I Guess We Can Call It Progress?

I dedicate this post to my mom and Dave.

When I find myself posting about being giggly and immature, it kind of blows me away that the grown-up CKD is way more fun than her childhood counterpart.

People tend to be surprised that I describe myself as "shy" and am dead serious about that. "But you love parties! And blab all about yourself on the Interweb!" Yes, true. But getting to a point where I can make eye contact with strangers or not flip out when everything isn't just so was a long journey. I spent much of 1981 with my head buried in my mom's neck, and wasn't much better by the time school rolled around. One-on-one I was fine. Talking in class? Uh, no thanks. My mom kindly refers to me as a quiet, serious child. I think the technical term is "high-maintenance and annoying as all shit." Let me look that up and get back to you.

I was intense and OCD about a lot of things. Take laundry, for example. Once I was able to reach the knobs on the washer and dryer, the family laundry became one of my chores around the house. I was meticulous about sorting, of course, but folding was where my crazy really came out.

I wore a uniform to school, which meant my weekly laundry was 5 white blouses, 5 pairs of white knee socks, a few pairs of blue PE shorts, a God awful plaid jumper and of course my undies. Weekend clothes included maybe some Guess acid-wash jeans and a some dork-ass t-shirt my parents bought me from a museum.

So, you'd think I'd just hang up the blouses and jumper, maybe fold the underwear and pair up the socks (or just throw them all in a drawer) and be done in 20 seconds, right? Oh no. No no no no no! Little CKD had a process. And if you interfered in this process she would freak the fuck out BECAUSE SERIOUSLY, THAT LITTLE GIRL WAS NUTS.

First, there was the folding of underwear. I would fold my white little girl version of granny panties first (this was before thongs could be found in the toddler department, so underwear was only slightly smaller than my gym shorts), and then the colors. The undies were always arranged in piles of three. I don't remember the reason behind that, but I do know that if my mom touched it I'd hiss or cry or react in some other totally normal way.

Next up? Socks, of course. White knee socks should be easy, correct? Just throw two together...oh sweet Jesus NO! Have you learned nothing yet? You know how you socks take on a certain shape based on which foot you have worn it? You guessed it: I would pair up the socks based on that to ensure my toes' maximum comfort.

I haven't even begun to describe the ritual Hanging of the Blouses, nor the care and love that went into folding my parents' clothes.

Exhausted yet? Try raising this lunatic. Try reasoning with a nine year-old that the world will not end if her socks don't match, or the grocery store is out of her favorite yogurt. Oh, did I mention I only ate ONE SPECIFIC BRAND AND FLAVOR OF YOGURT (Dannon mixed berry fruit-at-the-bottom, it had a blue lid, in case you were wondering) and if you dared suggest I try another one I'd all but crumple up on the floor and cry?

Man, I hope someone who wants to date me reads this.

Anyway, I guess my extremely long-winded point here is that yes, I am a ridiculous idiot who giggles over a bag of peanuts and loudly exclaims, "HEY! Who wants a NUTSACK?" But would you really want to hang out with Crazy Laundry Freakshow Girl? Yeah, me neither.

Can't Take Me Anywhere

Things that have made me laugh as of late:

-the word "erecting" in a campus-wide email about the new construction

-the phrase "swinging steel" in the same email

-quoting select lines from Pee-Wee's Big Adventure and Office Space at work

-doing Pee-Wee's "Tequila" dance in the elevator

-singing along to "Good Vibrations" by Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch on the way to work

-Last weekend I accompanied my parents to buy a new faucet for the laundry room sink and totally held my shit together when the saleswoman suggested we get a "caulk hole cover" for the replacement. Say that phrase out loud. Now do it without laughing. I did, and then demanded my parents take me to ice cream for a treat. True story.

In other news, my current look could be described as Liz Lemon in Season 2 of 30 Rock. So I've got that going for me.

Area Baby Humiliated

Lili and Juno made it home to San Diego and sent off some pictures from their trip. I miss them terribly and cannot wait to see them again on Thursday.

"You have a baby. In a bar."

Yes, we took the baby to my favorite pub for lunch. But in our defense, we really wanted to day drink. Here's our girl showing a healthy enthusiasm for Guinness. Don't judge us - it's not like we were shotgunning Natty Light. I wasn't sure if we could bring her in - since it is a bar - but they serve food, so I figured it was worth a shot. At the very least, it would be her first time getting kicked out of a bar, right? I pointed at Juno and asked the bartender if she was allowed in. He answered, "The baby? [No, her 30 year-old mother, you idiot.] Sure, as long as she's not drinking." My reply was, "Oh God, no. She's driving." Nothing from him. Not even a smile. Come on, that was a little funny! I was quick with the reply! Man, tough room.

And here begins the Baby Humiliation for Our Amusement photo shoot. You know she's thinking, "Laugh it up now, bitches. I'll be choosing your nursing homes!"

Please note Mommy laughing hysterically as Juno plots her revenge against us. Uh, Kid, your mom went through 30 hours of labor WITH NO DRUGS. She will dress you as she pleases. Deal.

If this entire outfit was available in my size I would wear it. In public. I am 100% serious.

This is a girl after my heart: pink, green and orange in one outfit? That's what I'm talkin' about! Every time I see her in legwarmers I start singing "She's a Maniac" from Flashdance

Gonna Fly Now

So, I've fallen off the running wagon. It's been...God, I don't know, maybe two weeks since I've gone? I'd love to tell you the reason is some sort of injury, or that I am now spending that time mentoring an orphan, but you know me better than that. It's been cold in the mornings and my flannel sheets are too comfy to pass up. Yes, THAT is the reason: I don't like being cold. But I also don't like being fat or out-of-shape so it's time to make a choice.

My plan is to confess, and get back into my routine. I wish it were as easy as a few Hail Marys or something, but I know I will feel better, sleep better and look better when I get back on track.
Maybe if someone could meet me at the end of the run with a boombox - or a live band! yes! - playing the theme from Rocky these morning jaunts would be much more enjoyable. I would be accountable to someone else, and the guilt of standing up someone holding a boombox (or an entire band) would be too much to bear. So, if you could arrange that, Interweb, I'd appreciate it. Thanks!

Oh No, She's Going to Talk About Babies Again

Well, Elisabeth and Juno left after their whirlwind Chico adventure. All I can say is that kid could be used for procreation propaganda or something. Quite possibly the sweetest, smiliest, cutest, chubbiest...sigh...most wonderful baby girl. I adore her and cannot wait to take her to tea and baseball games. Just have to make sure she doesn't grow up a Padres fan. My God. Can you even imagine?

Aside from Juno's sheer awesomeness, I was incredibly impressed by her mom's complete ease with the whole motherhood thing. She's so calm and relaxed and has a great sense of humor about it all. Not that I had any doubts she would be a fabulous mom, but seeing it in action was pretty nuts. I miss both of them terribly already and can't wait to see them at their place next week.

My parents, as predicted, pretty much freaked out over both girls. They are huge Elisabeth fans and clearly are smitten with the wee one. My mom isn't really a baby person but I had to pry Juno out of her hands and she insisted on rocking her in the same chair she used with me back in the day. I seriously need to get on the stick (so to speak) with scoring them a grandkid.

Pictures from our adventure in Chico to come...

Just, You Know...Some Stuff

-Co-sleeper thingy has been procured for Miss Juno's sleeping comfort. Who is the best Auntie? Say it! SAY MY NAME!

-Menu preparations for Eating Fest 2008, Starring CKD and Lili, are underway as well. Just need to find some stretchy pants...

-I love Halloween and this time of year, but could really do without all the scary movies on TV all the time. Really, this delicate flower cannot handle it. Please make it stop. Thanks.

-My recent moods could only be described as "freakshow" if one needed to classify them. PMS+Visitor Anticpation=Weepy, Easily Excited Disaster. Lili is long accustomed to my crazy but poor Juno has no idea what's in store. I mean, babies in general can reduce me to tears so let's throw in some hormonal imbalance and see what happens!

-Who has two thumbs and is having a morning of beauty and pampering tomorrow? *Points to self* THIS girl!

-OH! Is it just me or is Robert Downey Jr getting hotter by the minute? Iron Man indeed.

Really! Seriously!

Sorry about the negative "WTF?" type post below. I don't know where I get off thinking people want my opinion on things. Oh wait - I HAVE A BLOG and therefore think everyone wants to know everything I'm thinking. All the time. Like right now? I wish I had more Red Vines.

Anyway, to offset my negativity I'd like to take a moment to be all fairies and sunshine about the world.

We had a Campus Sustainability Day, which I know sounds like Hippies from Granola Mountain Earth Pals* but was actually a really interesting event here. I was impressed because Grandma CKD is always convinced that these darn kids today don't care about the Earth or the future. They're too busy listening to that 50 Cent character and playing with their hula hoops. Wrong.

The tables included information on everything from reducing waste on campus and at home to degree and certificate programs in environmental and sustainable fields. I spent much of my day fielding questions about our use of solar power, current construction and LEED certification, and what our campus is doing to ensure that the growth is respecting the wildlife refuge. Wait, did you know our campus is a wildlife refuge? Now you do!

I was impressed by how interested and excited the students were about the improvements being made to their campus. And thank God for Brian and Chris, who answered the more technical questions and kept me from looking like an idiot. Green Team!**


*Get that reference? Why aren't we having babies together?
**Get that one? Why aren't we having beers together?

Really? Seriously?

Yes, I'm stealing stuff from Roadtripper again. Back down, I'm still looking for a place for Juno to sleep and contemplating buying a stroller. Someone needs to stop me.

http://jezebel.com/5065573/palin-dudes-proud-to-be-voting-for-the-hot-chick

As someone with many intelligent, educated, well-informed and all-around awesome male friends and relatives (Hi Guys!), I am offended. The men interviewed here are a pretty sad representation of their gender. It's like a bad beer commercial where a bunch of shlumpy, horny suburban dads are distracted by the Hot Girl. Because men are that simple and dumb.

This article freaks me out on so many levels, but I'll try to articulate this as well as I can.

1.) "Proud to be voting for the hot chick." Sarah Palin is a pretty woman, I'm not questioning that for one moment. We're all human and crushes will be had on various public figures. (Ultra-nerdy aside: I once volunteered at a PBS pledge drive and developed a massive crush on one of the show's hosts. I mean, he's all into public television! How adorable is that?) But to vote for her based solely on her looks? Wow, way to concern yourself with the issues. I mean, world peace has spontaneously broken out, the economy is fabulous and our education system is the envy of the free world. Oh wait.

2.) "Who can't trust a mother?" The world is full of mothers who aren't wholesome, nurturing, kindly or whatever qualities these men are associating with motherhood. And isn't Hillary Clinton a mother? Or does that not count because she only has one kid, while Sarah Palin has cranked out five (over-population be damned!)? (And if you think one kid is "easy" I invite you to ask my mom how easy her life has been since January 29, 1978.) Rush Limbaugh will tell you I'm just bitter over my empty womb, but I am appalled that a woman who has kids is somehow MORE capable or trustworthy than a childless one. I'm not saying she is any LESS so, to be clear, but I am not seeing the connection.

3.) "Palin is our kind of woman." Really? Then invite her out for a beer, don't put her in charge of the Senate. Personally, I want someone a hell of a lot smarter than I am - and definitely smarter than the men quoted here - running the nation. And you know what guys? I'm pretty sure she's not REALLY all that into NASCAR, nor does she find your beer gut sexy. She wasn't actually winking at you.

I'd love to hear from the men out there. Offended by this? Laughing it off? Do you support Palin's campaign and feel she is qualified? Why or why not?

To Do

We have company coming in soon and I am giddy with anticipation. And to be honest, nervous and spazzy. I consider myself to be a decent hostess, but instead of the usual concerns like "Have favorite wine and snacks on hand" or "Make sure fancy guest towels are clean and ready" I have started freaking out over all of the UNCOVERED ELECTRICAL OUTLETS around the house. What if she starts crawling on Friday, licks her finger and shoves it in a socket? And where will she sleep? A crib? Mm, not something our family just has lying around at the moment. And what if that's not just allergies and my mom has the bubonic plague and will pass it on to an innocent baby? I don't care how well-stocked the fridge is, getting someone's infant sick gets you on the shit list really fast. We're not doing our usual bar tour of downtown, so I need to make sure this place has all the necessary provisions. Trader Joe's, here I come.

So, my list looks more like this:

-Construct some sort of comfortable, safe place for the baby to sleep
-Make sure every surface has been fully sanitized so as not to compromise baby's immune system.
-Maybe we should all wear those asbestos suits so as not to get any germs on her? Yes, buy those suits.
-Threaten all pets with bodily harm if they so much as consider coughing up a hairball near the kid.
-Have wine on hand for Mommy-Auntie happy hour. And cheese. And bread, oh God, don't forget the bread. And olives...
-Seriously, has everyone washed their hands? NO TOUCHING THE BABY UNTIL YOU HAVE WASHED YOUR HANDS!

Don't ask me why I'm being such a freakshow over this. It's not like I am uncomfortable around babies. I have tons of babysitting experience and about 500 cousins. Oh, and there's the matter of helping out with Evan when he was an infant. I know their needs are very basic at this age, and if we need to make a run to Target or Raley's for supplies, we will. Serenity Now!

Can You Feel the Excitement?

I was having a pretty average Monday morning...spreadsheets, meetings, blah blah. Then I got an email from my number one homegirl in San Diego saying she wants to come up and visit this weekend. Would that be OK? Um, HELL YES!

So this Friday our home will host the lovely Lili and fabulous Miss Juno for one night before they head down to the Bay Area. Now we just have to get Juno a fake ID to get into the bars. Anyone? A little help here?

Chico best get ready for these ladies to hit the scene. See you in a few days!

Bears Repeating

OK, Kids...TODAY is the last day to register to vote in California. Registering is pretty easy. It involves knowing things like your name, address, and date of birth. I'm pretty sure you can handle it.

Aside from CHOOSING THE NEXT LEADER OF THIS GREAT NATION there are some important measures on the ballot. Voting is fun: you get a sticker. And if you're really lucky, your polling place will be in a firehouse or something and you can get a peek at some talent while performing your civic duty. Just like the founding fathers intended.

All Philosophical and Stuff

This weekend was pretty mellow until Katie rolled back into town. Pedicures on a Sunday afternoon? Yes! Very relaxing and wholesome and oh no...there's a liquor store next to the nail place.

A mimosa (mixed in the car with screw-top champagne in a Pepsi cup) and pretty toenails later, we are rolling our eyes at the loud, high-maintenance crew that come in after us. "Ooooh! The water is TOO HOT. That red is TOO RED." Oh, shut up before I punch you in the face. Yes, I feel girly and sassy after being pampered but I WILL THROW DOWN, BITCH, IF YOU DON'T WIPE THAT FACE OFF YOUR HEAD.

We needed to offset the estrogen fest with some boozing and sporting...and fried food of course. Pretty much my perfect day until I bit into a fried mozarella stick and almost burnt off half my face when grease squirted out. Then, I totally blew Katie's mind at the End Zone by pointing out that we were watching TWO Tampa Bay teams play simultaneously. And I convinced her to have a kid in a few years. You're welcome, Alan.

Since I Can't Buy the World a Coke...

I'll send a round of shout-outs to some pretty fabulous MVP's in my life. Obviously, each of you is fantastic, but we have some standouts.

Boy Chris and Katie (and by extension, the whole Pasadena crew): I am still in awe of their hospitality and general fabulousness. These two are amazing hosts (not to mention great cooks) and should open a bed and breakfast or something. You guys all rock and the pleas to move down have made me feel real special-like.

Elisabeth: As usual, my girl continues to be hilarious and down-to-earth. When I mentioned that I would be happy to go to her usual mommy group events when I visit her, she replied, "No, it'll be good to talk about something other than a baby carrier or if my kid is crawling. I need to talk to someone about normal stuff." Also, she has already told Daddy Nick that he will be watching Miss Juno while Mommy and Auntie get their drink on. Her acupuncture practice is getting off the ground and she and Nick are raising the most smiley, lovely baby girl. (And here I get all excited about my multi-tasking skills when I manage to apply eye shadow while talking on the phone.)

Enrique: aka Mc Phresh Rico...or just Rico. Guess who is home from Iraq? Booya! A dear friend of mine is a Navy reservist and has spent the last year away from his attractive wife and their darling son. Read all about his adventures in country here http://narmya.blogspot.com/ if you haven't checked it out. Well-written and an interesting perspective on the life of a soldier. I am so happy he is home and safe, and greatly admire they way he and his wife continued to work as a team during their time apart. Also, Rico can quote Sixteen Candles backwards and forwards so he's just generally a rad guy.

Mom: How many moms take their kid out for a good hangover lunch? Not many, but mine sure stepped up. As good as the food sounded, my poor system could only handle a Coke and some salad, but I appreciated her offer of ribs and cornbread. Then we went and bought a lamp for her and a cocktail dress for me. Of course. Mom, you're aces.

Wherein I Try to be All Non-Partisan but Then Kinda Blow It At the End

Did you know Monday, October 20 is the last day to register to vote in California? Well, it is. So, if you have moved, need to change parties, changed your name, whatever...get to it! The sites below allow you to look up your county's local offices, check your registration status, and get information on your polling place. Not so difficult, right?

For more info:
http://www.cadem.org/site/c.jrLZK2PyHmF/b.947937/

And in the interest of being fair and balanced:
http://www.cagop.org/

What's that, Fonzie? You're too cool for one of the major parties? I feel ya. Still, you need to register and the forms allow you to choose how you would like to identify yourself.

Because you've been so nice and patient, here's something fun to get the weekend started:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/10/16/snls-crazy-mccain-rally-l_n_135463.html

Why I May Stop Hanging Out with Twentysomethings

At lunch with Katie:

Katie: *Looks over at baby in a high chair* "I am soooo not ready for babies!"
Me: "Well, that's good you recognize that. Make sure you don't have any now."
Katie: "Your clock is ticking."
Me *Chokes on Coke, starts coughing* "ME?"
Katie: "Yeah, YOU!"
Me: *Flips her off* "Uh, thanks, Grandma!"

If that doesn't turn you off of your enchilada, I don't know what will.

Conte and Pollie Get Married!

Saturday night in Pasadena? Of course I crashed a wedding! Did you expect anything else?

OK, full disclosure: I was invited to crash. I met Conte at Boy Chris' bachelor party and knew he was a kindred spirit (read: total drunk, just like me). I had the pleasure of meeting his gorgeous bride Pollie when Boy and Katie were married, and they were gracious enough to invite me for the booze-and-boogie portion of their wedding. Congratulations! (In case it isn't glaringly obvious, I went for the brown halter dress - thanks for your votes!)

How cute are my friends? So freaking cute!

Haaaave you met Cappa? You really should.

Beautiful Bride Pollie flanked by Cappa and Girl Chris.

Sorry, Ladies, he's taken. I'm convinced Conte and I are related.

Hotties at the party: Kristie, Cappa, and Nikki.

If this man ever asks you to give the bartender a thumbs up - don't! Boy Chris and Katie looking adorable as usual. Thanks for letting me stay with you!

Kendrick and Wong keep the "thumbs up" action going.

My new friend Jen (rocking my extra pashmina) and Cappa keep it classy.

Oh, I've got your Double-Double right here.

What happens when a car full of drunks stops at In-n-Out at 1am? Milkshake down! Thank God Cappa captured this on film INSTEAD OF HELPING US WIPE IT UP.

Marian

Apparently I am only capable of living my life at extremes. Last week was the pretend-I'm-21-and-have-extra-livers-on-hand lifestyle. Don't get me wrong: zero regrets and from what I recall I had a blast.

This week? I am curling up with a book I had to special reserve from the library. Let me explain: my library did not have this book on hand, so I TOOK THE TIME TO FILL OUT A SPECIAL FORM TO HAVE IT BROUGHT IN JUST FOR ME. Hello, I am reaching new levels of NERD. And I'm OK with that. I did look for it at my favorite bookstore, but it wasn't in stock. Plus, I'm trying reduce the amount of "stuff" I own. Books are pretty great, but after lugging boxes of them up and down stairs during my moves, I am thinking that the library is my new best friend. If I absolutely LOVE something and cannot live without it, then I'll buy it.

As long as we're talking about what a dork I am, I must admit that I really love libraries. One of my dream jobs* is to be a librarian. If I can manage to keep my voice at a quiet volume, I think I'd be really good at it. I could wear my glasses and rock the sexy librarian look: pencil skirts and knee-high boots or sling back heels, maybe some red lipstick. Plus, you know, literacy is cool and all that.

*Another dream job? Solid Gold Dancer. See? Extremes.

My Other New Online Addiction (Still Not Porn)

I found this site thanks to "Que Sera Sera" and am fully addicted. It's anonymous notes to old loves. Basically, reading someone's diary but with his or her permission and no one gets embarrassed.

http://dearoldlove.tumblr.com/

Hopefully there's no limit to the amount of letters one person can submit.

PC LOAD LETTER

I am so not feeling the whole office thing today. At least I'm not at a point where I'm going to beat the bloody hell out of a printer, so I've got that going for me. It looks like November vacation plans may be thwarted (OK, really, just need to reschedule, but STILL) so I can attend a local conference. Not happy about that one, to say the least.

So, I'm trying to be all Pollyanna about things, like instead of bitching about the fact that the temperature in here is comparable to that of a DAMN MEAT LOCKER I am choosing to be amused that I can rock my super-cute sweater inside. Not that anyone around here notices what I am wearing or appreciates the effort. I could show up in chaps and a clown nose and no one would bat an eye. Hmm, tomorrow may be the day to test that theory.

Should I Stay or Should I Go Now?

I'm home after 5 glorious days in Pasadena. I feel oddly homesick for a place where I don't actually live. It's more than post-vacation blues. Sometimes being around the ones we miss makes us miss them even more once we have to leave.

There have been jokes made about staying or moving down there and after thinking about it, it doesn't seem like such a crazy plan. I've been doing a little mental pro/con list (big shocker since I am a compulsive list maker) and here's what we have so far:

Pro:
-Only an hour flight from both sets of parents
-Great friends
-Lovely weather
-Viable job market
-Extended family in the area
-Did I mention the friends? They are pretty rad.

Con:
-Advanced planning required for visits to the fam
-Wouldn't see Evan as much
-Have amazing friends in Chico and SF
-Am I really a So Cal type of gal?

There's no rush to make this decision, and obviously other factors will come into play (ie finding a job and place to live) once I'm ready to make the leap. Mostly I think I'm excited that I have these options and there's nothing holding me back. Ah, possibilities...

At the Bar

Choice quotes from last night. We took it pretty easy, and so I can actually remember conversations. How fortunate for you, Interweb! Enjoy.

Conte: "Dude, you're a firecrotch!"
Pollie: "Not everyone likes the word 'crotch' you know."
Conte: "Sorry, FireBUSH."

Kendrick: "Girl Chris is not just stabbin' crazy but stab-and-TWIST crazy!"

Kendrick: "So, you've been partying it up here."
Me: "Yeah, I tackled Wong when he walked in the door."
Wong: "I cut my lip. You got your shoulder under my chin and I could taste blood."
Kendrick: "That's how you know Girl Chris is in town. You're bleeding from the mouth."

Conte, after running up to everyone in our group and hitting them on the ass with his shoe: "O'DOYLE RULES! O'DOYLE RULES!"

Oh, Yeah, This IS a Business Trip

The original reason for flying down to Pasadena was to attend a conference put on by Green Technology magazine. The focus is green building and the community college system, which is pretty much what my job is all about. It was an amazing, overwhelming, exciting, educational event and I feel re-energized about my gig. Also, my boss won an award so I feel superior to a lot of other people. Shocker.

Last night I got a peek at some photos from Boy Chris' bachelor party that I completely forgot about. Looks like someone was rolling blank tape in Vegas. Excellent. Anyway, nothing terribly scandalous, but nothing I want my grandma to see.

Today is Day 3: Operation Destroy My Liver. Apparently we're headed to old town to watch the Dodgers (I am so mad I forgot my Giants hat!) and visit with more friends. Tomorrow's agenda includes sleeping in, time by the pool and possibly beer. OK, DEFINITELY beer. Let's do this!

I May Never Leave

Have I mentioned how freakishly awesome Boy Chris and Katie are? Allow me to do that once again. I've been having a crappy week and Boy was there with encouragement and support and BEER. Lots and lots of beer (see yesterday's post for proof of that) and jokes and fist bumps. I may move in here and let them adopt me. Kendrick and I watched the debate while they grilled our dinner. Wong came over, which meant I tackled him at the front door and we headed out to the bars. Again. Boy Chris and I regaled him with tales of our youth (ie, "Dude, this one time, I was drunk, and there were some firecrackers...") and I'm fairly certain Wong is going to provoke me to fight just so he can see me take a swing at someone.

This morning I awoke to Katie's greeting of, "Good morning, Sunshine!" and FRESH BAKED CROISSANTS, courtesy of Boy. Needless to say, my week is turning around.

I love it here. Send my shoes and forward my mail.

Hey, I'm Hammered

Hi Kids!

Mama's on vacation...and she may never come back. Boy Chris has been AMAZING. I showed up early and his ass was at baggage claim, ready to deal with me and my crazy self. He may mix Jack and Coke Zero, but he is the BEST person you will ever know! Lieutenant Kendrick (aka Lieutenant Kendrick) met up with us for beers and lunch. A sample of our chats:

Boy Chris: 90% of women are CRAZY. 10% are STABBIN' CRAZY.
Girl Chris: And you know I'm in that 10%!
Boy Chris: Fuck yeah! Shivved in the kitchen...
Girl Chris: That would be an awesome band name: SHIVVED IN THE KITCHEN!
Lt Kendrick: *Drops part of his burger* *Almost chokes from LAUGHING and SHEER AWESOMENESS OF MY MIND
Bartender: *Cracks up laughing*

Boy Chris: Cheers to 11 years of THIS
Girl Chris: Try 12, Bitch!
Boy Chris: Damn. You got OLD!

Who loves day drinking? I DO!!!!

Swinger

I'm headed out of town early tomorrow and may not update for a few days. In the grand tradition of "I'm leaving town - here's a cute picture of a baby!" I present you with Miss Juno's first time on the swings. She loved it, of course. Look at that happy girl!

I just want to eat her fingers. Is that so wrong?

Juno rocks a stylish wrap post-bath. I love this family so much. Seriously, why is San Diego so far away?

Look Who's All Official and Stuff

Elisabeth sent me the website for her clinic: http://www.acusporthealth.com/

Check her out under the "Practitioners" section. Impressive bio, no? I can attest that in addition to her mad skillz as an acupuncturist and healer, she is an awesome dancer, mixes a mean Kir, and is really great at eyeshadow application. In case that helps at all.

Refer everyone you know in the San Diego area to this brilliant woman. I have used acupuncture to cope with lung infections, chronic headaches, exhaustion and anxiety. I have a pretty serious aversion to needles and yet no issue or discomfort with acupuncture. Check it out.

If you haven't figured it out, I'm incredibly proud of my dear friend and all of her accomplishments. Congratulations, Lils!

We Need a Hero

Have you met D? I met D on Sunday and he is my new hero. He is basically the male version of my friend Katie, which is probably why they get along so well. The backseat of his huge truck (which makes my truck feel really wimpy) is filled with implants and hip replacement parts, which is kind of awesome. He is possibly the whitest guy ever and knows all the words to TI's "Whatever You Like" which makes for a fun drive downtown.

D started talking about some of his lady friends and this strapping young 26 year-old dropped that one of them is 40. I must have shot Katie a surprised look because she said, "This one's all about the Cougars."

On his (actually 42 year-old) lady:
"I love going over to her house. It's like being at your parents' house: it's really nice and smells good. I'm like her kid. I go through her pantry and shit."

That had me horrified for about a second, and then I couldn't stop laughing. I mean, it's pretty funny and I'm fairly certain that this grown woman who owns her (nice-smelling) home isn't really in this for the sparkling conversation. Good for her. She gets a hot young piece, he gets to raid her pantry. Seems like a win-win to me. Come to think of it, maybe this Cougar is my new hero.

The other great part about hanging out with D is watching him deal with running into a woman he hooked up with - several times - and failed to call. I'm not thrilled he did that, but considering this woman falls for his, "Sure, I'll call you" line repeatedly I have little sympathy for her. Plus, it's great entertainment to see a guy get thrown under the bus and nearly die from the sheer AWKWARDNESS that hangs in the air after she says, "Maybe you keep running into me as some sort of karmic fate. Maybe this is a sign that YOU SHOULD CALL ME." The other great part of this exchange? She's saying all of this as she's handing her kid quarters to play PacMan.

D and I need to hang out more.

For Your Consideration

Another entry sent via email. Bad Wolf sent this one to me while recovering from the flu. Talk about dedication to the cause! We haven't met in person yet, but know each other through Roadtripper (they share "My Karma Ran Over Your Dogma") and I hope we can meet face-to-face for some hard cider one day soon.

Enjoy...

I have always been told that when it comes to dating I am too picky. That I look for things that are wrong and then use that one little thing as proof that the "relationship" is doomed. So when an old friend of a friend, S, turned up again online and seemed like a good catch I thought what the hell. And I ignored that little inner voice. S seemed like the perfect guy for me: good looking, good fashion sense, same great taste in music...

We went on a few dates, maybe three, and I really tried but there was nothing there. No chemistry, nada. S mentions the fact that he wants to come down to visit. Okay, I think this will be the test, I will give it one more shot. So he comes. Long story shorter, the chemistry still wasn't there, AT ALL. So even though he is visiting me, I decide to break up with him (I'm a real bastard aren't I?). In the middle of the break up he confides in me that he is still a virgin... and that I am the love of his life. Yep you read that right. I thought I was a late bloomer by waiting till I was 20 but damn! Not that this information changed my mind. I have always maintained that I am no teacher. And that goes in the bedroom too.

I did learn one thing though: always listen to that little voice in the back of your head.

So Much for Freedom of Speech

The Obama/Biden sign was stolen off of our front lawn. Dave is headed downtown to get another one, plus another holder so we can also put up my pro-gay marriage sign. I am sickened by the fact that someone in our neighborhood would do this. Everyone's entitled to his or her own political beliefs, and our sign was clearly on OUR property. Do these people think they are going to scare us out of voting as we see fit? Hell no.

I have seen a few McCain/Palin signs around town and they make me smile because they will be on a lawn next to a house with an Obama/Biden sign. How cool is that? We get to voice our opinions and have a different view from our neighbors and that is a right protected by the law. Much as I am not a huge fan of the GOP, I would NEVER condone the destruction of a sign from another party or candidate. What does that accomplish?

UPDATE: Dave told the kind people down at the Democratic Party HQ here in Chico about our sign being stolen and they offered to replace it for free. He insisted on paying for the replacement, plus another one. Apparently this was some sort of orchestrated move by a bunch of Nazis or something because a ton of people have come in to get replacements today. Way to go, good Christian folks. I'm sure Jesus is super proud.

"E" is for "Evan" (and "Exceeding Expectations")

Guess who is already being bumped up to a new preschool class after just two weeks? Yeah. We don't get it either. I mean, I wasn't a slouch academically, but DAMN. This kid is smart. And also kind of a smart ass, which I thoroughly enjoy.

Apparently Little Man was peeved that the letter of the week was "Q" once again. "Q" is SO two weeks ago. Obviously he's ready for something new, people. Oh, and I did I mention he's starting to spell words? Correctly? And he's not even three years-old? Allow me to mention that all now. The teachers have approached Dada and Mama about moving him up to a new class for the academic lessons, but letting him hang out with the kids in his age group for playtime, which seems like a good plan.

Must be a relief to have the teacher come to them with good news. I was worried Evan would start repeating some of the choice phrases I may have let slip around him during the last few visits and land himself in trouble. Who taught the baby "gettin' some tail?" What? Not me, that's for sure.

At the Risk of Alienating a Ton of People

I just finished watching the vice-presidential nominee debate. Aside from snide remarks I have shied away from political issues in this forum, but I have to say something.

I'm concerned that Palin says she and McCain will fight for the families just like hers. What about the families NOT like hers? Do the families with a single parent, or two moms or two dads just have to wait another four years for the chance to be cared about and represented? This is what scares me: another administration capable of ignoring the reality of what America looks like.

And as far as this whole "Aw shucks, Todd and I are just middle class folks" business? Stop it, Sarah Palin. No, you're not. And please learn how to pronounce "Taliban" and stop winking into the camera if you want me to take you seriously. This is a big kid debate, not the interview portion of the Miss Alaska Pageant.

Can someone please clear something up for me? For months I've been hearing about how John McCain brings so much experience and insider knowledge of the system and that Barack Obama is a nice guy, but wholly unqualified to run a country. But all I heard from Palin was how Obama will just keep on truckin' and McCain will bring all kinds of reform - he's a maverick, darn it - to the corrupt government. What?

On another note, I had a nice chat with my youngest cousin on my dad's side. Even though I have nothing to do with how cool he turned out, I am so proud of how informed he is and the fact that he has opinions and is willing to share them. You're a good kid, B.

Miss the debate? Here's the Cliff Notes version, courtesy of Roadtripper: I Am Actually Ashamed To Have Ovaries Right Now It's much funnier and pretty much echoed what I would have written had I been able to live blog. Enjoy.

I Cannot Make This Stuff Up

Here is an entry into the Best Worst Date Ever Contest sent to me via email. My pal Roadtripper submitted this and gave permission to post for your consideration. I can assure you that this is 100% true. Not sure if that makes it funnier or crazier or both, but I think we have a winner. Know your story is better? Submit it.

Without further ado, Roadtripper's verbatim email:

This is the ultimate case of false advertising. J and I had been dating for a few months and everything had been going swimmingly. He was tough-talking Marine sergeant who swilled Jack Daniels, chain-smoked Marlboro Reds and covered his body in tattoos. The ultimate manly man... or so I thought. One night, we were hanging out on my couch and getting ready for bed when he busted out with the line that makes every girl break in to a cold sweat "There is something I have to tell you." Several worst case scenarios raced through my mind. He was married... he had a STD... he was wanted by the law. No, nope, no.

J blurted out his big secret then jumped up to go get something from the other room. I was left sitting on the couch with my mouth hanging open, trying to process the information. Did he just say what I think he said? J returned to the room and threw a large book in my lap. I continued to stare at him, slack jawed with confusion. "Open it" he said. I started to flip through the pages. The pictures inside revealed that I had indeed heard his revelation correctly and that my tough guy Marine was indeed a cross dresser.

Being a cross dresser was one thing. Being a bad cross dresser was quite another. Picture after picture of thigh high boots, tacky school girl costumes and platinum wigs was too much.

I am all about consenting adults doing whatever they want behind closed doors. What people do in their bedrooms is their business. But this was my bedroom now... and this was just too much for me. J and I broke up. I will share a lot of things with my boyfriend but my eyeliner is not one of them.

Fast forward several months. J and I were still friends. I went to his blog to see what the latest was. There was a picture of him, dressed up in full regalia. Hey... that dress looks pretty familiar... holy crap! It was my dress that I had worn as his date to the Marine Corps Ball. I had gotten up the next morning to go to work and left it hanging on his bedroom door. The little bastard had drug his hungover ass out of bed, got all dolled up, donned my dress and staged himself a little photo shoot. And (sad to admit) I think he might have been cuter in it than I was.

Yeah... I still have scars from that one!

My Online Addiction (Not as Titillating as You May Think)

Some people cruise the Internet for porn. Me? I'm looking at places in San Francisco. My friend Miz Literature and I are thinking about shacking up (hell, if she has better health care at her job I may propose) next summer. She has two dogs, so a place with a yard is preferable; I thought this was impossible, but Craigslist is overflowing with places that accept pets.

Check out my latest obsession, which is actually quite close to my old 'hood:

http://sfbay.craigslist.org/sfc/apa/862260110.html

And because I am also obsessed with being able to once again decorate my own place, I'm also into:

http://www.apartmenttherapy.com/sf

Just file this one under "Yep, Still Turning into an Old Lady" and call it good.