South Beach Diet: Not Making Me Homicidal, Surprisingly

Shocker: I hate being told what to do. This is a reason I am no good at "diets" and gained weight on Weight Watchers (30 points a day? Fuck you, I'm gonna eat 31.). Plus, the idea that eating an assload of bacon is OK but a salad is evil just seems idiotic.

This may be why I am not losing my shit over the South Beach Diet.

Without boring you, let me just say that it's not about anything being bad or forbidden forever and ever. I'm basically eating everything I like and would normally have. There are some minor modifications, like no bread with dinner and I'm not having pasta five times a week. Yes, I loves me some pasta and I miss it a little, but a little variety and eating more protein isn't killing me. Oh, and I can still have my morning coffee. I'm supposed to be abstaining from booze for two weeks, but I may have had a glass of wine with dinner. Shut up, I had, like, 2 drinks total from Christmas through New Year's.

Is anyone else cracking up over the fact that I am talking about diets and balanced meals? The girl who has spent much of her life with cookie crumbs on her shirt and Dorito fingers IS TALKING ABOUT GETTING ENOUGH PROTEIN. Take a moment to laugh. I did. And don't worry, I'm not saying YOU should do this, or that this is for everyone, but I knew I needed to make some changes and I'm excited that I already feel (look?) better. Also, I solemnly vow in front of God and the Interweb that I will not be one of those people who talks about her "diet" or refuses to eat out or enjoy a dinner party. I hate those people, don't you?

Diet? What Diet?

Who would like to man the stopwatch for the countdown until my heart attack?

In my rush to get out the door, I forgot to pack something for breakfast. No worries, right? There's a cafeteria with yogurt and fruit and bagels just a short walk away. Yes, the cafeteria has all of those healthy, delicious options. Which is why I went for the Breakfast in a Cup. Already sounds a little disgusting, huh? And also maybe just a little tasty? Sweetie, you have no idea.

My little Artery-Clogger in a Cup consists of potatoes, egg, sausage (you can get bacon, or BOTH if you want to die before lunch) and is topped with shredded cheese. My co-worker Katie, in a flash of brilliance, adds gravy. (Did I mention you can also get biscuits and gravy here?) For kicks, I asked them to add some on top of the potatoes. People, this may have been the best decision I HAVE EVER MADE. I trimmed my own bangs last week - even though I am paying a professional to do my hair tomorrow - so I've been all over the excellent choices as of late.

It's been about 15 minutes since I inhaled my food, and the tummy is starting to ache a bit. I just told one of the Grounds guys about my breakfast. His response? "You got the GRAVY? Man, the stuff in the cup is bad enough. You're not looking so good."

Here's hoping my healthy lunch, lovingly prepared by Dave, will counteract the effects of whatever the hell I just ingested.

Oh, have I mentioned that the last time I had my cholesterol tested it was well over 300? Anything over 200 is "bad" so let that info sink in for a moment. Maybe tomorrow I'll drive blindfolded or cover my bedroom floor with rusty nails and run around barefoot.

Want Some Cheese and Crackers with That Whine?

So, I'm supposed to start the South Beach Diet soon, and Mama is having some issues with the "forbidden" foods in Phase I. No brie, bread, or pasta (among other things) for two weeks. And of course, no booze. People are going to think I'm pregnant if I start turning down drinks. I think I'll say I'm on antibiotics to treat VD and need to abstain. Have a little fun with it.

Once I start this I'll send up some sort of warning flare because you know I'm going to be a bitch (more so than usual) if I can't have some of my favorite things. Seems fair to give the world a heads-up.

Thankfully, coffee is allowed. Can you even imagine? The people at Cal Java would send out a search party if they didn't see me a few times a week.

I really shouldn't complain about this. My cholesterol level is pretty out of control and while I'm not eating mayonnaise out of the jar or anything, I could stand to make some changes. But I think I will start after my trip to Portland. No reason to set myself up for failure.