Happy Birthday Kim! aka "You BLEW It!"

Oh Kim, you didn't think a little thing like a Thanksgiving food coma would make me forget your birthday, did you? No, no, no, Sweets. You cannot escape the humiliation. I hope you go to the Olive Garden and a group of servers serenades you because it is actually your birthday.

Kim and I met as freshman at the Puge, and lived two rooms away from each other. She was really quiet and studious, and it took awhile for us to truly bond (I believe there was mac and cheese involved) and discover that beneath that shy exterior lurked an 80's music-lovin' dancing MACHINE. If you ever have the chance to dance with Kim, do it. She takes her booty shakin' seriously, but will crack you up.

Kim loves Billy Ocean. She was making a mix tape one night (yes, I said TAPE, shut up) and upon learning someone had some Billy Ocean she could use SQUEALED and jumped up like a damn cheerleader. It was awesome.

Kim is easily embarrassed. Pretty much any time we left the house she'd swear that was the last time she would be seen in public with any one of our group of friends. Our favorite way to torture her was to tell the waitstaff at a restaurant that it was her birthday, and have them surround her while singing. She acted all horrified but secretly loved the free dessert.

Kim is one of the most direct people you will ever meet, but in the best way possible. She will tell you if your ass looks fat in those pants, but you'll thank her for it. She gives stright-up advice because she has zero patience for any crap. Which is fantastic.

Kim will sit with you while you hash out every detail of every date, love-life drama, whatever and will ask questions and offer hilarious commentary of her own while throwing in quotes from Adam Sandler movies.

Kim lives too damn far away. OK, Portland isn't so bad, considering the years she was all the way out in Japan, but I would do a cartwheel if she and her husband Justin moved to California.

Kim was our designated driver/handler for much of college and I credit her with keeping our drunken, rowdy little crew safe. And for helping me find various articles of clothing from time to time.

Kimmer, I love you and miss you! This year we've been able to see each other far more than in past years and I hope we can keep that going in 2009.

Kim + Justin Forever 2: Electric Boogaloo

Yes, I have been criminally behind in my reports from the Portland Wedding Reception Extravaganza in honor of Kim and Justin. It was awesome. We reverted back to 1996 only with less Boone's Farm and more discussions of the housing market. That makes no sense but roll with it, OK?

The weekend started off with me spanking Jen in the airport... and then it just got awesome.

Smooches from the Bride to the Groom

Lynn and Fritz threw an amazing party and it was great to meet Justin's lovely family, too. Thanks for showing us ain't no party like a P-town party!

Girl Chris and Boy Chris flank Fritz, father of the bride. We LOVE Kim's family. I was greeted with, "It's THE Girl Chris!" and a huge hug. Then Fritz asked me to help him take care of some chardonnay. Who am I to refuse such a request? He was thrilled to be photographed with the Chrises.

After the reception we headed over to Kim and Justin's sweet new townhouse. It's awesome and perfect for entertaining. Around this time Boy and Girl decided shots were in order. God bless the Kimmer: she had some tequila on hand. The Sigma Chi shot glasses added an extra touch of class.

Grabbing a drink before dinner at McMenamin's. Kim's adorable friend Jean, Beautiful Bride Kimberly, and Girl Chris. Chug those beers ladies! Our table is ready down the street...

We were carded at dinner, which always warms my heart. Boy felt the need to sass the waitress so she skipped his drink order. Oh, snap! Then we headed out to a new bar, because God forbid we sit still.

Dude, you're stuck with her now. Kim is possibly the cutest drunk ever.

This place offered party bowls, which just leads to trouble. If someone ever suggests a drink called an "Adios Motherfucker" just say "no." Don't think about it: JUST SAY "NO" and then switch to water. Don't agree to a race to see who can drink which bowl the fastest, and if people call you a "pussy" just take it. Don't be a hero. Nothing the color of Windex should be consumed by humans. But it is tasty.

The drink in question in front of Katie and Boy Chris.

Jen amused and semi-horrified by the drunken antics taking place around her. Jen has a Magellan-like sense of direction and got us all over Portland with no issues. She was also a huge hit with the homeless teens who called out, "Hey Woman, what's your name?" Her husband is a great guy and all, but always nice to know you have options.

What, you DIDN'T want a picture I took of myself down the front of my dress? Sorry. See kids, THIS is why we say "NO" to the party bowls.

I woke up Sunday hungover and covered in bruises. And I felt like I had whiplash, too, which was weird. I also found a note in my purse that read, "YOU ARE BEEFY" and was in Boy Chris' handwriting. No idea what that meant.

As the token Single Person I entertained/scared my friends with stories of my life and gamely participated in a Q&A session about What Went Down and The World of Dating Now.

Portland is now on the short list of places where I might end up at some point. Great friends, clean, affordable...even my hair looked better when I was there. Portland, you really may be the land of milk and honey!

Kim+Justin Forever!

The happy couple!

Today my dear friend Kim "Jabbaartsch" Bartsch is marrying the fantastic Justin Miyake. While I (and other Puge chums) cannot be there to celebrate in person, we are all thinking of our dear girl and pouring out some Boone's Farm for her! Justin, welcome to the family.

In honor of Kim's wedding day I won't share any embarrassing stories about her. Don't say I never did anything for you, Kimmer.

Much love to you and see you in Portland next month!