send some my way and I will share with you, Interweb. You're welcome.

In the meantime, a quick rundown of my trip:

-Minutes after my arrival before someone who shall remain me uttered the phrase "cock block": Two, maybe three.

-Minutes after my arrival before someone who shall remain Lili said the word "mount," then paused, looked at me and said, "Huh huh, I said 'mount'" before finishing her sentence: Three, maybe four.

-Times I decided to show my appreciation for something by declaring my desire to hump it: Oh Jesus, a bunch. But it was for stuff like a carne asada taco and their kick-ass clawfoot bathtub so it was totally justified. Sure, judge me. But you didn't eat those tacos, nor did you see the tub.

-Times I had to resist the urge to eat Juno's fingers: Lost count at 87,000.

-Weeks until I see these lovely peeps again: Six-ish.

Oh, and if a guy dressed as a cowboy offers you a swig from his flask, maybe get more details on what is in it BEFORE accepting his gracious offer. Luckily it wasn't a roofie colada, but 100 proof vodka? Maybe not the best call of my life.

Area Baby Humiliated

Lili and Juno made it home to San Diego and sent off some pictures from their trip. I miss them terribly and cannot wait to see them again on Thursday.

"You have a baby. In a bar."

Yes, we took the baby to my favorite pub for lunch. But in our defense, we really wanted to day drink. Here's our girl showing a healthy enthusiasm for Guinness. Don't judge us - it's not like we were shotgunning Natty Light. I wasn't sure if we could bring her in - since it is a bar - but they serve food, so I figured it was worth a shot. At the very least, it would be her first time getting kicked out of a bar, right? I pointed at Juno and asked the bartender if she was allowed in. He answered, "The baby? [No, her 30 year-old mother, you idiot.] Sure, as long as she's not drinking." My reply was, "Oh God, no. She's driving." Nothing from him. Not even a smile. Come on, that was a little funny! I was quick with the reply! Man, tough room.

And here begins the Baby Humiliation for Our Amusement photo shoot. You know she's thinking, "Laugh it up now, bitches. I'll be choosing your nursing homes!"

Please note Mommy laughing hysterically as Juno plots her revenge against us. Uh, Kid, your mom went through 30 hours of labor WITH NO DRUGS. She will dress you as she pleases. Deal.

If this entire outfit was available in my size I would wear it. In public. I am 100% serious.

This is a girl after my heart: pink, green and orange in one outfit? That's what I'm talkin' about! Every time I see her in legwarmers I start singing "She's a Maniac" from Flashdance

Oh No, She's Going to Talk About Babies Again

Well, Elisabeth and Juno left after their whirlwind Chico adventure. All I can say is that kid could be used for procreation propaganda or something. Quite possibly the sweetest, smiliest, cutest, chubbiest...sigh...most wonderful baby girl. I adore her and cannot wait to take her to tea and baseball games. Just have to make sure she doesn't grow up a Padres fan. My God. Can you even imagine?

Aside from Juno's sheer awesomeness, I was incredibly impressed by her mom's complete ease with the whole motherhood thing. She's so calm and relaxed and has a great sense of humor about it all. Not that I had any doubts she would be a fabulous mom, but seeing it in action was pretty nuts. I miss both of them terribly already and can't wait to see them at their place next week.

My parents, as predicted, pretty much freaked out over both girls. They are huge Elisabeth fans and clearly are smitten with the wee one. My mom isn't really a baby person but I had to pry Juno out of her hands and she insisted on rocking her in the same chair she used with me back in the day. I seriously need to get on the stick (so to speak) with scoring them a grandkid.

Pictures from our adventure in Chico to come...

Can You Feel the Excitement?

I was having a pretty average Monday morning...spreadsheets, meetings, blah blah. Then I got an email from my number one homegirl in San Diego saying she wants to come up and visit this weekend. Would that be OK? Um, HELL YES!

So this Friday our home will host the lovely Lili and fabulous Miss Juno for one night before they head down to the Bay Area. Now we just have to get Juno a fake ID to get into the bars. Anyone? A little help here?

Chico best get ready for these ladies to hit the scene. See you in a few days!

Since I Can't Buy the World a Coke...

I'll send a round of shout-outs to some pretty fabulous MVP's in my life. Obviously, each of you is fantastic, but we have some standouts.

Boy Chris and Katie (and by extension, the whole Pasadena crew): I am still in awe of their hospitality and general fabulousness. These two are amazing hosts (not to mention great cooks) and should open a bed and breakfast or something. You guys all rock and the pleas to move down have made me feel real special-like.

Elisabeth: As usual, my girl continues to be hilarious and down-to-earth. When I mentioned that I would be happy to go to her usual mommy group events when I visit her, she replied, "No, it'll be good to talk about something other than a baby carrier or if my kid is crawling. I need to talk to someone about normal stuff." Also, she has already told Daddy Nick that he will be watching Miss Juno while Mommy and Auntie get their drink on. Her acupuncture practice is getting off the ground and she and Nick are raising the most smiley, lovely baby girl. (And here I get all excited about my multi-tasking skills when I manage to apply eye shadow while talking on the phone.)

Enrique: aka Mc Phresh Rico...or just Rico. Guess who is home from Iraq? Booya! A dear friend of mine is a Navy reservist and has spent the last year away from his attractive wife and their darling son. Read all about his adventures in country here http://narmya.blogspot.com/ if you haven't checked it out. Well-written and an interesting perspective on the life of a soldier. I am so happy he is home and safe, and greatly admire they way he and his wife continued to work as a team during their time apart. Also, Rico can quote Sixteen Candles backwards and forwards so he's just generally a rad guy.

Mom: How many moms take their kid out for a good hangover lunch? Not many, but mine sure stepped up. As good as the food sounded, my poor system could only handle a Coke and some salad, but I appreciated her offer of ribs and cornbread. Then we went and bought a lamp for her and a cocktail dress for me. Of course. Mom, you're aces.

Swinger

I'm headed out of town early tomorrow and may not update for a few days. In the grand tradition of "I'm leaving town - here's a cute picture of a baby!" I present you with Miss Juno's first time on the swings. She loved it, of course. Look at that happy girl!

I just want to eat her fingers. Is that so wrong?

Juno rocks a stylish wrap post-bath. I love this family so much. Seriously, why is San Diego so far away?

Look Who's All Official and Stuff

Elisabeth sent me the website for her clinic: http://www.acusporthealth.com/

Check her out under the "Practitioners" section. Impressive bio, no? I can attest that in addition to her mad skillz as an acupuncturist and healer, she is an awesome dancer, mixes a mean Kir, and is really great at eyeshadow application. In case that helps at all.

Refer everyone you know in the San Diego area to this brilliant woman. I have used acupuncture to cope with lung infections, chronic headaches, exhaustion and anxiety. I have a pretty serious aversion to needles and yet no issue or discomfort with acupuncture. Check it out.

If you haven't figured it out, I'm incredibly proud of my dear friend and all of her accomplishments. Congratulations, Lils!

Brilliance and Good News Abounds

When I think about my friends and family I get so excited at the number of bright, funny, witty, energetic, supportive people in my life. Sometimes I wonder why they're slumming by hanging out with me, but mostly I'm grateful and go with it. If you'll excuse the bragging, I have some shout-outs to deliver. Let's do this!

1.) Congratulations, Elisabeth Gould, M.S., L.Ac (that's Master of Science, Licensed Acupuncturist) on passing your boards. Now start poking people with needles and prescribing herbs and such.

2.) Long-distance dedication to Roadtripper8, who moved into a swanky new pad and started her job this week. Show 'em how it's done, Lady!

3.) Evan has been accepted into pre-school and will start Friday. One of the teachers thinks he will be bumped up into an older age group since he is a genius*. My dad's comment? "I feel sorry for the other parents. Their kids aren't as cute or as smart as he is." No joke. Evan is going to wipe the floor with these other clowns.

In exciting job-related news, we received approval to move forward with two more solar projects. I helped gather the supporting data and organize it so my boss could sell it to our Board. Yay sustainability! Steve Holt!



*Maybe she didn't use the word "genius" but come on. That kid is all kinds of smarty-smart.

Can a Cowbell Cure This?

Continuing the theme of Talking About Stuff That Bores My Male Readers...Guess who has been gripped by a serious case of baby fever? I really have no idea where this came from or what's going on. I don't want to have my own child at the moment, but if someone walked in here right now and asked me to hold a baby, I would do it no questions asked. And I would smell that kid's head and rock him or her and probably nibble on some baby toes.

What is happening? Is this part of being 30 and childless, like my body is trying to tell me to get crack-a-lackin' on the baby making? Doesn't my body know I am in not in a place to be doing that? I'm thinking about grad school and where I want to live and oh my God...what the hell?

I have always liked children and babies, but usually ones that belong to someone I know. Lately I find myself fighting the urge to stare at random babies in public and walk by them with the hopes of catching some of that baby smell. Have you smelled a baby's head? It rivals cookies baking in the "things that smell amazing" department.

As I'm dealing with this, Lili sends me pictures from their family trip to Tahoe. I feel dizzy...tiny hands and toes and a smiley baby... Juno got to meet her Uncle Russell on this trip. Thanks for taking such great pictures of the Junebug, Pusser!

I love these happy girls.

You're smelling her head, aren't you? Aren't you?!

Auntie Molly came in for a visit! We love Molls - we bonded as bridesmaids in Lili's wedding and she stayed with me when she interviewed at UCSF. If this baby thing ever does pan out for me, she is totally delivering that kid.

I may book a flight to San Diego just so I can eat her toes.

There's No Section for This in My Dream Analysis Book

Last night I had a dream that it was the day of my First Holy Communion...only I was Present Me, not Eight Year-Old Me. And I knew this was weird. In fact, all of us "kids" were adults. Elisabeth was there and I remember looking at her and thinking, "Dude, you're married with a kid. What are we doing?" And then I looked around and the Bush twins were there, just chillin'. Of course.

I'm pretty sure the apocalypse is imminent.

Mostly this freaked me out because I frequently have dreams where Present Me is back in high school or whatever, but I (and the others around me) don't know that. But being all aware and shit? Man, that kinda messed me up.

Happy Birthday Elisabeth! aka "I like cheesy beans!"

(From Left to Right) Elisabeth, Christen, and Mary, 1st grade. (I have no idea what Mary is up to these days, but she was a nice girl.) We wore this exact outfit every day for 8 years. Should explain my aversion to plaid and polyester... and why I don't think the "schoolgirl fantasy" is hot.

Well, look who's 30! My BFF and partner in crime for 24 years: Elisabeth (aka Lili, Biff and several other names that we shall not mention here). I love this girl like a fat kid loves cake and I am so glad that distance and time and all of the craziness of life has brought us closer together over the years.

There are so many memories associated with this fine woman, but on the advice of counsel I will refrain from sharing some of them here. We don't need to add "co-defendants" to the list.

Elisabeth and I met in the first grade at St. Joseph's Elementary School and she knew a lot of the kids in our class from kindergarten, but she was nice and I think she tried to show me how to do flips on the monkey bars. Clumsy Christen stuck with the swings, thanks.

Elisabeth is an excellent driver...and she should be considering she's been driving cars since she was 12. She coerced a very innocent moi into being her co-pilot/look-out while we took the nanny's car for joyrides in Woodside. The two girls wearing the plaid uniforms and driving around in the hoopty on Stockbridge? Yeah, that was us.

Elisabeth is an excellent dancer (and kind of starting to sound like Rain Man here). We honed our booty-shakin' skills in her room, playing the same Janet Jackson and Dee-Lite tapes over and over again. Our Contempo Casuals outfits (with matching scrunchies, natch) gave these white girls from suburbia little extra somethin' I think.

Elisabeth took me on a whirlwind adventure in New York City and introduced me to one of the great loves of my life: Anthropologie. (I would reject her attempts to set me up with one of the great loves of her life: the gin and tonic.) We drank, ate, shopped, and danced our way through Manhattan during the summer of 2000 and it remains one of my favorite vacations.

Elisabeth called me from France on my birthday to make sure the scarf she sent arrived in time. It did, and it's fabulous and I still wear it, bitches. Same goes for the pink clutch she got me a few years later.

Elisabeth encourages me to blatantly - perhaps inappropriately? - hit on her family friends. I'm pretty sure this is for her own amusement, but who doesn't love a good train wreck? Call me boys. Mama's back on the West Coast.

Elisabeth bravely asked me to be her maid of honor when she married Nick two years ago this week (Happy Anniversary, Kids!), knowing this would mean I would get up in public and talk about her. In front of her Nana and Papa. With a glass of alcohol in my hand. She still talks to me regularly so I guess we're cool.

Elisabeth is just flat-out brilliant. Ace Latin in junior high? Sure! Double major from Bryn Mawr? No problem! Acupuncture and Chinese medicine? Yeah, she'll just finish up that program while getting ready to give birth to her firstborn, the beautiful Juno Constance. But the thing is, she doesn't talk about this stuff or mention it or act like it's extraordinary. See why it's hard to hate her?

Sweet Girl, I could go on and on and tell lots of stories. Aside from the adventures in grand theft auto I kept them pretty tame here on the off chance your family stumbles upon this. I hope your day brings much joy and happiness as you have a new member of the family to join the party. The next year is going to be great and I look forward to more adventures, bottles of wine and shopping. My God, the shopping... Bisous!

The Fam!

Juno with Mommy and Daddy. They sure like that kid.

Lucky Auntie got to chat with both of Juno's parents the other night and placed a request (loudly demanded) for new photos of the little Bug. They wisely complied.

It had been awhile since I had talked to Nick, and it was great to catch up. He is such an excellent husband to my best friend and daddy to their sweet baby. You can hear his smile through the phone when he talks about his girls. When Lils and I are in the same room we regress to junior high (but with more cocktails) and communicate in movie quotes, inside jokes and silly faces. Nick never demands we stop or explain why something is funny. He doesn't even seem annoyed. He just offers us more wine and lets us be idiots. Not sure if he's being polite, but I think he's simply a good egg. You know, the kind of guy you want your best friend to marry.

Call Me Bob

One of the best things about listening to "Bob 92.7" - one of those "we play random stuff all day" stations - is eating my banana* while listening to "Renegade" by Styx. Boy Chris once made me a CD with that song on it and I always think of him and "Billy Madison" when I hear it. Today Bob is playing songs from the soundtrack of my life and it's taking me back.

For example:

"Groove is in the Heart" by Dee-Lite: Listened to this song at least twice a day for most of 1991, thanks to Elisabeth, and therefore associate it with teaching her how to fast dance and trying on our new outfits from Contempo Casuals. Also, I danced to this song with my dad at his wedding because that's how we roll. No, seriously, Dude is in a wheelchair and he almost rolled over my foot while we were dancing. I was 19 and probably 5 drinks into the evening at that point, so there may have been some stumbling on my part. It is a miracle my father acknowledges me as his child.

"Midnight Train to Georgia" by Gladys Knight and the Pips: Did anyone else love that show "It's Your Move" starring a post-"Silver Spoons" but pre-"Hogan Family" Jason Bateman?** Just me? OK then. Well, there was a scene in one episode where part of the cast sang this song at karaoke or something and I still crack up when I hear it. Guess you need to see it in order to get it.

"Ragdoll" by Aerosmith: Probably my favorite song ever and the guitar solo makes me want to lick Joe Perry's face. Heroin problem, shmeroin problem. I love him and I don't care who knows. Normally I only get it up for drummers but in this case an exception has been made. And a restraining order against me has probably been issued. Had to turn this one up extra loud today to drown out the sound of Sinatra coming from my officemate's computer. I adore Sinatra, but there are some misty water-colored memories associated with him now and I can't deal until I can reclaim Frank as mine.

*Not a euphemism. Old Lady DeFazio needs more potassium in her diet.
**I loved Jason Bateman when everyone else was into Ricky Schroeder. Even in first grade I liked my men sarcastic and edgy. Well, edgy to a six year-old.

Juno Should Have Her Own Blog

Or at the very least her own Facebook page. The unofficial press secretary for the Gould-Fleetfoot household has some new pictures courtesy of a photo shoot with Mommy.

How cute are these girls? I need to find a way to make Chico closer to San Diego so we can hang out all the time.

Mommy gets silly while Juno thinks, "Really, Mommy? That's the face you're going with? You've been around Auntie Christen too much."


I will fully admit this picture made me well up with tears.

Oh, have I mentioned that Mommy finished up her 4-year graduate school program weeks before giving birth, is studying for her state boards in August, and is opening her practice in September? Congratulations, Sweets!