Classy Broads

While looking at upholstery samples with my mom one afternoon:

Me: "Man, who do you have know to get some help around here?"
Mom: "Did you just say 'Who do you have to blow?'"
Me: "NO! I said 'Who do you have to know?' My God, what is wrong with you?"
Mom (laughing): "Well, I wasn't sure. And I never know with you."
Me: "That's awesome. Thanks."

And SCENE!

The Fam!

Juno with Mommy and Daddy. They sure like that kid.

Lucky Auntie got to chat with both of Juno's parents the other night and placed a request (loudly demanded) for new photos of the little Bug. They wisely complied.

It had been awhile since I had talked to Nick, and it was great to catch up. He is such an excellent husband to my best friend and daddy to their sweet baby. You can hear his smile through the phone when he talks about his girls. When Lils and I are in the same room we regress to junior high (but with more cocktails) and communicate in movie quotes, inside jokes and silly faces. Nick never demands we stop or explain why something is funny. He doesn't even seem annoyed. He just offers us more wine and lets us be idiots. Not sure if he's being polite, but I think he's simply a good egg. You know, the kind of guy you want your best friend to marry.

Slowly Crushing My Mother's Dreams

Since I am nowhere remotely near planning a for reals wedding, I find it fun to play the "If I Were Getting Married" game. Why is it more fun now? Because there's no prospective groom to fight with. Much easier when you take that other person's opinions out of the equation. Feel free to play along at home. Already married? Turn it into "If I Had to Do It All Over Again" and have some fun!

My game is more of an exercise in "Oh hell no, I am NOT (fill in the blank here)." For example:

1.) There will be no reaching up my dress to pull something off my leg so that it can be flung into a crowd. In front of my relatives.
2.) Sliding, Electric or otherwise, is prohibited. "The Macarena" can bite me. I'll compromise on the Chicken Dance, but as a rule I am opposed to choreographed dances. Unless we are reenacting a scene from Footloose and then it's fine.
3.) A white dress? Really? No.
4.) There will be no teasing of hair or crazy updo. This is not the Country Music Awards.

And then there's the "Yeah, we are TOTALLY (fill in the blank here)." For example:

1.) REO Speedwagons's "Take it on the Run" will be featured at some point. You won't know when or where but it's coming.
2.) Do a keg stand and take home a "prize" off the gift table.
3.) There will be a karaoke machine so my cousin Nichole can do her "metal scream" and I can prove that among the Ruiz cousins I am the quiet, shy one.
4.) Two words: Dance Off.

Obviously, an open bar with top shelf hooch and the best dance music ever are a given. Come on. You're familiar with my work.

You Can Keep Your Raindrops on Roses

Fun fact: Oprah and I share a birthday. It's not today or anything, but I joke that I should get to be friends with her and score free stuff since I, too, have a list of My Favorite Things. I am a self-proclaimed Product Whore and my bathroom cabinets are a thing to behold. Think of it as a "greatest hits" version of Sephora, Origins, Kiehls and Target. Mama likes to mix it up.

Wearing a uniform from age six to fourteen meant I didn't really discover fashion until rather late in the game. It took me awhile to figure out what actually looks decent on me and find my own style rather than try to emulate someone else...and then get depressed because it didn't look good on me. Sometimes I want to go back in time and reassure teenage me that everything will be OK. Other times I want to tell teenage me to sack up and get over it.

Because I know you care, here are some of My Favorite Things:

Bumble+bumble Sunday Shampoo: Yes, this stuff will set you back but a bottle will last you forever (especially my fellow short-hair types) and this stuff is phenomenal if you suffer from product build up. Use it once a week or so and your product-addled locks will love you. http://www.bumbleandbumble.com/product/spp.tmpl?CATEGORY_ID=CAT57&PRODUCT_ID=219

Cetaphil Gentle Face Wash: I have been using this stuff since I was 12 and swear by it, especially if you have sensitive skin, which I do. Everything makes me break out into a rash except for this stuff. You can find it at any drugstore and it's gentle enough to be used on eye make-up. Who doesn't love something that does double-duty? http://www.cetaphil.com/Products/cleansers.aspx

Purpose Daily Moisturizer SPF 15: Like the Cetaphil, this stuff has been a constant companion of mine since the early 90's. And I am convinced it is the reason I still get carded at the age of 30. And of course, totally safe for you sensitive skin types. http://www.drugstore.com/qxp16594_333181_sespider/purpose/dual_treatment_moisture_lotion_spf_15.htm

Clinique Almost Lipstick in "Black Honey": Universally flattering shade and I gots to send a shout-out to Elisabeth for turning me on to this stuff. A sheer berry color, it looks great on me, Elisabeth, my mom and my stepmom. None of us have remotely similar coloring. Magic! Perfect for day and you can layer a shimmery gloss over it for evening for a little extra somethin' somethin'. http://www.clinique.com/templates/products/sp_shaded.tmpl?CATEGORY_ID=CATEGORY4903&PRODUCT_ID=PROD536

BCBG Black Dress and Red Pashmina, Circa 1999: I bought this dress and wrap as a big splurge for my friend Michelle's wedding ages ago. It has become a go-to in my wardrobe and a "lucky dress" of sorts.* No, not because of that you perv, but because when I wear it to a wedding the couple lives happily ever after (right Michelle? Rico & Beth? B&G?), and you can dance in it all night. This number has seen me through some weight ups-and-downs and I always feel hot in it. Nine years after its initial purchase I still get compliments. Bonus: the fabric cleans beautifully in case you spill red wine on it...not that I would. And I don't care what some trendy magazine says: pashminas are always "in" and red is classic.

Doc Marten Boots, Circa 1993: These shoes were the bane of my friend Kelly's existence. She tried to convince me not to buy them in the middle of Macy's shoe department about a month before sophomore year started. I ignored her pleas of, "Don't do it! They are SO UGLY!" as she held up pair after pair of Timberlands as examples of acceptable boot options. Sorry, Belles. I still have them. I don't wear them every day anymore but they are fabulous for concerts, especially if I want to retire the preppy/girlie look and unleash my inner badass rocker chick. Maybe I'll wear them tomorrow just to keep the crew around here guessing.
http://www.dmusastore.com/pc-43-10-1460.aspx

Anything I Have Ever Purchased from Anthropologie, Ever: Does any of their stuff go out of style? No. Should I own all of it? YES. Especially this sweet little frock: http://www.anthropologie.com/anthro/catalog/productdetail.jsp?_dyncharset=ISO-8859-1&_dynSessConf=-6502152943517591384&id=830045&parentid=APP_DRESS_EMBROIDERED&pushId=APP_DRESS_EMBROIDERED&popId=APP_DRESSES&sortProperties=%2BmarketingPriority%2C-saleDate&navCount=7&navAction=poppushpush&fromCategoryPage=true&selectedProductSize=&selectedProductSize1=&color=ger

So there you go, Interweb. You want to be like me? Here you go. Go forth and buy stuff!


*I have an unlucky red dress which results in the couple separating and/or ending up in counseling weeks after the honeymoon. It has been retired from the wedding rotation.

What Else Do You Have Going on Thursday Nights?

Have you seen the TV show Burn Notice on USA? No? You really should watch it. Seriously. I won't cut you or anything if you don't but it's well-written, fast-paced and there's some sweet eye candy for everybody.

A few examples:

Oh, hello there, smoldering spy guy. We'll add you to the list with Lee Adama of "Hot Good Guys Who Are a Little Complicated and Messed Up But I Love You Anyway, Baby."

Wait...is that? Why yes! Yes it is the girl who did the tango with Al Pacino in Scent of a Woman. Good catch! Gold star for the day!

Bonus: Bruce Campbell. Yeah, you're excited now, aren't you?

Super-Bonus: Caprica Six (aka Hot Robot) from Battlestar Galactica has a recurring role as a bad spy who helped burn Michael Westen. She doesn't have fake blonde hair and I swear she's even hotter on this show.

To get caught up, start watching episodes on Hulu.com and then we can talk about how great it is. We're early into Season 2 so there's time. Just do it!

*The promotional music is great too. For Season One they used "Connected" by Stereo MCs, which reminds me of my clubbing days in high school. Now they are using "Everybody Wants You" by Billy Squier. Billy Squier! Of "The Stroke" fame!

Happy Birthday Cece! aka "It's Awesome, Baby, It's Awesome!"

Oh Cecilia...when I think of all the times we were doubled over laughing over something ridiculous, I realize how lucky I was to have such great comic relief and compassion rolled into one during the Puge years. I am lucky to have you in my life today, even though you aren't down the hall anymore.

Cece and I met freshman year in Regester Hall, the all-female dorm (which had more males wandering the halls at any given time of the day, but I digress) and shared a house at 4306 (House of Fatty! What up?). During a freshman mixer, I saw Cece dancing and singing along to "Insane in the Membrane" by Cypress Hill and knew this chick was a keeper.

A few reasons why I love her:

Cece is an amazing dancer. The girl can dance for hours in the basement of a frat house and incite men to do crazy things in the name of impressing her. Exhibit A: the Big Dipper. One night at Sigma Chi (Beach Party? I think?) she was up on a platform dancing with some equally skilled dude when the next thing I know her head is down by mine on the main floor. Which means the Big Dipper had positioned one hand against the rafter and was using the other to dip her down into the crowd while they continued to shake it. He pretty much set the bar for dance partners and I think it's safe to say no one else has come close.

Cece's love of pranks and making others laugh endeared her to many, with the exception of her humorless, annoying roommate Andrea. I'm not sure if her oldest child status means she is predisposed to torture others, but Girlie is an instigator and we loved carrying out her crazy schemes. Which I will not detail here upon advice of legal counsel.

Cece's tolerance for alcohol is lower than mine, which is kind of sad but also really cute. Most fetuses can hold their booze better than this girl. Once she turns bright red you know it's time to switch to water. Remember coming to visit me at the deli counter during the Calobo concert? Um, yeah...

Cece and I took a class together called "Social Problems" and spent much of our lecture time swooning over CW and giggling. I literally remember nothing from this class in terms of actual lessons or case studies.

Cece is an excellent mom to two fabulous kids, Memphis and Grayson. You can read all about them here: http://ce11ce.wordpress.com/ or click on the link at the bottom of the page. An expert multi-tasker, Cece works full time, is devoted to her entire family and still finds time to maintain friendships with people all over the planet. Even if we go a month or two between chats, we pick right up where we left off.

Cece, I'm pouring out some jungle juice for you (and Biggie, of course) today and hope the coming year brings more laughter, adventure and love to you!

Hello My Name is "Sex Fruit"

I vow never to bitch about having to spell my name out for people ever again. Thanks Mom and Dad!

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25827708/

Kim+Justin Forever!

The happy couple!

Today my dear friend Kim "Jabbaartsch" Bartsch is marrying the fantastic Justin Miyake. While I (and other Puge chums) cannot be there to celebrate in person, we are all thinking of our dear girl and pouring out some Boone's Farm for her! Justin, welcome to the family.

In honor of Kim's wedding day I won't share any embarrassing stories about her. Don't say I never did anything for you, Kimmer.

Much love to you and see you in Portland next month!

Having a Little Work Done

My original blog layout seemed a little bland so I decided to switch it up a little. What do you think? Any suggestions from you creative types out there? Not fishing for compliments here, just seeking some feedback - go for it in the comments section. But if you feel like telling me I'm pretty and I smell nice, too, I wouldn't punch you in the head or anything.

Don't Say I Didn't Warn You

If you fall asleep while watching The Office reruns on TBS and wake up later to find that Selena starring Jennifer Lopez is on, chances are you will have very weird dreams for the rest of the night. I haven't read any official studies on this, but I'm pretty sure it was the eyebrows that messed with me.

Reality Checks

I went running again this morning, so I think this constitutes a "roll" of some sort. Speaking of rolls, mine needs to be slowed. I tried to jump back in at the point where I was a month ago and this old body needs to ease back into things.

But I did have "Think" by Aretha Franklin stuck in my head so that made it slightly less painful.

Hi there, Overnight Security Guard. Yes, I noticed you checking out my legs. Nice, right? Thanks. But don't think I didn't ALSO notice the baby seat in the back of your car when I parked by you. Just sayin'.

Like Forrest Gump, but with a Higher IQ

Today began in an unusual way for me: I went for a run before work. No one was chasing me. No, seriously. And it was great.

I didn't break any records or push myself especially hard, but I felt incredibly happy and remembered why I loved running when I was a kid: that endorphin high had me giddy and much happier than usual first thing in the morning. Taking better care of myself physically has become a priority over the last few months. After recovering from The Time When I was Coughing Uncontrollably and Throwing Up and Losing Consciousness in Public (aka Fall 2007) I realized the need to take better care of this body. And I need to be able to keep up with Evan because Homeboy can move.

Sadly, my blissful state was interrupted by the harsh reality of work, office politics, and clashing personalities, and I am even more motivated to keep this up and start each day fresh and full of energy. I know I'll need it if the rest of the week is like today.

I'm OK, You Worry Too Much

Sometimes my sarcastic nature and desire to diffuse tough times with humor freaks people out. My recent posts have included references to Miss Havisham, flipping men like houses and general tendencies toward the way of the Crazy Cat Lady. While I have good and bad days since I am a human being, I am doing great. Really.

Really, CKD? If you're doing so great, why the need to post about it? Oh, she doth protest too much? Well, fine, believe I'm on the brink of a nervous breakdown if that makes you feel better. If anything the last six weeks have taught me that I have an amazing support system. People have reached out and offered comfort in the form of drinks, late-night chats, visits and ass-kickings. The last time I checked I have four amazing parents, friends all over the globe sending me good wishes, plenty of food, a job, and a roof over my head. It could be a lot worse.

So, thank you, truly, for the inquiries and words of encouragement. I'm sorry if I needlessly worried anyone about my state of mind. As Evan would say when he falls down, "I'm OK! I brush it off!"

But come on, guys, when have I not been a little dramatic? You know better than that.

Ode to Boy Chris aka "What's up Fatty McFatFat!"

Boy and Girl, still rockin' into the wee hours after Chris' wedding.

Are you sick of me talking all about me? Yeah, so am I. So today we're switching it up and putting the spotlight on Boy Chris. It's his 30th birthday, so it feels appropriate. Want me to do a little E! True Hollyword Story about you on your birthday? Great, because I think I'm going to start that.

So, back in the fall of 1996 I set off for school in Tacoma, WA and randomly decided I was going to be known as "Chris" while there. I wasn't going to demand my family and pre-UPS friends change it up, but I was reinventing myself I guess. My new dormmates and I are walking past a group of fellow orientation participants when this loud guy shouts out:

"Hi! Hey, what's your name?"
After figuring out he was addressing me and my group of friends..."Hi, I'm Chris."
"My name is Chris, too. Great name! Come sit down."

And we were off! Within a few moments we had figured out we were both from California, enjoyed the creative genius of Adam Sandler and were incurable smart asses. We were inseparable and became known as "Boy Chris" and "Girl Chris" for the next...well, forever I guess. We still call each other by these nicknames. If we are around my family he will call me "Christen" and I flinch. It's weird.

Chris ate corndogs every day of our freshman year and never gained weight. Part of me wanted to hurt him, but I have to admit I was envious.

Chris is color-blind and didn't believe me when I told him he bought a green area rug for his dorm room. He thought it was gray.

Chris held my hair back the first time I threw up after drinking too much and was so nice about it. (Anyone who has known me for more than 20 seconds knows I cannot handle anything vomit-related, so imagine that scene in Michelle's bathroom.) He acted like it was completely normal, and his slightly-less-drunk version of the story is hilarious.

Chris is a Dodger fan. I am a Giants fan. We try not to discuss this much.

Chris once had a guy who hurt me thrown out of one of his frat parties because I couldn't stand the sight of him. He also made sure the jackass was "blacklisted" to spare me the horror of having to deal with it again.

Chris' bachelor party in Las Vegas. That's all I will say.

Chris has never looked happier or more content with life than on his wedding day to the lovely Katie. They have been together for over 8 years and when he talks about her today he still sounds like someone in those early shmoopy stages of love.

Aren't they cute? Hi Katie! She is a brilliant veterinarian. I love her.

Chris called or emailed me daily when I was going through a rough patch in early June. He immediately offered up the guest room and poolside daiquiris as a place for me to recuperate among friends. The kindness of this offer made me cry all over again. In the wake of feeling so hurt and smacked down by life, he and Katie reminded me that there is so much good in people and I am so lucky to have them in my life.

Happy Birthday, Boy Chris! Try not to party like it's 1996. We were so obnoxious then.

Oh Yeah...What About That Kid?

Evan and Mama visit Dada during Opening Day!

I realize I haven't posted anything about Evan William (aka Bubba, Stinky Face, Captain Poopy Pants) at all here. I figure I rave and go on about how he is a child-genius enough in real life, I shouldn't bother the Interweb too. But tonight my dad called to chat and gave me a rundown of all things Bubbalicious (yikes, may need to rethink that word - sounds vaguely dirty) and I simply must share them with you!

First off, to anyone new to the scene, Evan is my baby brother. Seriously, he's a baby...well, 2 1/2 so technically a toddler but yes, there is an age difference. Thanks for commenting on that. We hadn't noticed.

Anyway, Evan has a more active social life than I do. Last night he attended an art opening near his home. Last night I fell asleep at 9pm after half a glass of white wine. While at the show, he and his lovely Mama walked past an abstract piece that a few people were contemplating. As they did this, Evan glanced at it and exclaimed "Scissors!" and the adults who were seriously trying to figure this thing out all murmurred in agreement. He also enjoyed pointing out every piece with any nudity, in case someone in the building had missed it.

There was live music at said show and once the band took a break Evan decided he wanted to get up on stage and perform. He got up there, stood next to the microphone as if he meant to sing into it and performed the ABC Song for everyone's enjoyment. Thankfully he has parents who truly appreciate his gregarious nature, but I'm sure this is all a shock for my father who spent the better part of 1981 trying to get me to make eye contact with other people. If someone outside the immediate family so much as looked at me when I was that kid's age I would have been in tears. His complete comfort with himself astounds me daily and I hope he never loses that.

Today the gardeners came to help with some projects in the backyard. Evan was watching happily until they started to move a trellis with some roses against the back fence. He started screaming, "THEY MOVED MY FORT! THEY MOVED MY HIDING PLACE!" Over and over. And he didn't let it go. Like, he would bring it up at random and would express his anger throughout the day. Hmm, I wonder where that quality came from? It's not like every time I get in the car with my dad I bring up the road trip we took in 1989 where he refused to stop until Ukiah and I almost peed my pants before I could make it to the McDonald's bathroom. Oh wait.

Evan is pretty much my favorite person on the planet and while our sibling relationship isn't typical, we are bonded in a very cool way. I was fortunate enough to be in the room when he came into this crazy world and I have loved watching how he adds to its beauty and fun with his sweet nature and inquisitive mind. Hopefully one day he will forgive his insane Sissy for sharing his childhood moments.

What I Do for an Orange Dream Machine

Dear Fellow Jamba Juice Customer,

It's bad enough you're holding up the line, but do you really need to ask the kid behind the counter "Why did you change the menu? When did you make this decision?" as if he is in charge. But did you really need to make my nose feel like it has been raped by douching yourself with Drakkar Noir today? It's not 1987. Just a hint from me to you.

Hugs,
Christen

The Four Horsemen Should Be Here Any Moment

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZckIQAwyozw

I saw this while watching The Soup this morning and almost snorted coffee out of my nose. AC Slater! Ponch! References to Menudo! My head almost exploded.

Totally safe for work, but you would probably be embarrassed to have someone see you watching it. The little pop ups really put this scene into context in case you forgot to TiVo the Oxygen channel classic Husband for Hire. Because otherwise this would just be silly.

This is the Dave I Know

While watching Family Guy tonight:

"So, what was the deal with Knight Rider? Was he a cop or just a guy with a talking car?"

And Then I Turned the Hose on the Neighbor Kids When They Walked on the Lawn

I'm sharing the conference room with an adorable student worker this week. She is 17, sweet as can be and a conscientious worker. She also has no wrinkles, can pull off the most darling little dresses without looking trampy and the world has not bitch-slapped her yet so I kind of hate her. You know how it is.

Anyway, I've been playing music here on my computer, and Teen Beat got the idea to do the same. I try to keep the volume low and respectful of those around me. Just because I think Billy Squier rocks doesn't mean everyone else does. Teen Beat was following a similar code of conduct and I thought, "Hey, maybe this will work!" She was even playing some Sinatra and showed a working knowledge of music outside the Britney canon. It was like a bizarro Battle of the Bands with our dueling music, but there was a mutual respect.

Today, however, the music has been abhorrent (wretched R&B where every song sounds the same awful noise) and she has been singing along. But wait! Then she sucker-punches me with bad country. I can get into Patsy Cline, George Jones, Hank Williams...old school stuff (not the crap being used to sell gigantic pick up trucks) but this shit is outside the paint.

Everyone keeps telling me to ask her to turn it down and maybe keep the sing-along to a minimum but it feels so...Cranky Old Lady. But I've always had a little bit of cranky old lady in me and I guess it's time I embrace it. But then Tiger Beat will go to the mall with Kylie and Marissa and Douchebag and tell them how my old person smell suffocates her and Oh my God, she totally listens to, like, bands called The Go-Go's and tries to dance in her seat.

Or maybe I'll sing along to "Sister Christian" and see how she likes them apples.

UPDATE: Just returned from lunch and while the quality of music has not gone up, the volume has gone down. Whew!

Beavis and Butthead Would Be Proud

Is it bad that when someone uttered the sentence "I have a twelve inch pipe" during a meeting I had to look down at the table and bite my lip to keep from losing my shit? So much for all of my growth and introspection.

I'd Prefer Being Invisible but Whatever

An epiphany hit me and I've been contemplating this pattern in my life for the past few days. If I had to identify a superpower, it would be my ability to date cool guys who aren't great "relationship material," but there's good stuff there so we give it a whirl. Sadly, the good stuff isn't enough, so I end up breaking it off and, in the process, forcing them to face up to their issues. Not because I give a PowerPoint presentation on "Why It's Over" but because when you break up with someone they tend to ask, "Why?" Then these guys go off and become a totally normal man for someone else. Refuse to grow up? Not anymore! Issues with commitment and intimacy? All gone now! Don't want to get married and have kids? Thanks for the Christmas card - Kayla and Ashlee and Taylor are darling and your wife is so cute! You're welcome, Ladies.

Three instances of this have come to my attention lately and, while I don't want to be with any of these men now, it's almost annoying. Obviously it would be more annoying if these gentlemen never learned anything and refused to grow or change, but come on. It's like my romantic life is one of those house flipping shows and I'm stuck gutting the kitchen and dealing with formica and someone else gets to enjoy the granite countertops and stainless steel refrigerator. Maybe I would like granite countertops and stainless steel. Ever think of that?

Maybe the lesson to be learned here is that I need to stick it out with Mr. Fixer-Upper but I don't want to morph into Sitcom Girlfriend, manipulating some guy into being someone else. I have stood by the belief that I'll meet someone who doesn't need "work" and we'll just fit and nothing will feel forced.

Maybe I expect too much of people and have unrealistic expectations and therefore am doomed to be alone, but I doubt it.

Call Me Bob

One of the best things about listening to "Bob 92.7" - one of those "we play random stuff all day" stations - is eating my banana* while listening to "Renegade" by Styx. Boy Chris once made me a CD with that song on it and I always think of him and "Billy Madison" when I hear it. Today Bob is playing songs from the soundtrack of my life and it's taking me back.

For example:

"Groove is in the Heart" by Dee-Lite: Listened to this song at least twice a day for most of 1991, thanks to Elisabeth, and therefore associate it with teaching her how to fast dance and trying on our new outfits from Contempo Casuals. Also, I danced to this song with my dad at his wedding because that's how we roll. No, seriously, Dude is in a wheelchair and he almost rolled over my foot while we were dancing. I was 19 and probably 5 drinks into the evening at that point, so there may have been some stumbling on my part. It is a miracle my father acknowledges me as his child.

"Midnight Train to Georgia" by Gladys Knight and the Pips: Did anyone else love that show "It's Your Move" starring a post-"Silver Spoons" but pre-"Hogan Family" Jason Bateman?** Just me? OK then. Well, there was a scene in one episode where part of the cast sang this song at karaoke or something and I still crack up when I hear it. Guess you need to see it in order to get it.

"Ragdoll" by Aerosmith: Probably my favorite song ever and the guitar solo makes me want to lick Joe Perry's face. Heroin problem, shmeroin problem. I love him and I don't care who knows. Normally I only get it up for drummers but in this case an exception has been made. And a restraining order against me has probably been issued. Had to turn this one up extra loud today to drown out the sound of Sinatra coming from my officemate's computer. I adore Sinatra, but there are some misty water-colored memories associated with him now and I can't deal until I can reclaim Frank as mine.

*Not a euphemism. Old Lady DeFazio needs more potassium in her diet.
**I loved Jason Bateman when everyone else was into Ricky Schroeder. Even in first grade I liked my men sarcastic and edgy. Well, edgy to a six year-old.

New Look, Same Great Taste!

I added a "Links" section to some blogs I enjoy at the bottom of the page. I may add new ones here and there so check it out from time to time. If there is something you would like me to add (your own blog or just something you enjoy), please feel free to send it on over.

Also, you can now click on the envelope icon at the bottom of each post to email it to...I don't know. I really don't know who you would want to send any of this to, but you can. So there.

Like I Was Saying...

http://www.newsweek.com/id/145837?GT1=43002

No joke: last night while in line at the store with my mom, I asked this same question. A woman in front of us turned around and said she thought the same thing. I also started making fun of her kid's name: Maddie Briann? It just screams "Southern unwed teen" as far as I'm concerned.

I took my celebrity mockery a step further by also wondering aloud if Nicole Kidman would ever marry a straight guy. He has highlights! What the hell?

But I'm 30, single, childless, and living with my parents so really, who am I to judge any of these people?

Just Add This to My Resume Under "Special Skills"

My mom is a difficult woman to fluster, but I manage to embarrass her in public on an almost daily basis. Hey, if the song "My Life" by Billy Joel is playing on the speakers at Safeway, I am singing along. And maybe choreographing a little dance if you act like you don't know me. You've been warned.

Today we went to lunch together at the cafeteria here on campus. At the grill they have little order sheets where you mark what you want and you can add your name to the top. So of course I had to put "Sharona" at the top because God forbid I just let it go and behave like an adult. My mother actually walked away from me until they called my order. They didn't even use my pseudonym, just yelled out "grilled and ham and cheese" and I felt like the last five minutes of my life was wasted.

It gets better. Our conversation as we walked out together:

Mom (noticing the lid on my soda was loose): "Your lid is on loose."
Me: "OH YEAH? WELL, YOUR LID IS ON LOOSE!" (hysterical laughter)
Mom: "That was too easy. My God, you are ridiculous."
Me: "I'm alone in the conference room! I don't get to talk to people a lot!"
Mom: "I'll remember that next time I entertain a lunch invitation from you."

Christen Kaaihue DeFazio: Reassuring Mom that One Kid Is Plenty of Work Since 1978

Amassing Street Cred All Over the Place

Twice in the past week I have heard this song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SAKyHhuw1HA by the band Scandal. Fun fact: lead singer Patty Smyth is now married to John McEnroe. Scandal isn't really one of those bands you hear about a lot, not even in an ironic Flock of Seagulls way, but I've always enjoyed their music. One of the benefits of having a young mom who eschewed Raffi and the like was listening to Live 105 on the way to kindergarten, so this was the kind of stuff I could sing at age 5. "Baby Beluga" was for suckers; I knew all the words to "Rebel Yell."

The bouncy tune and hysterically cheesy video mask an excellent break-up song. Hearing it twice in the span of five days and life being what it is at the moment, I took it as a sign that I needed to post it here for everyone's enjoyment. It's stuck in my head right now, and you all get to suffer, too. It may become my new karaoke go-to. It's about time I expand the repertoire from "Sweet Caroline" and "Don't Go Breakin' My Heart " (for duets). Also, I do a mean back-up moan on "Bust a Move" which I just know makes my Grandma proud.

The video made me laugh out loud. It's so low-budget and simple. It's not that different than the one I made at Great America years ago with a friend, lip synching to Paula Abdul's "Straight Up." I'm not sure what is my favorite part: Patty Smyth's dance moves and earnest facial expressions, the keyboardist's hair or everyone's outfits. Ah, I know: it's the eyeshadow. Definitely the eyeshadow.

Juno Should Have Her Own Blog

Or at the very least her own Facebook page. The unofficial press secretary for the Gould-Fleetfoot household has some new pictures courtesy of a photo shoot with Mommy.

How cute are these girls? I need to find a way to make Chico closer to San Diego so we can hang out all the time.

Mommy gets silly while Juno thinks, "Really, Mommy? That's the face you're going with? You've been around Auntie Christen too much."


I will fully admit this picture made me well up with tears.

Oh, have I mentioned that Mommy finished up her 4-year graduate school program weeks before giving birth, is studying for her state boards in August, and is opening her practice in September? Congratulations, Sweets!

I Go to the Fanciest Places

Today I volunteered to accompany my dear friend Piper and her two kids, Robbe and Lauren, to Chuck E. Cheese. And no, I'm not on anything. She was surprised I would be willing to do something like this just for the chance to visit without having to deal with sitters, but it wasn't a big deal. Piper acted like it was Lord of the Flies with pizza, but it wasn't awful. Probably a bit more crowded than usual since the entire county is under orders to stay indoors, but nothing out of control. Lots of blinking lights, games, food, and crying. Kind of like Vegas for kids, but with less hookers.

I arrived first and the hostess girl looked at me like I was nuts when I showed up sans kids saying, "I'm here to meet some friends" like this is a favorite happy hour spot. The moms looked at me like I was a pedophile or worse: out to snag their husbands. Oh yeah, that's it. No quicker way to my heart and into my pants than a bald spot and pleated-front khakis.

That place would turn a ridiculous profit if they had a full bar... or at least offered beer. Something to keep us "Aunties" entertained, you know?

Piper's kids were adorable as always and let us chat and munch on pizza. Robbe is possibly the nicest, most well-behaved boy ever. He has a well-developed sense of justice and kindness towards others. I fear that the world will beat him down or some mean girl will hurt him and I'll have to throw down. Lauren bursts into song in public and does this amazing Tarzan-esque/chest beating thing so I love her. Also, she made me a card and it was pink and orange and she said I can come to her birthday party. It's a pink poodle theme. Admit it: you're dying for an invite.

Wherein I Reference Dickens and Silent Bob

At one point during my interview I was told I would assist some colleagues in planning a conference on sustainability and energy at our campus. Yesterday when I was chatting with one of those people and said, "Oh, by the way, I look forward to helping with our conference here" she looked right back at me and replied, like it was no biggie, "Good, because you'll be the lead for that. You know, plan it." Oh sure. I've been here two minutes, give me a huge project. I certainly don't mind the workload, but I don't want to disappoint.

Looks like I will attend at least one conference in Pasadena and maybe another in San Luis Obispo, which means gathering ideas on everything from the set-up to the program. I want to call ours "Sustainability Wow" as an homage to Kevin Smith*...or maybe "Sustain THIS!" and require all presenters to end their segments with jazz hands. I could go either way.

It's a little intimidating, but mostly I'm excited. I can put all of my wedding planning energy into the conference and dial down the Miss Havisham** act a little bit.



*You just fell in love with me a little bit more, didn't you?
**It's OK, Baby. Don't fight it.

Stop, Drop and Roll

http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/07/09/wildfires/index.html?eref=rss_latest

A little update for y'all on what's happening in our neck of the woods. Our home in Chico is safe, but the air quality is horrid. A rating of 300 is considered "Hazardous" and it's 350 where I work. Sadly, some of my colleagues have had to evacuate their homes. Stressful, scary time for a lot of people.

Fun fact: the volunteer nurse who is quoted in the article above, Jeannine Olson, is a good friend of the family. I helped edit some of her grad school papers. We're tight.

What a Way to Make a Living

You know your day is off to a good start when the first song you hear on the radio is "Mickey" by Toni Basil.

Apparently when I left my job in this department two years ago no one deactivated my email account, which means I literally had over 900 messages waiting for me this morning. Nothing of grave importance, although I did miss a few ice cream socials.

I am working on a few projects and love that much of my day was spent researching energy and sustainability policies at various institutions...and my bosses want me to write one up for our school. So two of my great loves - writing and the Earth - are all over each other and it's blowing my mind.

Mixed feelings about my workspace. I'm at a perfectly functional desk stocked with enough Post-Its and such to keep me happy for a good long time, but it's in the conference room which means no window. And no co-workers milling around, which can be half the fun of working in an office. The bright side? No co-workers milling around, which means I'm streaming KFOG and got to turn "Sweet Emotion" up a little louder than would be OK if I had cubiclemates or something.

During lunch with my mom there were a few Police and Fire Academy cadet sightings. Yes, these guys were born in 1992 or some such ridiculousness, but Mrs. Robinson over here doesn't care. Koo-koo kachoo indeed.

Then on the way home I got to rock out to Joan Jett and then Rick Astley so yeah, it was the best Monday ever.

The Founding Fathers Would Be So Proud

Have a lovely holiday weekend, Interweb.

Because We All Need a Funny Break Up Movie

Forgetting Sarah Marshall is pretty funny. See it, rent it, add it to your Netflix queue...whatever. It's not going to change your life, but it made me laugh. Also helped that I had a pretty strong lemon drop in my system and my good friend Piper beside me giggling away.

My crush on Jason Segel has reached new heights. This is no way diminishes my love for Jamie Bamber (Lee Adama on Battlestar Galactica). Plenty of room in my heart for both of them.